Category: Forgiveness

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A One-Word Summary of Marriage

Which word would you choose as the most important in marriage?

A few months ago a young couple in our church that was on the cusp of engagement asked me what one word is most important in marriage. They had been asking other older Christian couples to summarize what was necessary in a Christian marriage in a single word. I honestly don’t remember what I told them, and it’s really hard to list one word as more important than others in a Christian marriage. However, I know what I would say now. My answer would be forgiveness.

My parents got saved as adults—they didn’t grow up in Christian families. They learned about forgiveness and insisted my older brother and I forgive each other. They were rather rigid in their understanding of it, and compelled us to say “I was wrong; will you forgive me?” I’ve heard those described as the seven hardest words to say in the English language. I didn’t always like doing it, but I did learn how to get right with someone I had sinned against. That was a blessing.

When I sinned against roommates, classmates, and friends while attending Bible College, I asked their forgiveness in the rather wooden, but clear method I had been taught by my parents. (I’m grateful for the clear, direct way my parents taught me to seek forgiveness. An ambiguous confession makes it harder to forgive.) Sometimes these other Christian kids would play it off as no big deal. In some I could see a surprised look on their faces. They had never been asked to forgive someone, and they didn’t know what to do when someone did. I thought that was in the DNA of every Christian family, but I found out it wasn’t.

In the first few years of our marriage, my wife would insist we get right with each other before the day ended. Sadly, I could sleep being unreconciled, but my wife couldn’t. She really believed the words of Eph 4:26.

Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger…. (Eph 4:26 NASB95)

Even though my parents taught me better, I stubbornly refused sometimes to admit my sin and seek Laura’s forgiveness. But God was gracious, and I was convicted of my sin. Both humbly seeking forgiveness and graciously offering it are important. Some say the words, but don’t mean them. I believe the Bible teaches that forgiveness is a three-fold promise not to bring it up to their face, not to bring it up behind their back, and not to dwell on it. That last promise, when kept, prevents bitterness and promotes sweet reconciliation.

Laura and I developed the good habit of dealing with today’s sin, today. It became a norm in our family to seek forgiveness and to forgive both with each other and with our kids. It’s a bit humbling to ask your four-year-old son for his forgiveness or your 16-year-old daughter, but it’s obedience to God.

This isn’t a magic word in marriage. There are many good words you could defend as important in a Christian marriage, but nothing has had a greater impact on my relationships with my wife and my kids than forgiveness. It’s rare that Laura and I don’t get right before going to bed on days when we sin against each other. I’m thankful for a wife that is committed to forgiveness. She’s had to forgive me a lot. It’s been pretty one-sided in our relationship. Some who hear that and don’t know us might think that’s false humility. But if you know us, you know that I’m the one that tends to be irritable and cranky and… sinful. Laura is the kind one in the relationship. God has grown me a ton, but I still sin against her more than she does against me. So she forgives really well—maybe because I give her so much practice. 😉

Forgiveness can be the grease that makes a marriage work smoothly. It lessens the rough patches. And it makes a difference even if only one of you is committed to forgiveness. I hope you forgive well. After all, we have a great pattern in God’s forgiveness of us (Eph 4:32; Mt 18:23-35).

I’ve written other thoughts on forgiveness here, here, here and here.

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Is Forgiveness Conditional or Unconditional?

Or a Case for Attitudinal Forgiveness

A friend asked me a question about forgiveness and while I’ve blogged on this before, I wanted to take another run at this question. I have no illusions that this will put this question to bed, but I hope it is faithful to the Bible and gives some truth to consider. There are good Christians that disagree on this very issue. 

So the question is, if God’s forgiveness is our pattern (Eph 4:32), is His forgiveness unconditional? And the clear answer is no. Jesus doesn’t save everybody; only those that repent. So if that’s the pattern, then should my forgiveness of others also be conditional? Should I expect repentance before I forgive them?

We can put this in the form of a syllogism.

•          Major Premise: We are to forgive as God forgave us. 
•          Minor Premise: God only forgives those that repent.
•          Conclusion: We only forgive those that repent.

That’s the set up for the question, but there are other passages that can make us lean one way or the other. For example, there are incidents in Scripture that would indicate forgiveness is unconditional.

Acts 7:60 (NASB95) Then falling on his knees, he cried out with a loud voice, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them!” Having said this, he fell asleep. 

If their sin is not held against them, then they are forgiven. That’s what Stephen is requesting.

Luke 6:27–28 (NASB95) “But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 

These are Christ’s words in the Sermon on the Mount. Wouldn’t an enemy receiving this kind of love think his sin has been forgiven by you? What’s the difference between this kind of love and actual forgiveness if there is a difference?

Luke 23:33–34 (NASB95) When they came to the place called The Skull, there they crucified Him and the criminals, one on the right and the other on the left. But Jesus was saying, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.” And they cast lots, dividing up His garments among themselves. 

Jesus on the cross is asking the Father to forgive men who didn’t repent and didn’t request forgiveness.

But there are also passages that indicate forgiveness is conditioned on the other person’s repentance.

Luke 17:3–4 (NASB95) “Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. “And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.” 
“Forgive as Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:13).

Those who understand forgiveness to be conditional normally look at forgiveness as a transaction between two parties. They claim if the person hasn’t asked forgiveness, it would be meaningless to make a promise not to bring it up. The offender never requested that. And they base this on Eph 4:32.

I like what John MacArthur says about Eph 4:32, 

To make conditionality the gist of Christlike forgiving seems to miss the whole point of what Scripture is saying. When Scripture instructs us to forgive in the manner we have been forgiven, what is in view is not the idea of withholding forgiveness until the offender expresses repentance. 
The attitude of the forgiver is where the focus of Scripture lies, not the terms of forgiveness. [1]John MacArthur, The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness (Wheaton: Crossway Books, 1998), 118, 119.

There are more passages that help me lean towards attitudinal forgiveness. 

Matthew 6:12–15 (ESV) and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Our forgiveness from God depends upon us granting forgiveness, and there is no mention of whether the person repented or not. I need to lean towards forgiveness with those that sin against me.

James 2:13 (ESV) For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.

We need to be merciful people. Those that aren’t merciful will receive merciless judgment.

Matthew 18:35 (ESV) So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.” 
Luke 6:36–38 (ESV) Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”

God wants us to be forgiving, merciful people. 

Mark 11:25–26 (NASB95) “Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions. “But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your transgressions.”

Forgive even if they haven’t asked for it. Just have a desire to forgive. There is no mention of confrontation.

So I ride the fence and say forgiveness is conditional and unconditional. The reality is that some forgiveness is offered unilaterally and without conditions, while at other times it is a two-way transaction and is only offered when requested. 

Some Sins Are Confronted in Love

In Luke 17:3 and Matthew 18:15-17 there are specific steps to be followed in confronting the offender and at each step if the person repents, the person is forgiven. The final step for the unrepentant is discipline from the church. This is obviously conditional forgiveness.

But not every offense calls for confronting the offender. The Bible gives us another procedure for handling offenses, and this procedure helps me have a forgiving attitude. 

Some Sins Are Covered in Love 

Proverbs 10:12 (NASB95) Hatred stirs up strife, But love covers all transgressions. 
Proverbs 17:9 (NASB95) He who conceals a transgression seeks love, But he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends. 
1 Peter 4:7–8 (NASB95) The end of all things is near; therefore, be of sound judgment and sober spirit for the purpose of prayer. Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. 

And I believe when 1 Cor 13:5 says love doesn’t keep account of a wrong suffered that’s an example of forgiveness without conditions also.

In other words, some sins you choose to forgive without confronting because of your love. When you do this, you are making the same promise (not to bring it up to them or others and not to dwell on it) even though they are not aware of it.

The word cover (kalupto, καλύπτῶ) in 1 Peter 4:8 means to cover up or to remove from sight (BAG and Liddell & Scott). This is what forgiveness does. Covering sin in 1 Peter 4:8 is the same as forgiveness. We know this because of the definition of the word but also because covering sin is equated with forgiveness in other passages.

Psalm 32:1 (NASB95) How blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, Whose sin is covered! 
Psalm 85:2 (NASB95) You forgave the iniquity of Your people; You covered all their sin. Selah. 
James 5:20 (NASB95) let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins. 

“A lost sheep is saved from destruction and his sins (the sins of the restored one, not the restorer) are covered as if a veil were thrown over them. He can move ahead again on the path toward spiritual maturity.” [2]Walvoord, John F., Roy B. Zuck, and Dallas Theological Seminary. The Bible Knowledge Commentary : An Exposition of the Scriptures. Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1983-c1985.

So if in this situation you are actually forgiving the person, then we know that forgiveness is sometimes unconditional (attitudinal) and not conditional (transactional). We are to be forgiving people. In fact, our forgiveness from God is dependent on our forgiving others (Mark 11:25). In this passage forgive is an imperative. Forgiveness is an issue of obedience; it is a choice. There is no mention of confrontation and repentance in this passage.

I believe forgiveness is both conditional and unconditional or transactional and attitudinal. The Bible says both. Ideally the offender admits his sin and seeks forgiveness. But if he doesn’t, I still love my enemies. I overcome evil with good. I cover his sin with love. What does that look like to the offender? It probably looks like forgiveness, right? [3]There’s great stuff on forgiveness in John MacArthur’s book, The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness, and Chris Braun’s book, Unpacking Forgiveness. Chris Braun says it’s only transactional. An … Continue reading 

References

References
↑1 John MacArthur, The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness (Wheaton: Crossway Books, 1998), 118, 119.
↑2 Walvoord, John F., Roy B. Zuck, and Dallas Theological Seminary. The Bible Knowledge Commentary : An Exposition of the Scriptures. Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1983-c1985.
↑3 There’s great stuff on forgiveness in John MacArthur’s book, The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness, and Chris Braun’s book, Unpacking Forgiveness. Chris Braun says it’s only transactional. An offender that never repents and asks for forgiveness can’t be forgiven. MacArthur says at times it’s attitudinal. You need to cultivate a forgiving spirit towards the offender even if he never admits his sin.
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What King David and Philemon have in Common

A friend of mine started a church in Canada years ago that God blessed with many conversions. It became over 500 hundred attenders that were mostly new believers. Laura and I were able to do two marriage conferences there over the years, and it was so encouraging to see how teachable and hungry the people were. Often what we taught was the first time they had ever heard it, and they just assumed that if the Bible says that, they need to obey it. It was so much fun.

This same pastor friend said that one time they started a small group for men struggling with pornography. Again, lots of new believers who don’t know how church is done. They don’t know they are supposed to pretend they don’t struggle with lust. The church announced it and put a sign up on the church bulletin board and MEN SIGNED UP! I cannot imagine that happening in the churches I’ve known. Most Christians are way too private about their spiritual lives, and especially their spiritual failures. Would men sign up at your church where others could see their names?

I’ve been thinking about two passages in the Bible that seem to have a commonality that I never noticed before. Psalm 51 is a familiar psalm that we recognize as David’s song of repentance after his sin with Bathsheba. I’ve read it many times for my own soul’s benefit, and I’ve pointed others to it to encourage repentance.

But recently I thought about it as an example of David’s transparency about a major failure. The superscription says David wrote it after Nathan came to him after he had gone in to Bathsheba. The superscription is not subtle—it doesn’t say that David wrote this after some general failure in his life, but it specifically tells us and anyone who has read it over the years that it was David’s sin with Bathsheba—his adultery and murder.

That is incredibly transparent. We don’t like to admit our failures in specific, and David does here. Think about this: David intended this to be sung about his sin. He didn’t just admit it to a few trusted friends. He wrote a song about it. Why was King David so honest in his confession? Well he was clearly more concerned with repentance than covering up. It’s one reason we know his repentance was genuine.

The second passage was in Philemon where Paul appeals on behalf of the converted slave, Onesimus. In verse 2 Paul says that this letter was also written to Aphia, who was probably Philemon’s wife, and Archippus. Now who is Archippus? He most likely was a church leader either at Colosse or Laodicea.

See what Paul has done? He knew how Philemon should respond to his runaway slave, Onesimus, now that Onesimus is saved and growing. He wanted Philemon to forgive Onesimus. He even claims that he could have commanded Philemon to do this, but he wanted Philemon to do it on his own, not from compulsion (verses 8-9).

But Paul does apply some good pressure on Philemon to choose forgiveness, and one way he does that is by including Archippus as a recipient of the letter. Archippus would know how Paul appealed to Philemon. So this decision wasn’t just between Paul, Philemon, and even Onesimus (who probably brought the letter), but also included Archippus.

Philemon might have liked to consider this by himself, but Paul doesn’t allow that.

The connection between these two passages is transparency. David chose to be honest and open about his sin—can’t get much more open than writing a song about it. And Philemon was forced to be open and honest about his need to forgive Onesimus.

Your spiritual life is not yours alone. The entire church is invested. You should welcome opportunities to be honest about your struggles with sin. That encourages and edifies others and it leads you to humility—always a needed virtue (Jam 4:6). And you should welcome the intrusion of other believers who help you see your sin and plead with you to change. Just-Jesus-and-you Christianity is not biblical Christianity.

I want my church to be full of people that are not hiding their sin. I want them to be so secure in their identity in Christ that they don’t care what others know about them. And I want my church to be full of Christians that are willing, like Paul, to encourage each other to please God. And if I’m going to have a church like that, I need model that in my relationships. A step towards honesty and transparency feels risky, but it is a good step—just look at King David and Philemon.

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Easy Christlikeness

Some Christians think that because they love those that like them, they are being Christlike. And probably they are. In fact, some Christians outside of Christ would be unkind even to those that like them—they would give evil for good. They are rascals. I was one of those rascals before Christ. That is a change that the gospel makes in us.

But that’s the low hanging fruit of sanctification. Jesus said that even unbelievers love those that love them (Luke 6:32). It’s not that hard.

It’s much more difficult to be Christlike with those that dislike us.

Once I saw a social media post where some friends in a ministry I love were slandered quite unjustly. I knew all the players on both sides of the issue. I’m unfortunately thoroughly up to speed on the attacker (and those that commented approvingly) and on those being attacked.

My response? To think angry thoughts towards the poster. And it was easy for me to excuse. I justified it because of their sinful life.  

But how quickly my thoughts turn to anger rather than love. How quickly I become defensive of the people I love (or myself) with nary a thought of praying for the attacker. In these situations the Spirit has used Romans 12 to convict me many times.

Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Rom 12:17–21 (ESV)

This is one reason I know I am far, far from becoming like Christ. I find it very difficult to repay good for evil. I don’t have it in me to love my enemies, but Jesus said that is what I must do.

“But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. Luke 6:27–28 (NASB95)

The next verse tells me to turn the other cheek when someone strikes me and to give him my shirt after he stole my coat. If I cannot pray for those that mistreat me, I won’t ever give away my shirt.

You cannot minister long and well without some that you have tried to help turning on you unjustly. The Apostle Paul had both Demas and Alexander the Coppersmith, John the Apostle had Diotrephes who unjustly accused him, and Jesus had Judas. You and I will not fare any better than they did if we are faithful in ministry.

So… The Spirit brings me to my knees for confession and repentance. I need Christ to change me. Loving enemies is not natural to me. It is not easy to be Christlike. If it were easy, then I really wouldn’t need Christ, would I?

You will have a Diotrephes someday if you don’t have one right now. Will you overcome evil with good? Will your Diotrephes prove how much you still need Christ to change you?

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When My Sin Is the Worst…

One of my goals in 2022 is to review my devotional journal from 10 years ago so I’m reminded of God’s sanctifying work in my life. I came across this today…

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Last night I was reminded of God’s grace again. I sinned against my wife and son, and God graciously forgave me. Because of my sin against my wife, I made a poor decision with my son. My sin against his mother affected him. I was wrong. God’s grace is all over my life. I have a son that I don’t deserve. He obeyed me when it was extraordinarily difficult to do so. He’s a much better son to me than I ever was to my father. In part I know God’s grace because of my son. I don’t deserve a son like him.

When my sin embarrasses me, I grow in humility—even if only temporarily. And it embarrasses me now to think about last night. The Gospel is precious because it’s not by works that I’m saved. When my sin embarrasses me, I’m especially sensitive to the message of the Gospel. God’s grace becomes a rich treasure and my only hope. When my sin is the worst, the Gospel is so much more precious.

Thank You Father for Your saving and sanctifying grace.

This is how the gospel becomes more precious to us—as we see our sin with more clarity and accuracy we realize how blessed we are that God would save us. Knowing our sin is an unusual blessing; it helps humble us, and humility draws us closer to God. 

Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you. James 4:8-10 (ESV)

In Luke 6:36-50 right after a woman who was a great sinner washed Jesus’ feet with her tears, Jesus told the parable of the two debtors to Simon, the self-righteous Pharisee who was his host. One debtor owed a lot and his debt was cancelled; one owed a little and also had his debt cancelled. So Jesus asks Simon,

Now which of them will love him more?” Simon answered, “The one, I suppose, for whom he cancelled the larger debt.” And he said to him, “You have judged rightly.” Luke 7:42b–43 (ESV)

I don’t appreciate the gospel when I don’t think I’m a very big sinner. When I have more in common with Simon the Pharisee’s self-righteousness than the immoral woman’s sorrow and repentance, the gospel won’t be that precious.

So, today, are you amazed by God’s grace? If not, could it be that you don’t think sin is that significant in your life? When your sin is the worst, the Gospel is so much more precious.