Category: Counseling

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Getting Hangry

My wife has accused me of getting hangry. I thought it was a more recent word, but its first recorded use was over 100 years ago. It’s an example of a portmanteau—a blending of two words to create a new word. It’s someone that gets irritated when they get hungry.

She sees it before I do, but I know when she sees it because in the midst of my “impassioned” words she says something like, “Well, let’s get you some lunch.” Which normally is not a response that would be expected to the topic of discussion. 😉 And, ironically, is sometimes something that I get angry about.

So… is my problem my hunger? I don’t normally eat breakfast, so I do get hungry by lunch. But is my problem hunger? Or is it that my hunger exposes my heart?

This is an actual picture of my wife and me having dinner in the ’50s. 😉

Pretty much anything Paul David Tripp writes I want to read. He communicates biblical truth so clearly and practically that all of us can understand it. This is never more true than in his 22-year-old book, Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands. In preparing for a discussion group this week I read this quote again.

Why do people do the things they do? Is my problem fundamentally an informational one? Will a well-researched, logical set of insights provide the solution? Or is my problem fundamentally experiential? Will dealing with my past solve my problem? Is my problem fundamentally biological? Will helping me achieve chemical balance solve my problem? Or is there something beneath all these things that is more deeply wrong with me? Scripture’s answer to this last question is a clear, resounding, “Yes!”[1]Paul D. Tripp, Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands: People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R, 2002), 9.

And of course our problem is sin—sins done by us, done to us, and the effects of sin in our world. We are sinners and sufferers.

But what I love about this quote is how he addresses several popular models of counsel. Some think you just need the right information to change. If you just know certain things, you will be different. This is how our world thinks about the sin of racism. Just know that our differences are really only skin deep and you will treat that other person with kindness. And certainly information can help. There is no virtue in ignorance.

But racism is sin so just more information isn’t enough to change us. That actually diminishes our need of Jesus. We have to be changed by Him.

Or is your problem your past? Well biblical counselors believe that the past can influence your present. We’re not robots going through life unaffected by what we’ve experienced. We just don’t believe that Freud was right in putting all the emphasis on your past. That’s not where the action is according to Scripture. The action—why you do what you do—is in the heart (Mk 7:14-23).

Or is your problem medical? Do you struggle with life because your brain is wired wrong and needs some chemical intervention? Whether that’s helpful or not is a question for another blog, but that’s not your fundamental problem. Biology cannot make you sin. If it could, then why did Jesus need to die for you?

All of those (ignorance, experience, biology) are actually outside influences on your soul. They can influence you, but they cannot control your response of right or wrong. They can make obedience harder, but they don’t make it impossible.

Just like my hunger doesn’t make kindness impossible. It’s important that we realize our fundamental problem is sin. When we do, the gospel becomes more and more precious to us.

References

References
↑1 Paul D. Tripp, Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands: People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R, 2002), 9.
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Just Smile More

I was greeted in the dining hall line that day at Bible College by a friend who was smiling big. That was notable because she wasn’t really known for her smile. That’s not a criticism. Some people, like my wife, have a beautiful, sparkling smile that they share with everybody. [That’s her in this blog.] Others are more like me—I have to think about smiling. My resting face is a scowl. This friend’s smile was between my wife’s smile and my own. Maybe the reason we were friends is because we shared similar senses of cynicism and sarcasm.

But she was smiling brightly and told me why. “A friend told me that I needed to smile more and be happier and so I am.” I probably said something like, “Oh, sounds good” and we got our food. On the inside I might have been thinking, “good luck with that.”

I’ve thought about that simple exchange over 30 years ago just recently. Some Christians—I am one of them—have the tendency to mistakenly believe we can change ourselves with just the right amount of willpower. Not smiling enough? Just work at smiling more. Spending too much time on social media? Just stop it. You can do it. Struggling with pornography? You don’t need to tell anyone. You can defeat this on your own. And wouldn’t that be better than admitting your sin to a friend and asking for help?

We do need to put effort into our growth. The New Testament is clear on that.

Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure. Phil 2:12–13 (ESV)

Work out your salvation means to put effort into your growth; to work hard at change. But it’s always God’s work in you that actually results in your work making you more like Christ. 

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me. 1 Cor 15:10 (ESV)

Paul gives us a grace sandwich. It was God’s grace—but he worked harder than anyone—but it was the grace of God. The lazy Christian is not a growing Christian. We have to work.

But you have never changed yourself. It is always the Spirit through Scripture that changes you. So if you’re struggling with a besetting sin, it’s better for you to pray more than to work more. Prayer shows dependence upon God. Of course you need to do both: pray and work. But it’s God’s work that makes your work effective. We don’t even want to change (Phil 2:13) unless God changes us. He has to give us even the desire to change (“to will and to work”).

Why is this so important? Why write a blog on a smile from 30 years ago? Because this view of sanctification emphasizes me and my work, not God and his work. It’s a gospel problem because the gospel doesn’t go far enough. It gives me a future, but I don’t really need it right now. I’m able, through my own willpower, to change myself. Not very happy; decide to be happy and presto, I smile more.

You and I need the gospel for our salvation, but also our sanctification. Your salvation should work out in your sanctification. The gospel changes you (2 Cor 5:17) and keeps changing you. Are you stuck? Don’t put on a big smile. Work hard and ask God to make your work effective.

I’ve written on imitations of biblical growth that aren’t real growth here.

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Encouraging Metrics of Spiritual Growth

One of the most glorious experiences as a parent is when you see your infant has discovered they have fingers. I saw that with at least one of my children and it’s just a fun, fascinating time. It’s the type of event that I wish I had recorded because it would be something I watch over and over. I recall the story of one parent that became concerned because her child hadn’t discovered his fingers yet, so she tied yarn to his wrists to help him find his hands. She later laughed at herself for this, and I can see why. I’ve never met an 18-year-old that doesn’t know he has fingers. 😉 They all discover that even if it takes some longer than others.

We can get concerned when our children don’t hit the developmental milestones right on time, and in some cases, that’s a cause for concern. But mostly we know that physical growth takes time. It’s not all or nothing. My one-year-old didn’t mow the lawn, and I didn’t expect him to. I just expected him to grow at more or less the normal rate, and I was encouraged with every small step of growth even though he wasn’t very useful around the house for a long time. It’s okay. Growth takes time.

In my ministry I’ve seen Christians that are discouraged at the pace of growth in their lives. They want to be done with their sin once and for all, but they keep struggling. They want to never struggle with sin again, and they look at spiritual growth as all or nothing. So they think If I struggle with this besetting sin at all, I’ve not grown at all. But that’s not really what growth looks like with most sins. Obviously you don’t wean yourself off of adultery, and you can’t excuse any episode of domestic violence. Those are two sins that have to stop completely, and they can. But for most common sins—besetting sins—growth is there, but it’s not complete absence of the sin. Growth is slow and hard—that’s why it’s called progressive sanctification.

Anger or worry are what I’ve used most to illustrate this encouraging metric, but you can think of covetousness, gossip, sinful sarcasm, discontentment, pornography, and many other sins. Let’s use worry.

So you’re a Christian that gives in to the temptation to worry and you know that’s sin. What does growth look like?

  • Less Severe Episodes of Worry

So you still worry, but it doesn’t keep you up all night. Or it doesn’t make you sick. You still worry too much, but your sin isn’t as debilitating as it once was. That’s growth. That’s improvement.

  • Fewer Episodes of Worry

Worry used to be a constant in your life. There were few waking hours when you weren’t worried about something. Now you can see times of peace and trust in God. You can now count episodes of worry where it used to be an unbroken constant. That’s growth.

  • Longer Distance Between Episodes of Worry

As you grow you, begin to see some daylight between the dark clouds of worry that seemed to dominate your life. Now you can have hours and even days between episodes of worry. You’re still worrying, but this is growth.

  • Shorter Episodes of Worry

Not only is your sinful worry less severe but each episode is shorter. You are applying truth more quickly and righting your soul faster. This is growth.

  • Quicker Confession and Repentance of Worry

Previously maybe you didn’t even confess because you didn’t think it was sin. You thought worry was just something that came over you because of your circumstances. Or you imagined that your personality made you worry. Now, you see it as sin, and while you might be more susceptible to that temptation because of outside influences (e.g., past experiences, family, personality), you don’t excuse it. You realize the truth of Mark 7:20-23 that when you are squeezed, what comes out of you comes from you—your heart. You more quickly get to confession and repentance. This is growth.

  • Increasing Occasions When You Don’t Worry at All

You faced five situations this past week where you would normally worry, but you only worried on four of them. That’s victory! That’s growth! You actually had an occasion when you would have normally worried, but you didn’t have any worry in your heart. This is good. And those occasions increase. You have more and more times when you don’t worry now like you would have before.

This is what God’s grace to change looks like.

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit. 2 Cor 3:18 (ESV)

“From one degree of glory to another” means from one degree of growth to another. It’s progressive. It takes time. It does happen slowly and even that slow growth as described above should be encouraging to you.

You can apply this to other besetting sins like anger, covetousness, and with a few adaptations, even viewing pornography.  

Any consumption of porn is sin just like any worry is sin (Phil 4:6). But is the only way to measure growth the complete absence of worry? Or the complete absence of porn? We should never be satisfied until porn is completely eradicated in a counselee’s life, but growth is measured before that. If you have an all-or-nothing perspective on growth, you will be more discouraged than encouraged. Maybe you’re not as defeated as you think you are. Maybe spiritual fruit is actually growing in your life even if it’s not what it should be yet. Notice the fruit and be encouraged. Press on.

We can be dissatisfied with our present growth AND encouraged at the same time. We are always reaching for more, but we simultaneously look back and see evidence of the Spirit’s work too. Any step in the right direction is enabled by the Spirit—and we praise him for it.

For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. Romans 8:13 (ESV)

Growth takes time, but there are evidences of growth long before your growth is complete. Rejoice in God’s gracious, slow, but inevitable work in you. Maybe this is exactly what you need today… or what a friend needs.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Phil 1:6 (ESV)
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Burn Your Resume

A few years ago I did several workshops and a general session at an educator’s convention, and about a month later I got my evaluation back. This convention does its speakers a service by having all attenders fill out evaluations of each workshop they attended. The first number I saw was the group average evaluation for the entire convention and then I saw that mine was lower than the average. I had a response that might surprise you. I laughed. Not because I thought the evaluation was wrong. These are teachers after all, and I think they know good teaching. But I laughed because after I saw the group average for speakers I just assumed my number would be above average. With all the other speakers there, I knew I would be a cut above. I wasn’t. Oh, and they’ve not asked me back either. 😉

Ed Welch in his book, A Small Book About Why We Hide, has a short chapter titled “Resumes Set Afire”. He’s not talking about our actual resumes, the list of education and employers you’ve accrued over the years. No, it’s the resume that we think defines us, where we think we shine. Those things that we think we do better than others that set us apart.

He asks several provocative questions in encouraging us to dismantle them. If we toss them out, “Do some hurt more than others?” If that item weren’t true of you, would that hurt? Yes, yes it would. At least that’s my testimony. And then he asks, “What is left when achievements are gone?”

All four of our adult children are pursuing Christ, and Laura and I are very thankful. I know many dads that were more faithful than me where one or more children are an outlier. They are pursuing lifestyles or habitual sins that grieve their parents. I don’t deserve the children I have, and I would struggle if one of them walked away from God. I think godly children are part of my resume that I would find it difficult to part with.

I have a sense of humor that has been a blessing and a curse. I too often want others to think of me as a funny person. I think I outshine others that way. So if that were stripped away, could I be content? Would Christ be enough?

My opening points out that effective preaching and teaching are important to me. If I received no accolades, would Jesus be enough?

My father-in-law died with Alzheimer’s in 2023. He was a hard worker his entire life. He loved physical labor. Towards the end when he didn’t even recognize family, he would almost cry because he didn’t know what to do if he didn’t have a job–if he couldn’t work. Sometimes our resume is stripped from us. You can think you are a good husband and lose your wife to disease. You can believe you are an effective Christian servant and get fired from your ministry. I know some that have. Those things we think help us shine more than others can be taken away by God, and it’s for our good when he does.

It’s better to burn your resume than have it burned. Where are the areas where you think you shine? Is Christ enough if you’re not a good athlete, a master gamer, a serving spouse, an engaging host, an accomplished investor, a good student, a loving baby Mom, a skilled mechanic, a successful fisherman, or a popular teen? Is it enough that you have Christ?

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:21 (ESV)
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Should I Pause a Difficult Conversation with My Spouse?

I’ve been asked this question, and I suppose some might say the obvious answer is yes, and that’s often true. A pause can allow both spouses to collect their thoughts. It can be a useful tool to prevent further sinning in a conversation. If we’re not finding a solution, it can give us time to brainstorm other ideas. Those are all good uses of a conversational pause.

But we are sinners and certain dynamics in some marriages make this a more complicated question. A hypothetical Christian couple can do this. However, an actual Christian couple brings their conversational history into it, so they may not be able to do it.

Our sin is so deceptive. We can justify it at times as if it’s actually godliness. So we pause a conversation ostensibly to help us both get control of our emotions and keep from sinning against each other, but maybe it’s actually a way of exiting a difficult conversation when I’m not getting the agreement I want. So I’m claiming the pause is to edify, but it’s actually to control.

Let’s talk about some dangers first.

Dangers:

  • You pause so that you can prove to be the better person.

It’s not your struggle; it’s hers. Beware of anything that puts you in the place of the superior person. Beware of how subtle pride can be. Pride is the sin we are most blind to (1 Cor 10:12; Rev 3:17).

  • It could be a way of controlling the discussion and your spouse.

If you’re the one predominantly calling for the timeouts, it puts you in the driver’s seat. You are controlling if, when, and how you talk about difficult topics. You are a conversational dictator.

  • It can be a way of preventing your spouse from disagreeing with you and/or speaking freely to you.

Any time the conversation gets too personal, or gets too close to your sin, you put a halt to it. You might claim that your spouse is getting upset and it’s for her good. It becomes a conversational weapon rather than a tool to edify.

If you honestly think through your motivations (maybe asking your spouse for her input), and these dangers don’t apply, then consider how best to institute a pause.

Guidelines for Pausing Conversations:

These are just practical tips. I hope they are a help.

  • It’s understood to be an unusual activity. It cannot be a regular discussion tool.

If you cannot get through a difficult conversation with your spouse without pausing, then you probably need the assistance of a wise mentor, pastor, or biblical counselor. Habitually pulling this card will likely be seen as condescending or controlling. You’re ending conversations when you sense sin in your spouse. It’s very convenient because it also allows you to avoid difficult topics that might expose your heart (Mt 15:18; Mk 7:20-23).

  • The process is described beforehand and agreed to by both.

For example, I will raise my hand when I think we might need to pause. The other person talking will stop and give me a chance to explain why I want a pause. If the non-pausing spouse has sinned, they will admit and ask forgiveness.

I’m not necessarily suggesting these; but you need some guidelines for how to pause.

  • No pausing to avoid disagreement. That’s not a reason to pause.

 Just because you don’t like the topic or it is an area of regular disagreement in your marriage, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about it. Those are the types of conversations that spiritually mature couples should be able to have.

  • The person sinning ultimately calls the timeout. Not the person sinned against. And especially not the person presuming the other will sin before they’ve sinned.

If you are consistently pausing when you notice sin in your spouse, it will appear condescending and it probably is. It’s as if you are saying, “I have the discernment to see where you are headed; you don’t. I’m level-headed and you are emotional and headed towards anger.” So you  cut her off before she sins. It’s better for the sinning spouse to call for a pause to avoid further sin.

  • You have to be willing to have difficult conversations with heightened emotions. Your spouse must know that you will let her disagree.

I’m not saying that yelling and name calling are acceptable in a conversation with your spouse. They never are. I am saying that just because one or both of you is passionate/emotional is not a reason to stop talking. You’re different personalities. One of you might get more passionate, but passion alone doesn’t mean we are sinning in how we speak. Follow through as long as it is heading towards a solution.

We have to talk to solve problems. It’s not an option to sweep stuff under the rug. We cannot pretend problems don’t exist. And we must not use pausing a conversation to avoid difficult topics. A pause can be a helpful, occasional tool if we’re honestly trying to edify each other.