Marriage – kraigkeck.com

September 9, 2023September 9, 2023

What Does It Mean to Own Your Sin?

My bike got stolen. When I was a kid my Dad bought a new 24” bike for me from Kmart with only a few stipulations. I was supposed to lock it up each night in the garage. This was the era when Huffy made bikes that looked like dirt bikes. Mine was black and had racing numbers on it. It was cool!

Well, I didn’t lock it up every night. I left it in the yard overnight regularly, and one night it disappeared. A second stipulation was that if it got stolen, my dad wouldn’t buy me another one. I was on my own. I spent a summer running everywhere and earning money for a new bike. Finally I had enough to buy a 10-speed. I didn’t lock it in the garage; I brought it into the house, down the stairs, and into the basement every night. Yes, every night. And it never got stolen. I still had it when I went to college. I was responsible for that bike. I owned it. You could say I owned the one that was stolen, but I violated the first rule of ownership—I didn’t take responsibility for it.

What does it mean to own your sin? Someone asked me this. I told them that owning his sin would make his marriage better, and he thoughtfully asked what does that mean?

I’ve also had a Christian not like that word. They told me that their sin doesn’t identify them anymore, and it’s forgiven, so why should they own it? I’m using the word not as an identity statement, but referring to responsibility. Do you take responsibility for your sin?

And I think owning is an illustrative metaphor for that idea. If you own a car, you are responsible for it. You have to make the payments, get the insurance, and get it new tires when it needs them. No one else is responsible for your car, only you. No one else is responsible for your sin, only you are.

Ezekiel taught us this in a graphic way.

“The person who sins will die. The son will not bear the punishment for the father’s iniquity, nor will the father bear the punishment for the son’s iniquity; the righteousness of the righteous will be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked will be upon himself. Ezekiel 18:20 (NASB95)

So if owning my sin is taking responsibility for it, then what are some signs I’m owning my sin?

You Don’t Point Fingers

There is no sin against me that excuses my sin. There are some awful, tragic ways that sinners sin against each other. I’m not dismissing those at all. But I cannot excuse my sin because of someone else’s sin. No sin against you justifies your sin.

So owning my sin means I don’t point fingers at others. I don’t look at their sin against me or their “worse” sin as making mine acceptable.

This is especially tempting in marriage. Families like to point fingers at each other and justify themselves. The husband says he wouldn’t be sarcastic if his wife didn’t embarrass him in front of others. She says she wouldn’t yell if her kids would just do what they’re told. And the kids claim they wouldn’t be so disrespectful if their dad wasn’t so passive. Everyone is pointing fingers at someone else. Every family can become the Spider-man Pointing meme.

So where are you pointing fingers at others?

You Don’t Resent Accountability

We need accountability. We need another Christian to care enough to tell us that we are wrong in a gentle but firm way. We need intervention. We need other believers.

But we don’t like accountability. We don’t want to be asked tough questions. We don’t want others intruding into our lives and expecting us to change. But God expects us to change. He commands intervention (Gal 6).

Accountability doesn’t work if the person being held accountable doesn’t want it. Paul Tripp has said that you cannot hold a runner accountable. They need rebuke. A sinner that owns their sin doesn’t run. They expect to be called on their sin. They hate their sin and want to be rid of it.

The sinner that owns their sin will appreciate, yes appreciate, accountability.

So where are you resisting accountability? Where do you think accountability is good for others, but not for you?

You Don’t Fight Consequences

Often when we fight consequences we are downplaying how serious our sin is. This is why the formerly adulterous husband can cringe when his wife asks where he’s been. This is why the teen who has asked for help with his pornography can still fight losing his phone privileges. This is why the addict can fight giving up his credit cards and cash and living on an allowance.

We all like to believe that when others commit the same sin, their version of it was worse than ours and deserves consequences. But our sin… no way. Why can’t those around you see that you’ve changed and remove the consequences? That’s how we like to think. But when I own my sin, I know there are consequences. And I’m okay with that. I’ve earned them.

Where are you fighting consequences? Where do you think your consequences are too harsh?

You Don’t Completely Forget the Past

The Apostle Paul did tell us that he forgot those things behind (Phil 3:13-14), but he couldn’t have meant that he forgot all about his past at all times. We know this because he’s also the apostle that told us about his life before Christ. His forgetting didn’t mean never remembering it.

Paul also regularly reminded us of who we were (Eph 2:1-3; Col 1:13, 21, etc.) before Christ. Why would he do that if we’re supposed to completely forget the past?

So the Christian that owns their sin doesn’t completely forget the past. They don’t live in it, but they also know that remembering who they were humbles them. Remembering how they blew it can protect them from it happening again. After all, without God’s grace it could happen again. In your own strength, you are the person that could commit that sin.

Where are you desperately trying to forget the past? Where are you too quick to believe you are not at all that person anymore?

I’m sure there are more signs of owning our sin, but these are enough to challenge me. Do you own your sin?

July 29, 2023

Are There Gendered Sins?

My Bible College president scared me in dorm devotions. I think my Bible College experience was fairly typical for the time (late ‘80s early ‘90s) in this respect: consistently the guys were warned in chapels and dorm devotions about the dangers of pornography. In fact, it was presented as a characteristically male sin—women didn’t struggle with it. I never heard of a girl student at our college that was into pornography, but too many guys were. Of course it was less available then than it is now. We were warned about magazines, which were more difficult to get and keep hidden. But I remember our college president righteously indignant—probably over hearing of another pastor friend’s moral failure—speaking in our dorm devotions and shocking me about the dangers of porn. It was so formative and shaping that I told my Dad about that dorm devotional. He responded by writing a letter to the college president thanking him for scaring me!

Youth pastors were told that porn is something you must confront for the guys in your youth group, and really only the guys. Teen boys, they were taught, in general were tempted by sight, and teen girls were tempted by touch. It was taught as if it were pretty much an exclusively male temptation, and I believed it was then.

However, for the past three years my wife worked in Student Life at a Bible College counseling young women, and she was surprised how many girls struggled with sexual sins. Others have seen this change too. One of my good ministry friends preaches at Christian Camps and he says it’s almost an equal percentages of males to females who struggle with porn. It turns out it’s not exclusively a male temptation—maybe not even a greater temptation for men than for women. All it took was easy availability on phones for women to struggle with this temptation too. So it was really never a sin that was just for men. Apparently with opportunity it was actually a fairly equal problem.

Yet the Apostle Paul warned Timothy, a young man, to “flee from youthful lusts” (2 Tim 2:22) Does this indicate it’s more a male problem? They weren’t described as “Timothy lusts” but “youthful lusts.” It still seems to me that men are more wired this way than women even though women seem to be catching up.

During this same time in the ‘80s and ‘90s women would be warned about immodesty much more than men. Is immodesty more a female temptation than a male temptation? I would have thought so then. Is it true (as I would have been taught in my college days) that men stumble easier visually than women do? Maybe it’s so, but I’m not sure this is as good an example of a gender-specific sin (either the women’s immodesty or the men’s leering) as I would have believed then. Christian women do think about modesty more than Christian men do. Christian men need to think about it; women struggle with sexual lust too.

Another example from the ‘80s is gossip. I heard preaching then as if gossip were mostly a female temptation, but I’ve attended enough pastors conferences to know that gossip isn’t just for women. Men like gossip too.

So are there some sins that are more tempting to one sex than the other? I’m not asking if men or women are the greater sinners. Scripture doesn’t differentiate between the sexes that way; both sexes struggle with sin equally. I’m asking if some sins are more tempting to men than women and vice versa?

Each Sex Has Role-Specific Temptations

I am a complementarian so I believe that men and women are equal but have different God-given roles in marriage. Genesis 3 teaches us that women and men will struggle with sins specific to their roles.

To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.” Genesis 3:16 (ESV)

The wife will be tempted to resist her husband’s leadership, and the husband will be tempted to be oppressive in leadership. And probably every pastor’s experience bears this out. They counsel women who are not satisfied with how their husbands are leading their families, and they resist the husband’s leadership. But of course submission is not the main problem in those marriages. A wife’s submission almost never is. It is almost always a husband that is an insecure leader, or too controlling, or too passive–a failure to spiritually lead as he’s called to do. The wife’s unsubmission often indicates a husband’s unbiblical leadership.

But even under the best leadership, Genesis 3:16 teaches us that wives at times will struggle to follow their husband’s leadership. And it teaches that men will be tempted to use their role to oppress wives. But even these are not exclusively male or female sins. Men often struggle with submission to authority (think government, employers, and to pastors [Heb 13:17]), and women can be tempted with abusing power they have over others (think children or authority in employment).

Each sex has role-specific temptations that are exclusive to the commands of Scripture. That makes them a kind of gender-specific temptation. It’s not that women can’t be tempted to oppress and men can’t be tempted to be unsubmissive, but those temptations are not natural to their roles. They occur outside of their biblical roles in the family.

And in the sins that are not just sins but also illegal, men are “leaders” in all of them. Men are way more likely to rape, sexually assault, verbally abuse, and murder. None of those are common sins for all men (other than as a form of oppression, which does tempt men), but when those sins are committed, it’s disproportionately by men. So some men are more tempted by those sins than women are. That’s an example of men using their physical strength to oppress others. They have greater opportunity because of their physical power and they use it not to serve, but to abuse.

Men and women both serve lusts but men are more likely to use physical strength/intimidation to serve them and women are maybe more likely to use softer means since they don’t have physical strength.^[1]I hesitate to mention examples of those softer means for fear of being misunderstood. However, I’ll let John Piper say it. 😉 “…you might say that both men and women have sexual … Continue reading

All People Have Custom, Individual Temptations

In a section on temptation James says…

But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. James 1:14 (ESV)

“His own” is a translation of a Greek word whose root is idios (ἴδιος). It’s the word we get “idiot” from, but it doesn’t mean stupid in the New Testament text. It means one’s own possession or property. James is saying that we have custom temptations that are individual to each of us. James doesn’t distinguish between men and women even though he claims we have customized desires. The Apostle Paul concurs.

For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. Titus 3:3 (ESV)

We weren’t slaves to the same passions and pleasures. They were individual; they were designer lusts. So each of us has customized temptations. There are things that tempt me that may not tempt you at all, or don’t tempt you in the same way, or don’t tempt you with the same intensity. And that has nothing necessarily to do with gender.

So I am tempted with sins that are different than tempt my wife, but that’s not because of our genders. Don’t read this as me trying to tear down distinctions between the sexes because I also believe we are tempted with sins that are rooted in our gender-specific God-given roles. And those necessarily require them to be gender-specific temptations.

This is barely a beginning word on this, much less a final word. Use the comments to help me refine this.

References[+]

References
↑1	I hesitate to mention examples of those softer means for fear of being misunderstood. However, I’ll let John Piper say it. 😉 “…you might say that both men and women have sexual longings. But their peculiarities will tempt them to pursue those in sinful ways that are different. The man’s superior strength might tempt him to use force to get what he wants sexually (called rape) instead of using his strength to protect and to care for the woman. And the woman, being the “weaker vessel,” as Peter describes it (1 Peter 3:7), might be tempted to be more subtle and manipulative to get what she wants sexually. So, there are differences between male and female. And there are, therefore, different temptations that they might face. Ask Pastor John, Episode 1836, September 16, 2022, https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/whos-more-sinful-men-or-women, Accessed July 28, 2023

April 30, 2023May 1, 2023

Playing with a Tiger

How Does Sin Deceive?

But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. Hebrews 3:13 (ESV)

Siegfried and Roy made careers out of performing with their white tigers for the entertainment of Las Vegas tourists. And they were unique in that these were dangerous wild animals, and the audience wasn’t separated from these big cats. They performed thousands of times with 1500 people in the audience without incident until a show in 2003 when Roy was mauled and carried off stage by one of the tigers. He never performed again. You can treat tigers like pets, and they certainly did have amazing success with them for decades, but they were still wild animals. Watching the show an audience member could probably have believed that they were just big, impressive house pets. But they were not.

Sin is like that wild tiger.

I was counseling a man once, and I spent some time in Hebrews 3:13 talking about how our sin deceives us. We need other believers to help us see what we cannot see. He asked why I thought to talk on this, and I told him it’s because his sin deceives him (and my sin deceives me). It’s a regular occurrence for us, and realizing it helps unmask it.

What makes sin’s deception worse is you also conspire with your sin. Your sin is not some outside enemy trying to breach the walls of your heart. It’s in your heart, and you like to live in darkness. We are natural-born hiders. We love having a reputation that we don’t deserve. We love pretending we’re something we are not. So your sin deceives you, but it often has a willing accomplice in you.

So how does our sin deceive us? The author of Hebrews claims it does and that we need other Christians to help us see it. In fact, we need their intervention on a daily basis. But what does that deception look like? Hebrews 3:13 doesn’t get specific, but I believe there are several ways that sin deceives us.

Your Sin Deceives You About Its Existence

You sin in ways that you don’t even know. There are things that are sin in your life, but you don’t know they are there yet. We’ve probably all had this experience when reading God’s Word or hearing a sermon in church—our eyes are opened by the Holy Spirit to a sin that we never saw before. It reminds me of Psalm 19.

Who can discern his errors? Declare me innocent from hidden faults. Psalm 19:12 (ESV)

We have hidden faults that are hidden from us. Sin is happy to hide in plain sight in our lives. It’s happy to hide in the dark in our lives. Sin just loves to hide and make us believe that it’s not there at all.

Your Sin Deceives You About Its Extent

Sin lies to you. Even when you see your sin, your sin is working to deceive you. It’s only admitting what you see. It’s saying, “Nothing else to see here. Keep walking.” So you see your problem with authority at work, but you don’t see it in how you ignore city ordinances about your yard. You are aware of your selfishness in serving around the home, but you don’t see it in your lack of financial generosity. You see how your fear of man has kept you from sharing the gospel, but you don’t see how it has kept you from ministry in the church. You see how your anxiety has made you sick, but you don’t see how it has led you to doubt God’s goodness.

The sin that you do see is far more pervasive and extensive than you know. Your sin has roots throughout your heart. Sin deceives you.

Your Sin Deceives You About Its Seriousness

We downplay our sin. I don’t believe that my sin is that serious. Yours probably is, but I’ve got mine under control.

Sin is always serious. Jesus had to die for it. God’s wrath was justly applied to Jesus for your sin. That means that your light besetting sin is not something that doesn’t matter. It does. And it’s our familiarity with certain sins that probably leads us to downplay how severe they are. If there is an eternal penalty for it, it’s not a mild thing. Sin hides in plain sight by pretending to be docile and meek when it’s actually deadly.

Your sin wants you to think it’s no big deal. Let it live a while longer. Play with it. No! John Owen was right when he said, “Be killing sin, or sin will be killing you.” You need to kill it. It is serious.

Your Sin Deceives You About Its Effects or Consequences

This is an especially popular lie of sin in an age when we believe that our sin only affects us. If it’s a private sin, then what harm is it actually doing? The young person soaking up pornography night after night doesn’t see how it distorts his view of people. He no longer loves his neighbor, he only lusts after his neighbor. The husband who silently stews over offenses rather than yelling doesn’t think that the silent treatment harms his family relationships, but it does. His wife and children live fearful and wondering why dad is so mad. Many marriages have seen a creeping distance develop because one or both spouses didn’t think this or that sin was that important. They weren’t relentless in killing sin.

And where sin most lies to us about its effects is in our relationship with God. Our sin pushes us away from intimacy with the One who created us.

If I had cherished iniquity in my heart, the Lord would not have listened. Psalm 66:18 (ESV)

Our sin lets us pretend that everything is fine with God when it is absolutely not fine. This is why some that quit attending church during Covid have said “I’m doing better spiritually now than I was when I was attending church.” That’s not possible (Heb 10:25), but sin is a deceiver. It makes you believe that your sin has had no effect on your closeness with God.

Your Sin Deceives You About Its Danger

This is where sin is most like playing with a wild animal. It’s as if we’re all playing with full grown tigers. Just because the tiger hasn’t turned on us yet doesn’t meant it’s not dangerous. It doesn’t mean it’s not deadly.

The iniquities of the wicked ensnare him, and he is held fast in the cords of his sin. Prov 5:22 (ESV)

I’ve always imagined sewing thread being wrapped around us one strand at a time as a picture of Prov 5:22. Sure three, four, maybe even eight strands I can break. But even sewing thread wrapped around you enough times will bind you. That’s the danger of sin. It lets you believe that you’re in control while it slowly strangles you. When you finally realize it, it could be too late.

Jesus in his Sermon on the Mount said,

If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. ³⁰And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell. Matthew 5:29–30 (ESV)

Your sin is so dangerous according to Jesus, that it requires radical steps to deal with it.

Your sin lies to you. And here’s a prime example of its deception. It’s when you read this entire blog, and you think of others that need to hear this. Not you. You don’t need this, but that other Christian you’re thinking of does.

Is there some sin that you’ve been playing with? Have you been deceived?

God wants you to be holy (1 Peter 1:14-16). Sin is serious. It’s not a trifling matter. Put your sin to death. Kill it or it will kill you.

January 31, 2023

Is Separation Appropriate in Cases of Emotional/Verbal Abuse?

One of the most difficult questions I face when counseling an emotionally abused woman is whether or not she should temporarily separate from her husband. More conservative evangelicals are suggesting that abuse counts as abandonment or desertion of the marriage or that it’s a third reason for divorce besides adultery and abandonment, but it’s not a slam dunk debate.^[1]Denny Burk and His book, What is the Meaning of Sex? Page 135. Wayne Grudem and a second article specifically including verbal abuse. David Schuman, Russell Moore, and Darby Strickland, Is It Abuse?: … Continue reading All counselors, secular and Christian, recommend separation when physical abuse is alleged, but because of our high view of marriage, it’s a more difficult question for biblical counselors.

Consider two Scripture passages.

Romans 12:18 (ESV) If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Proverbs 22:3 (ESV) The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.

It’s not always possible to live peaceably with someone, and a prudent person gets away from evil. They hide. These verses aren’t specifically on marriage, but they speak to the realities of some marriages. Some wives no matter how hard they try cannot live peaceably with their abuser. He won’t allow it. And in those cases, even if only for verbal assaults, it may be prudent for her to get away from the danger.

Some counselors that work through the difficulty of this question claim that the safety of the victim is more important than maintaining the marriage. Diane Langberg says, “We have misled people with our very narrow, limited interpretation of what God hates. We respond as if God hates the dissolution of a marriage but can tolerate abuse, harshness, manipulation, and threats in a relationship that is meant to look like his relationship to his bride!”^[2]Diane Langberg, Redeeming Power: Understanding Authority and Abuse in the Church (Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos Press, 2020), 95. Darby Strickland, “The Littlest Victims” CCEF National Conference … Continue reading Is the sanctity of marriage more important to you than the safety of the wife and children?^[3]Al Miles, Domestic Violence: What Every Pastor Needs to Know (Minneapolis, MN: Fortress Press, 2000), 68.

I don’t believe advocating divorce in these circumstances is what a biblical counselor should do, but a temporary separation can be helpful. John Piper says, “Let me say at the outset that I am aware—painfully aware—that there are sins that spouses commit against each other that can push forbearance and forgiveness across the line into the assisting of sin and may even warrant a redemptive separation—I choose the words carefully: a redemptive separation.”^[4] John Piper, This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2009), 53.

But, it’s not a simple decision especially when considering emotional abuse where no physical or sexual abuse has been alleged. However, verbal abuse can be as destructive as physical abuse. Bethlehem Baptist has developed a statement on domestic abuse that sees an equivalence between four types of abuse:

We, the council of elders at Bethlehem Baptist Church, are resolved to root out all forms of domestic abuse (mental, emotional, physical, and sexual) in our midst. This destructive way of relating to a spouse is a satanic distortion of Christ-like male leadership because it defaces the depiction of Christ’s love for his bride. The shepherds of Bethlehem stand at the ready to protect the abused, call abusers to repentance, discipline the unrepentant, and hold up high the stunning picture of how much Christ loves his church.^[5]Jason Meyer, “Fooled by False Leadership,” Bethlehem Baptist Church, April 25/26, 2015

More Christians are recognizing the devastation that verbal/emotional abuse cause. They recognize that sometimes it’s necessary for the victim to get away from the perpetrator. Indeed, it may be the prudent decision.

John 2:24 (ESV) But Jesus on his part did not entrust himself to them, because he knew all people

Jesus has done miracles in Jerusalem during the Passover, and some have believed in His name (2:23). Not saving faith, but some type of belief in his healing powers. But Jesus doesn’t entrust himself to them. As D.A. Carson says, “Unlike other religious leaders, he cannot be duped by flattery, enticed by praise or caught off-guard in innocence.”^[6]D.A. Carson, The Gospel According to John (Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 1991), 184. So Jesus doesn’t give the benefit of the doubt when he knows that is misplaced. Jesus doesn’t put himself in their care. Brad Hambrick says of this verse, “Jesus was exceedingly gracious but no doormat.”^[7]Brad Hambrick, Making Sense of Forgiveness: Moving from Hurt toward Hope (Greensboro, NC: New Growth Press, 2021), 18. By telling women to go back to their abusive husband, are we encouraging them to be doormats for further abuse?

In an article specifically addressing verbal abuse Leslie Vernick, a Christian counselor, says,

Why would we advise a woman or man who is being emotionally abused that he or she must stay in their marriage because being pummeled by words is not serious enough to justify a biblical separation? If this same person were being regularly pummeled by fists or stabbed by their spouse, most pastors and church leaders would not only allow for biblical separation, they’d advise it.^[8]Leslie Vernick, “Is Emotional Abuse Ever Grounds for Biblical Separation?,” accessed April 7, 2015, www.leslievernick.com.

Separation is a no-brainer when talking about the physically or sexually violent spouse; I think most, if not all, pastors would agree. However, many pastors would not encourage a temporary separation for verbal abuse like I’m suggesting. One reason might be that they really don’t think verbal abuse is all that serious or that it’s as destructive to the husband-wife relationship as it really is. However, it really is devastating to a wife. Many victims claim that verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse. Physical bruises heal, but verbal wounds last a lot longer.

I believe that a temporary separation in cases of verbal abuse can be a wise, prudent, and biblical action. And I believe it has at least two benefits.

It Can Help the Abuser See His Sin.

It seems to take some extreme event before an abuser wakes up and realizes how awful his sin is. For physical abuse or sexual abuse that event could include arrest (legal consequences can wake him up). For emotional abuse that event could be church discipline and/or separation (often the wife walking out is what drives the abuser to seek help).

The husband’s response to separation is typically surprise because he sees separation as going from 0 to 60 in three seconds. “How did we end up at a temporary separation?” he says. “It seems so sudden.” But that’s because at 10, 20, 30, 40, and 50 miles per hour he wasn’t paying attention. He never understood how damaged his marriage was. He always thought his wife was overplaying it. He is characteristically blind, and when separation is the obvious next step to protect her and wake him up, he thinks it’s the first step. That’s because he hasn’t been paying attention to all the other steps.

The fog of a verbal abuser’s sin is so thick that it seems a dramatic step is needed to clear it away. Verbally abusive Christian husbands often don’t get serious about their sin—in fact they don’t even see it—until their wives leave the home for a period of time. Until then the husband goes through the motions of getting help and participating in counseling, but he really believes that his sin isn’t that bad and his wife is more at fault.

Leslie Vernick says, “At other times, separation may be implemented as a severe consequence for certain sinful behavior. As a Christian counselor I do not say this lightly. Yet at times this is the only gift of love that convinces a spouse to consider his or her destructive behaviors seriously.”^[9]Leslie Vernick, How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong (Colorado Springs, CO: Waterbrook Press, 2001), 178.

It Can Help the Victim Exit a Fog of Confusion.

A wife that is so confused she cannot make decisions or cannot understand truth is often indicative of emotional abuse. An abuser gaslights his wife so that the victim is in a state of confusion, and he controls and keeps her from family and friends. Her world gets shrunk down to just her husband.

The victim’s confusion is frustrating to those around her, including you as a friend or counselor. You will point her to God’s Word, but she will seem to be in a fog. Even the most sensible suggestions will be difficult for her to process. She cannot seem to make the most basic decision for her safety. It’s pretty amazing how long term abuse can disorient a woman.

Separation can help lift this fog. You can actually see pretty significant improvement in her understanding and decision-making when she no longer is under his verbal assaults.

I pray God gives you wisdom if you are experiencing verbal abuse (I’ve written on it here and here). But I especially hope that if you are helping someone that is being emotionally abused, you at least consider the help a temporary separation could offer. It’s easier to send her back to her abuser, but she’s the one that has to live there. Are you really expecting her to endure it?^[10]Brad Hambrick has an excellent blog where while talking about a safety plan, he defines the types of separation.

References[+]

References
↑1	Denny Burk and His book, What is the Meaning of Sex? Page 135. Wayne Grudem and a second article specifically including verbal abuse. David Schuman, Russell Moore, and Darby Strickland, Is It Abuse?: A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R, 2020), 41.
↑2	Diane Langberg, Redeeming Power: Understanding Authority and Abuse in the Church (Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos Press, 2020), 95. Darby Strickland, “The Littlest Victims” CCEF National Conference 2019, Friday, October 11, 2019. And Darby A. Strickland, Is It Abuse?: A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R, 2020), 127.
↑3	Al Miles, Domestic Violence: What Every Pastor Needs to Know (Minneapolis, MN: Fortress Press, 2000), 68.
↑4	John Piper, This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2009), 53.
↑5	Jason Meyer, “Fooled by False Leadership,” Bethlehem Baptist Church, April 25/26, 2015
↑6	D.A. Carson, The Gospel According to John (Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 1991), 184.
↑7	Brad Hambrick, Making Sense of Forgiveness: Moving from Hurt toward Hope (Greensboro, NC: New Growth Press, 2021), 18.
↑8	Leslie Vernick, “Is Emotional Abuse Ever Grounds for Biblical Separation?,” accessed April 7, 2015, www.leslievernick.com.
↑9	Leslie Vernick, How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong (Colorado Springs, CO: Waterbrook Press, 2001), 178.
↑10	Brad Hambrick has an excellent blog where while talking about a safety plan, he defines the types of separation.

January 9, 2023

In Praise of a Godly Layman, Gary Riegel, upon His Death

Just before Christmas, on December 22^nd, Gary Riegel, my father-in-law, entered glory and saw his Savior—faith became sight. It was an outcome we had been praying for because we were certain of his genuine salvation. His death after his Alzheimer’s diagnosis was quick–less than a year, but it was also God’s mercy.

Gary was born in Cody, Wyoming and spent most of his growing up years there, but spent most of his life in Laramie, Wyoming. The move was necessary, and there is a story behind it.

Gary’s father, Ted, was a sniper for the Marines in World War II, and he fought in the Island-hopping campaigns of the South Pacific. It’s hard for us to imagine how stressful and dangerous this necessary service was. One night, so the story goes, the pressure broke Ted’s good friend, Francis. He started making noise that was going to give away their position, so Ted had to shoot his friend. That’s the story the family has told; it seems the type of thing that could happen in war. What we know for sure is that Francis died, and Ted named his only child, Gary Francis Riegel, in his buddy’s memory.

What Ted experienced in the war changed him. He came back and ever after struggled with drinking. Gary’s early years were years of consistent disappointment. He loved his dad, but his dad was trapped by his own sin.

One example suffices. He promised Gary he would take him fishing. They drove off, and his dad said he needed to make a quick stop at a bar. He left Gary in the truck and went inside, and probably thought he would only be inside for a single drink, but he stayed there for hours. His young son finally got tired of waiting, got out of the truck, and walked home. Disappointments like that were normal for Gary as he grew up.

Ted was spending so much on alcohol that there wasn’t enough to buy groceries, so his wife made the tough decision of separating from him and moving to Laramie. Martha, Gary’s mom, never divorced his dad, but she never lived with him again. Even though they were separated, she loved him, and never said anything critical about him.

Martha had never heard the gospel until her brother-in-law and sister-in-law shared it with her. She was gloriously saved and through her witness, Gary trusted Christ too. He graduated from Laramie High in 1967 and married his teenage bride, Grace. Many marriages that start that early don’t last, but Gary and Grace were married over 45 years until her death.

They had nothing at the beginning; they were poor. But Gary and Grace always had their four children in church. They were of the generation that came every time the doors were open, and the doors were open a lot.

Gary started a body shop in 1976 that his oldest son owns today. Eventually the business grew and Gary and Grace had some extra room in their budget. Gary was a generous man with what God had given him. He supported several students at Bible college through the years, and he did it anonymously. He wanted them to believe that they could trust God for their needs. He supported his church at a generous level, and also supported missionaries, camp ministries, and many family members and friends. He used what God had blessed him with to bless others.

He was a godly layman for his entire adult life. He pursued Christ wholeheartedly. He was the first to volunteer when a ministry needed some physical labor. One of my youngest son’s memories is his grandpa taking him to a Christian camp in Wyoming and the two of them working on a building crew all week. That was Gary Riegel. When Laura and I were young marrieds and bought our first house, Gary would come out to North Carolina and put up a fence or build a small deck or whatever we needed. He was a servant. Through the years he served his small church as a deacon and also as treasurer.

Christ’s work in Gary’s life became increasingly evident. Like many of his generation, he didn’t have a lot of time for his children when they were young; he was always working. But he grew in Christ and made time for his adult children, their wives, and his grandkids. He was being sanctified.

My father-in-law was my go to guy for advice on cars, houses, and well… anything that required being handy. He patiently helped me. It was only a few years ago that I realized how merciful God had been to me through my in-laws. People make jokes about conflict with in-laws, and as a pastor I saw in-law situations that were very difficult. But Grace and Gary were a joy to me. They were kind and generous and humble. Gary was a godly father-in-law. Using his name in this blog is a bit jarring because I simply called him Dad.

When he retired, he and his wife would often start the day by listening to a sermon on the radio and talk about what they learned. They read God’s Word together. Grace died in 2014; they had a marriage that glorified God. Gary married Susan, and they were married until his death. She was a wonderful Christian woman whose husband had died a few years earlier.

Gary Riegel was a good man because Jesus saved him decades ago. He wasn’t naturally good. He was the only child of a drunk father, raised by his mother alone, and he married too young. Life was stacked against Gary, but he became a new creation when he trusted Christ as his Savior (2 Cor 5:17). Jesus takes rebels and makes them good through Christ’s righteousness. I’m thankful for my father-in-law’s salvation; he made some missteps as we all do, but he pursued Jesus with all his heart. When he could no longer remember his family members, he could still sing Amazing Grace–the grace of God that he never got over. He left a legacy where his grandkids can see God’s goodness. I hope my kids will remember their grandpa, be thankful, and pursue Christ like he did.