Category: Parenting

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Decaeuxarista (Deca-eucharista) 2025

Grow in Gratefulness for Your Family

For years I’ve assigned a thankfulness project to counselees where they write down reasons they are grateful for their present circumstances or for a particular person. It’s something I’ve used in my own life too. The first time I did it with my family was about 15 years ago. It’s become an annual event that I normally finish around Christmas. It started with 10 one-word descriptions and has morphed into a short paragraph for each of 10 reasons I’m thankful for each member of my family. This year I presented it to my kids and their spouses on a Facetime call on December 25.

The Apostle Paul is my example—he was quick to express thankfulness for his ministry colleagues and the churches he wrote. He even noticed reasons to praise the more difficult churches. And since these were letters that were read in church, his praise was public.

Philemon 4, 7 (NASB 2020) I thank my God always, making mention of you in my prayers… For I have had great joy and comfort in your love, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you, brother. [speaking of Philemon]
Philippians 2:25 (NASB 2020) But I thought it necessary to send to you Epaphroditus, my brother and fellow worker and fellow soldier, who is also your messenger and minister to my need… [Epaphroditus carries this letter back to Philippi where his praise is read publicly.]

The title of this blog is a made-up word that I want to mean 10 Thanks or 10 Blessings. It’s just what we have always called it. How does it happen? During the year I notice reasons to be thankful for my family and I write them down—normally with an example of that reason. The list below might fuel some of your own reasons for thankfulness. While God has blessed Laura and I with great relationships with all of our kids and spouses, this might even be a more necessary exercise in a difficult relationship.

Other than my wife’s name, the rest are identified only by a number. That’s why it might sound a little impersonal. It’s not impersonal when I read it to them. This list includes my own children and my children’s spouses. I don’t expect you to read them all; just breeze through it, but I hope it’s an encouragement to you to do something similar. God is sovereignly behind the composition of your family, and it’s good to express gratefulness for them. Start it now and you’ll be ready by Christmas 2026 or even earlier!

Laura

  1. You love your kids well. Your speech about our son at his rehearsal dinner was saturated with love. All the kids know and feel your love.
  2. You are a problem-solver. When life hands us lemons, you figure out a way to make lemonade. I’m thinking of our daughter trying to get out of Spokane on standby last January. You just think of all the angles and come up with a good solution. I love that you are good at solving problems.
  3. You are my biggest cheerleader. You love every sermon I preach and find it very difficult to be objective, and I love that. You encourage me in ministry over and over. You comfort me when I’m discouraged and point me to Christ.
  4. Genesis 2 tells us that Eve was created to be Adam’s helper and you are an incredible helper to me. You look for ways all the time to make ministry easier for me, like driving the car, so I can work. Or doing minor home maintenance, so I have more down time. You often do things just to make my life easier. You make appointments for me, coil up the hoses for the winter, etc. You look for ways to give me more time for ministry and more time to relax at home.
  5. You are the glue that keeps the family together. Yes, it is Christ, but you point us to him. And you’re the one that is most like Christ. You draw us all in.
  6. I loved how you served our daughter for her wedding—especially during the outdoor pictures. It was so hot and humid, and you stayed out there with her until the end. You just serve so well.
  7. You are so thoughtful. You justified a lot of expenses in preparation for the kids coming at Thanksgiving. I love that you made that big closet so comfortable for our single daughter. I love the little extra things like giving all the girls money for shopping and slippers for everyone.
  8. You are so physically affectionate and our entire family benefits, but me most of all. My family hugged, but it wasn’t really our first language. You massage hands and heads, play with hair, and give hugs to your children. You sit close to me, and I like it.
  9. You are a great hostess; very hospitable. You are the sole reason I can meet that qualification in 1 Tim 3:2. For our Deacon-Staff Christmas Party you planned everything—even the games! You had cutely wrapped gifts for all the deacon couples. The house was beautifully decorated. It was very comfortable for everyone. You host baby showers at our house, and everyone feels so comfortable.
  10. You forgive well which shows that you know and love the gospel. I’ve needed forgiveness from you thousands of times and you always give it. You know the definition so you don’t say it without also doing it. You don’t hold sin against me.

#1

  1. You jump in where needed. You organized your brother’s Top Golf event after the rehearsal on the fly even though you were not the Best Man. And he loved it. We all loved it. You knew that could be a special memory for him and you made it happen. It’s a sign of your willingness to take on responsibility, even if it’s not yours.  
  2. You have talents that come out so quickly. You started crocheting and produced a gift-worthy hat in a week! You get an interest and before long you’ve become adequate and then eventually skilled. You started the guitar during Covid and are good enough to play accompaniment at church. You just have surprising talents. You can get skilled in a hobby faster than anyone I know. You started whittling and I could recognize what you were carving very quickly. You sewed a canopy for your beach cover. You got into 3-D printing and made useful stuff. I started guitar and never got any good at it. You’ve moved on after getting skilled in more hobbies than I’ve ever even started.
  3. You work hard behind the scenes. You received a Navy Achievement medal (gold star) because you worked with the Naval Reservists. A thankless job that required lots of work. You don’t care about getting noticed.
  4. You are a people person; you enjoy being with other Christians at church, a park, a home, and a restaurant. You enjoy people and Christ loves people too so you’re in good company.
  5. You pursue Christ well. You know you need to grow and you want to grow. You go to small groups and men’s groups and read books and have devotions. You love Jesus.
  6. You enjoy serving others by being tech research. Maybe it’s just me, I don’t know if others take advantage of this. But I will have a question about a technology, and you will get busy figuring out if it’s a wise purchase, change, or help to me. You think of things that I don’t even know exist. You got me a hub for my MacBook when I didn’t even know that was something to buy. It’s made my work easier at church.
  7. You were sick over Thanksgiving, but didn’t let that stop you from enjoying the time. You were up with all of us even though you didn’t feel well. You made very few compromises (e.g., not hiking).
  8. We played your Nintendo Switch a lot. You knew it would be enjoyable and both the guys (golf) and the girls (Just Dance) enjoyed it. You thought about what would make our family time more enjoyable. I wouldn’t have thought of that, but it was a blast. You want to maximize the fun we have.
  9. You are generous. You value loving others more than not spending money. You’re quick to buy a gift or pick up a bill. You value the right things.
  10. You are creatively thoughtful. Your 3-D printed gifts for each of us were fun for you as you thought of what each of us would appreciate. They were just fun, simple gifts that took into account our varied interests.

#2

  1. You love your family and think the best about them. I noticed this again when you spoke at your brother’s rehearsal dinner. You went long because you had a lot to say. You say nice things because you think nice things.
  2. You are grateful. Mom and I gave our meager contribution to finance your wedding and you were thankful for it. In fact, you were amazed and grateful.
  3. You are an excellent English teacher. Your students love you; you have great rapport. And you also expect them to work hard. Your school is fortunate to have you.
  4. You have always been a great babysitter because you love kids and they love you. You have a knack for getting to them. Some children are standoffish and shy and you just take that as a special challenge. It can be such a tangible way of loving others that are ignored by some.
  5. You value motherhood. That’s not rare in our family, but in the modern world it is. You love the idea of being a mother, and in part, that’s because you had such a wonderful Mom and you want to be like her. But also it’s because you value what God values.
  6. You are a thoughtful gift giver. Your Mom and your Grandma were the same. It’s a selfless, generous quality. The obvious example is when you organized the photo shoot at Thanksgiving. While you were doing that behind the scenes, I expressed interest in the same idea on my own initiative with the same photographer! I had no idea you were making this happen, but you knew I would really like that. AND I DID!
  7. You know your Mom very well. You call her regularly and enjoy shopping with her. You are my go to for gift ideas for Mom. And you have good ideas because you know her interests.
  8. You are so involved in your church. I still love that you essentially moved to FL for the church and found a job to match. That’s opposite of almost all Christians.
  9. You are spontaneous. I called you during my church’s ABF hour and you were willing to be put on speakerphone with the 150 people that were there. You’re up for spontaneity.
  10. You don’t fear being in front of people. (See number 9 ;). You are on the regular rotation for music ministry at your church. You speak publicly at small groups and at your siblings’ weddings. That can be a very vulnerable and selfless trait.

#3

  1. You adore your wife. You look at her with such love, and that is a wonderful trait. No one can doubt that you enjoy her. That’s loving like Christ loved the church.
  2. You apply truth to your life. Our guy’s conversation about the latest chapter in a book often reveals how you’re trying to live it.
  3. You like to be productive. If your job isn’t very demanding at the time, you will get your realtor’s license. You actually did that! You don’t waste a lot of time.
  4. You have become quite the encourager. On our backpacking trip you were regularly telling your sister that she was doing great. And she was, but none of us were going as fast as you and your wife could have gone by yourselves. Yet, you were encouraging.
  5. You get stuff done in a purposeful way. You don’t wander around in your life; you’re always working towards something. You’ve thought through reasons to do what you do.
  6. I think you are the most disciplined in the family. I look at Garmin and you run three miles like clockwork. You apply the same discipline to your spiritual disciplines. It doesn’t matter if you’re on vacation, you are still going to get your Bible out and spend time with God.
  7. You love your wife so well. I said earlier that you adore her and you do. But biblical love is more than just adoration. You are sacrificial and sensitive. You had a hard trial this year, and we saw you at Thanksgiving just loving your wife with such comfort. You gave her what she needed.
  8. You are driven by the right things. It warmed my heart that you had a personal mission statement that became your family one. You like to live with eternity in mind.
  9. You are insistent on serving God at your church. You and your wife were involved in the youth ministry in MN and after moving to Ohio, you quickly got involved with Awana. God is worthy of our service, but many young couples are too busy to serve. I’m glad this is a priority for you.
  10. You love the gospel. All of us were crying as you extemporaneously gave the gospel at your reception. It was sweet and Christ-honoring. I’ve watched that video a couple of times since then because it just encapsulates your heart for the gospel.

#4

  1. You are fine with being in the background. You don’t have to have the spotlight. You are spotlight-worthy (as all my kids are ;), but you don’t need it. I asked you to sing at Christmas and you are willing, but you would be fine letting someone else do it.
  2. You are a servant. You rode back with us to WA after your brother’s wedding and helped us drive. 1500 miles is a long trip! You serve. I loved your story of offering to sing specials at the churches in Peru at 9:30am and Barb said, “How about this morning?” And you did! And every Sunday and Wednesday afterwards you sang.
  3. You’re willing to have uncomfortable conversations. When that young driver hit your car, his Dad wanted to talk to me about your accident, and you were okay with that. But you told him how you wanted it handled. You are not afraid to talk to people. You stayed with the Missionaries in Seattle when you hadn’t met them before.
  4. You have an international heart; I think a missions heart. You do enjoy international travel, but you enjoy having a purpose in it. Helping medical missions in Peru this summer is an example. Your Bibles International internship in Mexico a few years ago is another. Your desire to do something like that every summer shows you love the lost of the world.
  5. You love your family and don’t find it hard to express that in really meaningful words. Your speech at your sister’s reception was outstanding. It was the best one I think. Very thoughtful.
  6. You are careful with finances. You’ve been able to save money because you can say no to yourself. You actually have an impressive amount saved considering your income. You don’t spend more than you have.
  7. You are quick to use your musical talents. You were involved in your church cantata. John H. asked you to sing with him a week before it was due and you quickly agreed. God is pleased with singing for him.
  8. You are thoughtfully creative. We’ve probably all received your thoughtful, artistic cards. You’ve drawn a joke or something that is personal to each of us. That takes time and care.
  9. You are humble. You enjoyed your little closet bedroom at Thanksgiving more than even I thought you would. Your Mom did a lot of work, but it was still a closet. You didn’t mind.
  10. You are not a shopper. I like shopping with you because you enjoy it as much as I do. I just like being with you and you like being with me. You became my ski partner when I couldn’t keep up with your brothers anymore.

#5

  1. You have a self-deprecating sense of humor. You and your husband wore those shark pajamas from your parents and sent the family text chain a picture. It was cute.
  2. You also have a surprising sense of humor. It catches me off guard, and I cannot stifle my laughter. Your “Stepping into a person” at the December wedding made me laugh. I’ve been using it since then.
  3. You are full of life. You enjoy life. Your laugh and smile fill a room with joy. People feed off of your energy. You make things more fun.
  4. You are a fun artist. Yes, you’re skilled, but you also add fun to many of your drawings. A bit of whimsy some might say. I just call it fun.
  5. You are leisurely or something like that. I don’t think anyone enjoyed the actual hiking part of our backpacking trip more than you. You stopped for pictures—getting down and getting pics of individual flowers. You seemed thrilled to just take your time.
  6. I do know this: Nobody enjoyed the rainbow on our backpacking trip more than you. Your joy was contagious.
  7. You are hospitable. You had houseguests for about two weeks, and made them welcome the entire time. I think they were family or something like that, but still, that’s a long time. And you were welcoming.
  8. You are so kind to Laura and me. God has blessed us with fantastic in-laws. You fit into our family so well, and you are so involved. You respond to family texts quickly with emojis and memes.
  9. You’re very crafty. The gifts you sewed you could sell. They looked really good. You are creative and talented.
  10. Your joy in receiving a gift is very satisfying. Not just the Alberta mug, but also watching you open Mom’s gifts was so fun. You make it very enjoyable with your clear joy. That’s an unsung aspect of giving gifts—the joy on the recipient’s face. You make it worthwhile.

#6

  1. You are all in with whatever you do. You took a week to spend with your sisters-in-law and Mom. You could have felt like the odd person out, but you knew you were loved and just jumped in.
  2. You are organized. You make plans like for your husband’s graduation. You think through events. It was very well done. I always knew what was happening next and where.
  3. You love Jesus. I think of that mostly with you which is probably the best thing that could be thought about any of us. You have pursued him through college and after.
  4. Your dancing with your husband at the June wedding was so fun to watch. Neither of you seemed self-conscious at all, not that you should have been. It seemed like pure joy.
  5. You serve so well. At the cabin Laura and I were responsible for breakfasts, but we could hardly do one without you helping us either cook or clean up.
  6. You are thoughtful and you act on it. You bought flowers for a couple whose pet squirrel died, and I know some might laugh, but you recognized their sorrow and loved them.
  7. You work hard at your job. While we were all sleeping in at Thanksgiving, you were getting up even earlier and getting to work.
  8. You work a job you don’t like. I didn’t know that until your husband mentioned it at our “5 Smooth Stones to Kill the Giant of Ingratitude” activity. 😉 It’s not easy to work a job like that. You’ve hung in there when so many workers quit at the first sign a job won’t be enjoyable. I know this job is not forever, but it’s still impressive that your first job after getting a degree is not one you like.
  9. You love Mom and me so well. We know we aren’t your actual Mom and Dad, but you call us that and treat us so warmly. We love it. You are always on the call too when your husband calls us. You don’t leave that to him.
  10. You helped the entire family at the Thanksgiving meal by suggesting the 5 stones activity. That was a very meaningful time together as we expressed genuine thankfulness to God. Mom and I loved hearing everyone’s thoughts.

#7

  1. You listen well. I mentioned it last year, but I keep seeing examples of it. Of course you listen to your wife, but you listen to the rest of us too. When I start a story, you sometimes interject a detail that shows you were listening at another time.
  2. You are a hard worker. Scripture commends the diligent worker (2 Tim 2:4-6). You work your job and then side jobs. You’re not afraid of hard work. I get the idea that vacations are not as fun for you if you don’t have a project—especially if it’s a way to serve others. Helping with the pellet stove is an example.
  3. You are a servant. That is an especially Christ-like virtue. You like to serve others. Laura mentioned all the little projects we’ve done around the house lately, and you said you hoped we saved some for you to do when you got here. And you meant it.
  4. You must be sentimental. No one took as many pictures on our backpacking trip as I did except you. you wanted to remember the beauty and the memories.
  5. You don’t take yourself too seriously, which is to say that you are okay with being razzed. That shows humility.
  6. You don’t place a value on stuff like a lot of young men do. I know that because most men that get married today put off having children for a long time and maybe even permanently. Kids are expensive. But you value them and that’s God honoring.
  7. But you also like quality stuff—especially if it’s American made. And stuff with a story. I’ve heard the story of your boots at least twice (although I forget it). You appreciate quality. You don’t want something that just barely works, but something that will last.
  8. You serve your wife really well. You are a husband that goes the extra mile for her comfort. I saw you repeatedly rubbing her feet on the couch.
  9. You are investing in your spiritual growth. I talked to your mentor/discipler before you married your wife and he described what I thought was true—that you are a young man putting effort into your growth. That pleases God.
  10. You are willing to be uncomfortable to love your wife. You went to the H.S. Formal as chaperones because that’s something Jessica enjoys. I know you danced with her and the kids even though I don’t think that’s your first love. She stretches your comfort zone and you do it.
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Encouraging Metrics of Spiritual Growth

One of the most glorious experiences as a parent is when you see your infant has discovered they have fingers. I saw that with at least one of my children and it’s just a fun, fascinating time. It’s the type of event that I wish I had recorded because it would be something I watch over and over. I recall the story of one parent that became concerned because her child hadn’t discovered his fingers yet, so she tied yarn to his wrists to help him find his hands. She later laughed at herself for this, and I can see why. I’ve never met an 18-year-old that doesn’t know he has fingers. 😉 They all discover that even if it takes some longer than others.

We can get concerned when our children don’t hit the developmental milestones right on time, and in some cases, that’s a cause for concern. But mostly we know that physical growth takes time. It’s not all or nothing. My one-year-old didn’t mow the lawn, and I didn’t expect him to. I just expected him to grow at more or less the normal rate, and I was encouraged with every small step of growth even though he wasn’t very useful around the house for a long time. It’s okay. Growth takes time.

In my ministry I’ve seen Christians that are discouraged at the pace of growth in their lives. They want to be done with their sin once and for all, but they keep struggling. They want to never struggle with sin again, and they look at spiritual growth as all or nothing. So they think If I struggle with this besetting sin at all, I’ve not grown at all. But that’s not really what growth looks like with most sins. Obviously you don’t wean yourself off of adultery, and you can’t excuse any episode of domestic violence. Those are two sins that have to stop completely, and they can. But for most common sins—besetting sins—growth is there, but it’s not complete absence of the sin. Growth is slow and hard—that’s why it’s called progressive sanctification.

Anger or worry are what I’ve used most to illustrate this encouraging metric, but you can think of covetousness, gossip, sinful sarcasm, discontentment, pornography, and many other sins. Let’s use worry.

So you’re a Christian that gives in to the temptation to worry and you know that’s sin. What does growth look like?

  • Less Severe Episodes of Worry

So you still worry, but it doesn’t keep you up all night. Or it doesn’t make you sick. You still worry too much, but your sin isn’t as debilitating as it once was. That’s growth. That’s improvement.

  • Fewer Episodes of Worry

Worry used to be a constant in your life. There were few waking hours when you weren’t worried about something. Now you can see times of peace and trust in God. You can now count episodes of worry where it used to be an unbroken constant. That’s growth.

  • Longer Distance Between Episodes of Worry

As you grow you, begin to see some daylight between the dark clouds of worry that seemed to dominate your life. Now you can have hours and even days between episodes of worry. You’re still worrying, but this is growth.

  • Shorter Episodes of Worry

Not only is your sinful worry less severe but each episode is shorter. You are applying truth more quickly and righting your soul faster. This is growth.

  • Quicker Confession and Repentance of Worry

Previously maybe you didn’t even confess because you didn’t think it was sin. You thought worry was just something that came over you because of your circumstances. Or you imagined that your personality made you worry. Now, you see it as sin, and while you might be more susceptible to that temptation because of outside influences (e.g., past experiences, family, personality), you don’t excuse it. You realize the truth of Mark 7:20-23 that when you are squeezed, what comes out of you comes from you—your heart. You more quickly get to confession and repentance. This is growth.

  • Increasing Occasions When You Don’t Worry at All

You faced five situations this past week where you would normally worry, but you only worried on four of them. That’s victory! That’s growth! You actually had an occasion when you would have normally worried, but you didn’t have any worry in your heart. This is good. And those occasions increase. You have more and more times when you don’t worry now like you would have before.

This is what God’s grace to change looks like.

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit. 2 Cor 3:18 (ESV)

“From one degree of glory to another” means from one degree of growth to another. It’s progressive. It takes time. It does happen slowly and even that slow growth as described above should be encouraging to you.

You can apply this to other besetting sins like anger, covetousness, and with a few adaptations, even viewing pornography.  

Any consumption of porn is sin just like any worry is sin (Phil 4:6). But is the only way to measure growth the complete absence of worry? Or the complete absence of porn? We should never be satisfied until porn is completely eradicated in a counselee’s life, but growth is measured before that. If you have an all-or-nothing perspective on growth, you will be more discouraged than encouraged. Maybe you’re not as defeated as you think you are. Maybe spiritual fruit is actually growing in your life even if it’s not what it should be yet. Notice the fruit and be encouraged. Press on.

We can be dissatisfied with our present growth AND encouraged at the same time. We are always reaching for more, but we simultaneously look back and see evidence of the Spirit’s work too. Any step in the right direction is enabled by the Spirit—and we praise him for it.

For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. Romans 8:13 (ESV)

Growth takes time, but there are evidences of growth long before your growth is complete. Rejoice in God’s gracious, slow, but inevitable work in you. Maybe this is exactly what you need today… or what a friend needs.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Phil 1:6 (ESV)
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The Happiest Place on Earth!

Disneyland in California has had the slogan of “The Happiest Place on Earth” for years. I’ve never visited Disneyland, but we took our kids to Disney World twice. The first time was when three were in elementary school, and one was in junior high. If you’ve been to a theme park before, you know that you don’t have to wait very long for a child within hearing distance to have a meltdown. On this particular visit whenever we would hear a child losing it around us, I would lean over and whisper in my wife’s ear, This is the happiest place on earth. I thought it was pretty funny, but my wife didn’t seem to agree.

I think about the theological implications of that slogan once in a while. Disney is selling the perfect circumstances to young parents. Imagine you could take your children to a place where everything is carefully curated, presented, and always exactly right. Wouldn’t your children have the best time possible? Well, every screaming child proves that slogan wrong.

How could you not be happy here? 😉

Turns out better circumstances don’t make a better me. The Bible tells us this.

The Perfect Environment Didn’t Prevent Sin (Gen 3:6)

So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. Gen 3:6 (ESV)

Adam and Eve had the best circumstances ever—far better than anything that Disney can offer—and sin still intruded. So if Adam and Even sinned in the Garden of Eden, then there must be something fundamentally wrong with us—not our environment—that produces sin. And that’s exactly what Scripture teaches.

Your Desires Are Insatiable (Prov 27:20; 30:15-16)

Sheol and Abaddon are never satisfied, and never satisfied are the eyes of man. Prov 27:20 (ESV) The leech has two daughters: Give and Give. Three things are never satisfied; four never say, “Enough”: Sheol, the barren womb, the land never satisfied with water, and the fire that never says, “Enough.” Prov 30:15–16 (ESV)

Our lusts can never be fed enough even when we’re only a few years old. So Disneyland with it’s helpful employees and amazing rides and fun shows cannot satisfy the heart of a five year old—or a 35 year old! All of us want more even after we’ve been given more. What does a child say after opening the last Christmas present? “Is that all?” or “Is there any more?” That child might be more honest about his insatiable desires, but I have them too. “Give and Give” are in my heart; they’re in your counselees’ hearts as well.

What’s Inside of Us Is More Important than What’s Around Us (Mk 7:20-23)

And he said, “What comes out of a person is what defiles him. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.” Mark 7:20, 23 (ESV)

I really want to believe that if my circumstances were different, I would be different. But it’s just not true. What is going on inside of me is more significant than what is happening around me or to me. No circumstance can guarantee my happiness if my heart is wired for more: more lust, more stuff.

This is a very persuasive lie—that better circumstances would make me better. It shows up in the spouse who imagines that being married to a different person would make him different. It is in the heart of the pastor who dreams that a different church would display his Christlikeness so much easier. It is in the heart of the teenager that believes that she would not respond with anger if she had someone else’s parents. It’s a convincing untruth.

It’s easy to believe this about my own heart, but it’s also easy to believe about my counselees. I will hear terrible stories of tragic sin that make me want to rescue this person. And sometimes I think rescue equals fixing their circumstances.[1]Certainly there are some situations that require immediate intervention: abuse, suicidal ideation, potential criminality, etc. In those cases immediate help is getting the oppressed out of those … Continue reading But most often a person’s greatest need is being rescued from their sin. They need help to please Christ in the middle of their circumstances.

The Happiest Place on Earth? Well it can be anywhere that your heart is satisfied with Christ. Daydreaming about changed circumstances won’t lead to happiness. A changed heart can.

As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness; when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness. Psalm 17:15 (ESV)

References

References
↑1 Certainly there are some situations that require immediate intervention: abuse, suicidal ideation, potential criminality, etc. In those cases immediate help is getting the oppressed out of those circumstances.
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Decaeuxarista [Deca-eucharista] 2023—Ten Thanks?!

A boss of mine in college memorably said, “Never squelch praise.” Since 2009 I have compiled an annual list of 10 reasons I’m thankful for each member of my family. I think it began as a project I might assign to certain counselees to help them grow in gratefulness for people around them that they struggled with. When I started doing it in this format (2009), my children were 8 to 14 years old. They are all adults now, and they still look forward to my sharing it with them. It’s similar to a family practice we do for every family birthday–we each share why we appreciate this person. We lately have added telling a fun story about the birthday person too. These are just some ways to keep from squelching praise.

I call this my Decaeuxarista–I’m not a Greek scholar, but it’s my attempt at making up a word that means Ten Thanks (and my kids know it by this made-up name. They expect it around Christmas). It’s good for me to intentionally think about why I’m grateful for each family member. This is the list I shared with them this year. May this list encourage you to edify your family members too.

Laura [1]I’ve included my wife’s name, but not my kids’ names.

  1. I probably often start with some variation on the theme of you being so kind or easy to like. It’s because it’s the trait that I experience most often. Your kindness often softens the prickly parts of my personality—or should I just say my prickly personality—no parts to it; it’s all prickly. (Thanks for the cactus by the way.) But next to you even I appear at times to be likable. Your kindness rubs off on me.
  2. I’m thankful for how committed you are to our marriage. We celebrated our 30th this year, and you have always been faithful and trustworthy. I’ve never doubted that you loved me. That’s given us security in our relationship. Some of our acquaintances have marriages that have been a struggle or have even dissolved. You have fought for our marriage.
  3. You enjoy it when your kids and I gang up on you in a humorous way to joke about some of the funny things you say and do. Some people cannot be teased, but you actually often enjoy it.
  4. I really appreciate your sense of humor. We were at the Laramie Jubilee Days Parade and you yelled at your nieces as they marched with a banner, “You guys are awesome!” in that funny, overly enthusiastic voice you use sometimes. It makes me laugh. You give me some funny comebacks at times and make me laugh. Sometimes, you know this, you whisper a joke to me and I steal it by making it public.
  5. You love your kids well. From your thoughtful gifts that you gather throughout the year for stocking stuffers, Christmas and birthday gifts, to your kindness in person with them, to your joy every time they call. You also speak biblical truth to them as they need it. You challenge me to love our kids better.
  6. #3 was right when he said on your birthday that you soften me. I have become more gracious and kind through your influence. God’s Spirit has used you to help me grow that way.
  7. You love me well. It’s probably selfish for me to mention this as something I appreciate about you, but it’s true. You know when I’m down, and you make extra time for me. You are quick to rub my hand or just be with me since you know I enjoy time with you. You are thoughtful in how you spend your time when we’re home together. Even if you have stuff to do, you think about how we can be together while you do it. I am a well-loved husband.
  8. I appreciate your spiritual courage. You flew out and spent 10 days with your Dad when your family needed help. You loved him so well even when he was opposing you because of his Alzheimer’s. You were gracious and kind and firm even though he misunderstood.
  9. You challenge yourself to grow. Taking Expository Teaching is an example of this. You could have just audited it, and it would have been so much easier. After all, you’re not working towards a degree anyway. But you wanted to get better at speaking, to understand God’s Word and have confidence when you teach. It was a lot of work. You accepted the Assistant Dean of Women position knowing it would stretch you. You’re not afraid of that. You work for growth in your spiritual life and in your ministry abilities.
  10. I know it was hard for you, but I’ve really appreciated how you have related to your dad this year. Several times we’ve visited him with his Alzheimer’s, and you are patient with him. You repeat who you are and remind him of his interests like cars and his pets. You smile brightly and tell him clearly that you love him. I’ve just sat in awe sometimes at how tender you are with him. I get there and don’t know what to do. You look like you were gifted for this. 
  11. And one extra: You asked for prayer when we were with all the family for Dad’s funeral that you would redeem the time for God’s glory (my words). You wanted not just to fellowship, but to investigate where your nephews and nieces and cousins were with Christ. You made your conversations purposeful because you love Jesus and love people.

#1 Child

  1. You are a social person. We got an extra week with you after New Year’s and you enjoy people. You went to the college retreat with me and two different parties at the Capons that week. And you met new people and got to know them. Being social is a tangible way of loving others, and I think you love others purposely.
  2. I appreciate your steadiness. I used to tell you as a teen that you only had one speed and it wasn’t normally urgent which was a pessimistic way to state what I’m trying to say. You don’t tend to be frantic or panicky. Your steadiness is comforting to people around you. It lowers stress and anxiety for others. That’s nice.
  3. You are generous, or another way of saying it is that money doesn’t seem that important to you. You are quick to give it away and to use it to serve others, and not just your family members. I think your friends and roommates experience this side of you too. Generosity is a great Christlike trait that is evident in your life.
  4. Your sense of humor is MOSTLY a welcome release in a stressful situation. 😉 You are like me in that your response to stress is often humor. I think it’s a benefit to you and to those you’re around. It can help people relax and give them perspective.
  5. I like that you share funny work stories with us. Your fellow pilots and enlisted do some funny things and you love laughing with us, but also about your own funny things. You do some humorous things at work, and you’re willing to share them even when they are embarrassing. That’s humble.
  6. You are responsible in your job. I think Chris R. told us that it only takes a few years to figure out if a Navy officer is just putting in time or if he is actually someone that you can count on. The latter get more and more responsibility. That’s been you. You are giving the US government what they paid for and more. I think that work ethic honors God.
  7. I was reminded today when I was reviewing my devotions from 2012 how graciously you have responded to me throughout your life. You’ve treated me far better that I treated my own father—especially when I was sinfully angry or annoyed with you. You have been gracious and kind in spite of my sin. That’s overcoming evil with good (Rom 12), and you have done that well with me in your teenage years.
  8. You call your Mom regularly even when you are extremely busy like you are on deployment. You have a great relationship with her that I think foretells a little about what kind of husband you will be someday. I love that you love your Mom so much.
  9. You have faced some disappointments in your life and career that have knocked you off balance, but you always ultimately get righted as you contemplate good theology—what you know about God. You are comforted by his sovereignty, his wisdom, and his care for you. I’m grateful that when we talk about these things, you are working hard to trust God. You recognize his plan is sometimes different than yours.
  10. You love Jesus and the gospel. You are committed to your church which is shown by attendance and service. I enjoy our conversations on biblical topics, and you often initiate them because you want to know God’s Word well.

#2 Child

  1. You are a thoughtful person—a lot like your Mom. I received a thoughtful Father’s Day card from you in my luggage. It was long and sweet. That’s normal for you. I think every family member has gotten a “wordy” letter or card from you over the years because you are so thoughtful.
  2. I don’t think I would have asked Trevor Lawrence for his picture. You have grown so much in overcoming your fear of man, and that is one example. You are willing to take risks, and you’re okay if they don’t pan out, which is, I guess, the definition of taking risks. Fear doesn’t keep you on the sidelines.
  3. You embrace your nerdiness, your geekiness. Some are not that confident in it, but you normally don’t seem to mind that you are a bit dorky. And I use all those words with love. I haven’t seen you on the dance floor, but from your description I think there is more confidence than skill. 😉 And confidence is attractive.
  4. You call your Mom and share funny stories, you ask her advice, and you have sweet mother-daughter conversations (I assume since I’m sometimes not invited into them). I appreciate how you open up to her and listen to her. Your mom loves that.
  5. You love to laugh, and I like that especially. And you have a pretty good laugh. Mostly you don’t take yourself too seriously. While you enjoy laughing at the funny antics of your roommates and family members, you are also happy to laugh at your own mistakes. Laughing is a disarming trait; it’s a welcoming characteristic.
  6. You have started running which shows self-discipline. Maybe you’ve let off a little recently but you did it for months and being self-disciplined with physical exercise is hard. It shows a willingness to start something difficult.
  7. You have graciously responded throughout your teen years and young adult years to your Dad when I have been obviously wrong and sinful. That’s a wonderful response to my anger. It pleases God.
  8. You are an inclusive person. What I mean is you include others. You introduce yourself to visitors at your church I think. You love social events and you want others even on the margins to come to them. You look for those that feel outside, and you love them.
  9. You are teachable. You respond to my or your Mom’s rebukes with grace normally. You actually seek out advice on spiritual and practical issues. You call us when you have decisions to make or when you just need advice with a friend or with a car. Both show a heart that is willing to listen. Proverbs says that’s a good trait of a wise person. You are growing in wisdom.
  10. You have a sweet relationship with #4 that is a neat sister bond. I could hear you laughing with each other when you visited at Thanksgiving after Mom and I went to bed. You are different personalities but clearly are really good friends. Not all sisters get along, but you do. You both put effort into it, but I think when you were cool in high school, and let’s face it, #4 wasn’t,;) you loved being with your sister and including her. It’s a sweet relationship that will hopefully last a lifetime.

#3 Child

  1. You don’t know how to do anything halfway. You cannot be partially committed to something. Whatever you do you try to do it with excellence. You’re not a guy that does enough to get by. I admire that.
  2. You have a good sense of humor that loves to push buttons for us. I like that sense of humor since it matches mine. But you are willing to ask forgiveness when you hurt someone with your sense of humor. That’s growing maturity.
  3. I enjoyed watching the process of you buying your Toyota Rav 4. You were careful, sought advice, got a mechanic to look at it, prayed, sought to make a wise decision. I was impressed. It seems a mature way to make financial decisions.  
  4. It was fun to hear the USAFA Women’s Basketball coaches gush over your work as the manager while we were there for Parents’ Weekend. At least three of them, including the head coach, talked about how happy they were that you were doing it. One mentioned your interview process as so impressive to her. If you commit to a job, you do it seriously and thoroughly. That’s a great character trait.
  5. You are disciplined in talking to your family. Mom expects your call every Sunday after church. I know you call your siblings regularly too. You put effort into family relationships and that’s unusual for your age group. It’s a good trait for a future family. I think you thought all your siblings were just as disciplined and were surprised to find out they are more spontaneous than disciplined callers, but it doesn’t stop you from consistently calling.
  6. You like to be active. Actually three of you kids enjoy running, but you’re probably the most passionate about it. You’ve always been a mover; early on maybe it kept you from studying or reading like you should. That’s not the case anymore. You’re not a couch potato. You have a good balance between physical exercise and intellectual growth.
  7. You love your family. Some cadets get to USAFA and don’t care about their families anymore. They are happy to get away. You have always been glad to see your geeky parents whenever we’ve come out for Parents Weekend or other times. You enjoy coming home and seeing your siblings. You’ve visited #1 on your own while at the academy. You’ve even considered graduate school in FL because it is closer to #2 and possibly even #1 if he gets moved there. Loving your family is an unusual trait in your environment, but you don’t care.
  8. You are far more gracious and thankful than I was as a young man. You share several heartfelt and thoughtful things you appreciate about each one of us on our birthdays. That shows a growing thankfulness. Growth in gratefulness shows growth in humility and contentment.
  9. I think you work to share Christ with other students at USAFA. You’ve told us of conversations you’ve had. You are active in Navigators and have talked to some attendees that seem not to understand the gospel. Having Christian friends that can encourage your faith is important to you, and God has provided them for you.
  10. I appreciate how your relationship has grown with your Mom. You really enjoy her. You call her every week. You love having your Mom rub your hair because it feels good, but also because you love your Mom.

#4 Child

  1. You are not a complainer. Mom says that you don’t feel good about 75% of the time, but you don’t complain, and you never have. You just endure it.
  2. You love me and show it whenever you see me. You hold my hand or give me a hug and often tell me that you love me. Normally in a passive aggressive way like, “Do you know that I love you?” I’m kidding on the passive aggressiveness.
  3. You are good relationally, and all ages like you. Jessica S. told us humorously that you’re the “favorite daughter” of John and Shelley—your Minnesota parents. You have your senior saints that you go to lunch with on Sunday. Some your age might not be comfortable going to lunch with their own grandparents, but you enjoy your senior saints. You are earnest in your interest in others because you love others.
  4. You have a heart for ministry. You took a missions trip even though it was six weeks where you couldn’t earn money for school. And even thought it was in the jungle with outdoor bathrooms; I know you adapted well. You love Jesus and serve him. You intentionally build friendships with unbelievers to share Christ.
  5. You work hard to build relationships. You are intentional with time and money to love your family members and your friends. Even when others are not that responsive, you still pursue friendship. You’ve had relationships in high school and college where most of the relational heavy lifting fell on your shoulders, and you willingly did it. If you hadn’t maintained the relationship, it wouldn’t have existed. And you’re slightly introverted 😉 so this is actually a big deal. You work on your friendships.
  6. I tease you and mostly you are okay with it. 😉 You respond with laughter and kindness. You are able to laugh at some funny things about yourself.
  7. You are good with children. Andrew and Jessica S. told us that their kids love you; they have to be careful to keep them from bothering you because their kids like coming down to your room and interrupting you. Their kids were impressed with us because we were “#4’s mom and dad.”
  8. You love your church, and you have relationships with all ages. I especially enjoy that you have friends that are retired. It’s a mark of your love for CLBC. But even your joy in texting us about 17 members joining in October is a sign of your love for that group of believers.
  9. You are loyal to your friends. You defend them, and not just your Christian friends. You even push back against me when I razz you about them. You don’t join others in gossip or slander. You have a backbone to stand up against it.
  10. You are a grateful child. You appreciate the little ways Mom and I try to help with some of your living expenses, and I know this because you tell us. You don’t assume that we will pay for a meal or your phone or car expenses. You don’t fail to say thank you for stuff like this.

References

References
↑1 I’ve included my wife’s name, but not my kids’ names.
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A Simple Mark of Biblical Wisdom

For five summers during and after college I worked at a Christian camp in northern Wisconsin. The staff were mainly other single college kids like me, and we had plenty of energy by the weekend. One time a friend and I came across an old mining cave in a town not far from the camp. The fact that it had a fence around it with a No Trespassing sign just made it more tempting to us. It wasn’t a huge cave; it went in probably 50 feet, but it was a neat find that had an element of danger to it that was attractive to two young men.

My friend, Will, and I came up with a plan for showing some fellow camp counselors the cave on the next weekend and making it even more exciting. We decided we’d bring four or five female staff members there and stage a hold up with some guy staff members playing the role of hoodlums. To say this was not wise is an understatement; however, at the time it seemed like a surefire, exciting experience for us.

The first indication that this wasn’t a good idea was that several of the girls didn’t like the idea of climbing a barb wire fence with a No Trespassing sign on it. We convinced them it was okay and kept going into the cave. A second indication was just inside the entrance there was a huge boulder that wasn’t there the first time we came. It fell out of the ceiling in the intervening time! But we pressed on.

Soon our friends came into the cave behind us with ski masks on and started threatening Will and me. I was further in the cave and coincidentally had my girlfriend on one side and my ex-girlfriend on the other side of me. Both grabbed my closest arm, and they were both crying. My ex was whispering, “Dear Jesus please protect us” over and over and over. My girlfriend was shaking which I mistook at the time for sobbing. This was when it finally dawned on me that this was a dumb idea. I literally had no idea up to that point that some girls’ greatest fear is being assaulted.

The “hoodlums” demanded money and pushed Will around. At that point my girlfriend grabbed the stocking cap off of one of them and said, “Is this Danny?” What I thought was my girlfriend sobbing was actually her stifling giggles.[1]That girlfriend eventually became my wife and has been for 30 years. 🙂 But she was the only one. The rest of the girls did not forgive Will and me for quite a while.

That was a foolish idea from beginning to end. It was illegal (climbing over the fence), unsafe physically, unsafe emotionally, and unkind.

You know what Will and I didn’t do? We didn’t run this idea past our Camp Director, or Program Director, or really anyone that might have told us no. Why? Well we really didn’t want to hear anyone that would push back on our idea. We didn’t want to listen. We had a week to plan this, and at no time did we ask a more mature person what they thought of this idea.

There’s one chief characteristic of the wise person over the foolish person in the Book of Proverbs, and it’s simply this: wise people listen. Foolish people don’t listen. You can really summarize Proverbs that way. A wise son or daughter listens. That is taught by how often Solomon tells his sons to hear him. [2]All passages from the ESV.

Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching…. Prov 1:8
My son, be attentive to my words; incline your ear to my sayings. Prov 4:20  (cf. 4:1, 10; 5:1; 5:7; 7:24; 23:19)

We’re taught this when wisdom is personified in chapter eight and tells the naive to hear her.

Hear, for I will speak noble things, and from my lips will come what is right, Prov 8:6
Blessed is the one who listens to me, watching daily at my gates, waiting beside my doors. Prov 8:34  

We’re taught this truth generally.

The ear that listens to life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise. Prov 15:31 
Incline your ear, and hear the words of the wise, and apply your heart to my knowledge, Prov 22:17 (cf. 23:9; 25:12)

But most clearly it’s taught when fools and wise people are contrasted.

The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice. Prov 12:15  
A wise son hears his father’s instruction, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke. Prov 13:1  

There are other marks of wisdom in Proverbs—the fear of the Lord is the foundation of wisdom for example (Prov 1:7). But the primary mark is a wise person listens.

It’s easy for us forget this simple lesson. Give me a little ministry success, a little success in my family, maybe some actual spiritual growth over a besetting sin, and I start to think that I don’t have to listen. I can become less teachable. Not really unteachable, but I’m less teachable. I start to pick and choose whom I hear. Those that I think are spiritually less than me I ignore. I think “What could they teach me?” I become more defensive. I don’t hear rebukes (Prov 13:1) because I don’t think I could need them.

Are you in a spiritual place where you can listen to others? The foolish son doesn’t listen. Neither does the foolish parent. He’s condescending to those that share truth with him. Heed the Book of Proverbs. You must be a person that hears wisdom, that seeks for wisdom. Be a listener; be teachable, and you will also be wise.

My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding…. Prov 2:1–6

References

References
↑1 That girlfriend eventually became my wife and has been for 30 years. 🙂
↑2 All passages from the ESV.