Category: Counseling

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A One-Word Summary of Marriage

Which word would you choose as the most important in marriage?

A few months ago a young couple in our church that was on the cusp of engagement asked me what one word is most important in marriage. They had been asking other older Christian couples to summarize what was necessary in a Christian marriage in a single word. I honestly don’t remember what I told them, and it’s really hard to list one word as more important than others in a Christian marriage. However, I know what I would say now. My answer would be forgiveness.

My parents got saved as adults—they didn’t grow up in Christian families. They learned about forgiveness and insisted my older brother and I forgive each other. They were rather rigid in their understanding of it, and compelled us to say “I was wrong; will you forgive me?” I’ve heard those described as the seven hardest words to say in the English language. I didn’t always like doing it, but I did learn how to get right with someone I had sinned against. That was a blessing.

When I sinned against roommates, classmates, and friends while attending Bible College, I asked their forgiveness in the rather wooden, but clear method I had been taught by my parents. (I’m grateful for the clear, direct way my parents taught me to seek forgiveness. An ambiguous confession makes it harder to forgive.) Sometimes these other Christian kids would play it off as no big deal. In some I could see a surprised look on their faces. They had never been asked to forgive someone, and they didn’t know what to do when someone did. I thought that was in the DNA of every Christian family, but I found out it wasn’t.

In the first few years of our marriage, my wife would insist we get right with each other before the day ended. Sadly, I could sleep being unreconciled, but my wife couldn’t. She really believed the words of Eph 4:26.

Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger…. (Eph 4:26 NASB95)

Even though my parents taught me better, I stubbornly refused sometimes to admit my sin and seek Laura’s forgiveness. But God was gracious, and I was convicted of my sin. Both humbly seeking forgiveness and graciously offering it are important. Some say the words, but don’t mean them. I believe the Bible teaches that forgiveness is a three-fold promise not to bring it up to their face, not to bring it up behind their back, and not to dwell on it. That last promise, when kept, prevents bitterness and promotes sweet reconciliation.

Laura and I developed the good habit of dealing with today’s sin, today. It became a norm in our family to seek forgiveness and to forgive both with each other and with our kids. It’s a bit humbling to ask your four-year-old son for his forgiveness or your 16-year-old daughter, but it’s obedience to God.

This isn’t a magic word in marriage. There are many good words you could defend as important in a Christian marriage, but nothing has had a greater impact on my relationships with my wife and my kids than forgiveness. It’s rare that Laura and I don’t get right before going to bed on days when we sin against each other. I’m thankful for a wife that is committed to forgiveness. She’s had to forgive me a lot. It’s been pretty one-sided in our relationship. Some who hear that and don’t know us might think that’s false humility. But if you know us, you know that I’m the one that tends to be irritable and cranky and… sinful. Laura is the kind one in the relationship. God has grown me a ton, but I still sin against her more than she does against me. So she forgives really well—maybe because I give her so much practice. 😉

Forgiveness can be the grease that makes a marriage work smoothly. It lessens the rough patches. And it makes a difference even if only one of you is committed to forgiveness. I hope you forgive well. After all, we have a great pattern in God’s forgiveness of us (Eph 4:32; Mt 18:23-35).

I’ve written other thoughts on forgiveness here, here, here and here.

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No Reason to Hide

I broke a windshield when I was a child. Spider-webbed it actually. My friend and I lived on a side street off of a busy street in Green Bay, WI. I think I was 5 and he was 4. We were really young, and this was a time when parents let their children wander around the neighborhood. So my friend told me that you can throw a rock at a car. He claimed he had done it, and nothing had happened. Remember, he’s 4 and I’m 5.

So I grabbed a stone from the curb and timed my throw as a car was coming. They traveled about 30-35 miles an hour on this street. I wish we had a video of it. It was my first time throwing rocks at a car, but it landed like I’d been doing it all my life. It was a beautiful arcing throw that landed right on the front windshield of this car. Immediately the windshield had a spider web of cracks all over it. By the way, since then I’ve come to the conclusion that my 4-year-old friend had never actually thrown a rock at a car. At least he hadn’t hit one. He was just a 4-year-old big talker—you know the type. 😉

So I hit the car. Guess what my friend and I did then? We didn’t stay to admire our work—my work really. We took off running. Again we were four and five, so we weren’t setting any speed records. His house was the second one on the block and mine was the fourth, so I left him in my dust pretty quickly.

It occurred to my little 5-year-old brain that I probably shouldn’t actually go home. I ran behind my house and then hid in the neighbor’s backyard behind a bush.

My friend was seen going to his house so the victim of my crime stopped and talked to his parents. They confronted their son, and he pointed the finger at me. The little weasel… I’m kidding.

So the victim drove two more doors down and talked to my Dad. Mind you, all of this was going on without me knowing since I was hiding. Apparently my Dad told him he would pay for his windshield. I wasn’t at home, so he couldn’t talk to me. My Dad essentially issued an All Points Bulletin for me in the neighborhood. I just remember the neighborhood bully found me and dragged me home. Never liked that kid. Again, kidding. He was right to find me.

That true story illustrates the sinful reflex that all of us have. While I was running, I made the decision to hide. I’m only 5 years old. Who taught me that? No one. Or maybe we could say Adam and Eve did. Genesis 3 records their response to their sin in the Garden of Eden. They weren’t 5 years old like I was, but they actually hid in the bushes too—just like me. While I was hiding from my Dad who maybe wouldn’t have been able to find me without help, Adam and Eve were hiding from the God of the universe who never didn’t know where they were.

We like to hide, but it’s better if we come out into the light. God wants you to be characterized by an honest admission of sin in your life. If like most you’ve been hiding and pretending, it’s stunted your spiritual growth. We have to get honest about who we are. You need to become a terrible hider. You need to get worse at it. Do you want intimacy with God? Do you want to have real, deep human friendships? Wouldn’t you like that with your spouse? The only way to be known like that, to have fellowship, is to live in the light.

The Genesis 3 person needs to become the 1 John 1 person. That’s where we learn to walk in the light, to confess sin, to claim Christ’s intercession for us. How do we become more like 1 John 1 than Genesis 3? How do those hiding in the dark start walking in the light? Humble confession.

You don’t have to hide anymore. You can walk in the light. You can confess sin. You know why? Because you have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous (1 John 2:1). Jesus knows your sin and intercedes for you. Why are you pretending you’re someone you’re not when Jesus already knows and already intercedes for you? This promise should be the death knell to our hiding. We have an Advocate! His intercession is always successful. Quit pretending. Come out into the light.

Think about this: when you and I hide and pretend, when we cover our sin, we make a mockery of the gospel. We live as if our situation wasn’t that desperate; as if we really didn’t need Christ’s sacrifice. As if we really don’t need Christ’s intercession. But when we have a realistic view of our sin, we are continually marveling at God’s grace through Christ’s death. We see our desperate struggle with sin and we know that only Christ’s death could make us righteous before God. Maybe you’re not that impressed with the Gospel because you’re not that aware of your sin.

You must live in the light. Saved people admit their sin. You don’t need to hide.

(I preached 1 John 1:5-2:2 in three sermons that you can find on First Baptist’s YouTube channel–March 29, 2026; April 12, 2026; April 19, 2026.)

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Why Can’t I Throw Away this Stick?

Nostalgia as Idolatry

Somedays I wish I were more like my youngest son. He seems ruthlessly pragmatic about his possessions. If it’s not helpful… if he doesn’t need it anymore, he gets rid of it. Frankly, it bothers me sometimes. He has thrown away old sports uniforms and Ts from running races. When he graduated from the Air Force Academy, I asked that he give us his Parade Dress uniform since he would probably have chucked it. He was planning to give it to us because he knew Laura and I would want it, but if we didn’t… it would have been in a dumpster at USAFA. (His Parade Pants did end up in the dumpster.)

Maybe he gets it from my wife. Every time we’ve made a ministry move, she has used that to downsize, and I’m thankful for that. I’ve occasionally had to protect some items from her trashing—like a blanket celebrating my sports team’s Super Bowl win! How dare she even consider that! 😉 But mostly I’m thankful that we don’t have a garage full of stuff that we don’t need or use.

I’m not like them. I’m very sentimental. I attach emotional meaning and feeling to objects. I’m nostalgic. Those items represent happy times to me. I have a twig on my shelf that my son (the same son!) carved for me when he was probably 7. He’s 26 now. It’s actually not very good. All he did was sharpen both ends and put some scratch marks on it. And I’ve put it on a bookshelf in three offices I’ve had over the years. I cannot throw it away.

This stick has traveled a thousand miles!

When we vacationed with our kids, we took pictures at state signs and National Park signs. My kids endured that—especially the state signs. Why? Because I’m sentimental. I wanted to remember the good times. We took so many that some we took twice because I didn’t remember we’d already gotten that state sign.

Sentimentality, nostalgia, is not necessarily wrong. I’m glad that I remember fun times with my kids as they were growing up. But I think there can be some problems with being too nostalgic. It can drift into sin.

We remember things as better than they were. I guess that’s a blessing from God that our minds tend to sanitize our memories (one of my seminary professors stated it that way). We remember our family as being happier and our growing up years as being less sinful than they were. But even in the best of families, sin intrudes.

How is this sin? Well, it can be an evidence of pride. I don’t need to change. My family doesn’t need to change. My church doesn’t need to change because everything is great the way it is.

Don’t some churches do this? All the best times are in the past. Every little change (two services, how a classroom is used, what stuff is on the platform, when the offering is taken, and etc.). All of those can trigger people wishing things were the way they used to be. Church members can have an emotional attachment with the way things were. It might be why change is so difficult for some. They just want things to stay the way they were. But maybe you remember them as better than they were. Maybe you need to be uncomfortable for your church to grow.

We neglect enjoying the present OR We are discontented with the present. If I’m always remembering the “good old days,” these present days don’t seem to measure up. I miss out on what God is doing right now. I miss out on how he has showered his grace on me at this moment. It’s an idolatry of the past. I am wired to be very sentimental. I guess you could say that’s a form of gratefulness for the past, but it’s really idolatry of the past. It often means a longing for the past and a discontent in the present. Real gratefulness for life is probably more present tense than past tense.

When my oldest daughter graduated from University, we took dozens of pictures–it seemed every permutation of people possible. After her gown was turned in and on our one thousand mile drive back home, we realized we had not gotten a picture of her with her Mom and me–her parents! My daughter and I cried, yes cried, on the way home. My wife said, “What are you crying about? The entire family is together.” She was content; I was not.

Remembering should lead to gratefulness, not discontent. It did for the Psalmist. 

I shall remember the deeds of the Lord; I will certainly remember Your wonders of old. I will meditate on all Your work, And on Your deeds with thanksgiving. Ps 77:11-12

And it’s one reason why we remember Christ’s sacrifice in the Lord’s Supper.

...and when He had given thanks, He broke it and said, “This is My body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of Me.” 1 Cor 11:24

We get our eyes off Christ. This is the big problem.

Brothers and sisters, I do not regard myself as having taken hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead.... Phil 3:13

Certainly the Apostle Paul forgot past suffering and sin (3:8-10), but he also forgot his past heritage and accomplishments (3:4-7). He forgot the so-called good times so that he could gain Christ. He was running a race; he didn’t have time to look back.

If nostalgia makes me thankful for every perfect gift from God (Jam 1:17), then it’s helpful. If, however, it makes me long for the gift more than the Giver, then it’s taking my eyes off of Christ.

So, Father, help me to be grateful for today. It’s a gift from you. Keep me from idolizing the past. And maybe help me become more like my son and love your Son more.

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Is Forgiveness Conditional or Unconditional?

Or a Case for Attitudinal Forgiveness

A friend asked me a question about forgiveness and while I’ve blogged on this before, I wanted to take another run at this question. I have no illusions that this will put this question to bed, but I hope it is faithful to the Bible and gives some truth to consider. There are good Christians that disagree on this very issue. 

So the question is, if God’s forgiveness is our pattern (Eph 4:32), is His forgiveness unconditional? And the clear answer is no. Jesus doesn’t save everybody; only those that repent. So if that’s the pattern, then should my forgiveness of others also be conditional? Should I expect repentance before I forgive them?

We can put this in the form of a syllogism.

•          Major Premise: We are to forgive as God forgave us. 
•          Minor Premise: God only forgives those that repent.
•          Conclusion: We only forgive those that repent.

That’s the set up for the question, but there are other passages that can make us lean one way or the other. For example, there are incidents in Scripture that would indicate forgiveness is unconditional.

Acts 7:60 (NASB95) Then falling on his knees, he cried out with a loud voice, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them!” Having said this, he fell asleep. 

If their sin is not held against them, then they are forgiven. That’s what Stephen is requesting.

Luke 6:27–28 (NASB95) “But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 

These are Christ’s words in the Sermon on the Mount. Wouldn’t an enemy receiving this kind of love think his sin has been forgiven by you? What’s the difference between this kind of love and actual forgiveness if there is a difference?

Luke 23:33–34 (NASB95) When they came to the place called The Skull, there they crucified Him and the criminals, one on the right and the other on the left. But Jesus was saying, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.” And they cast lots, dividing up His garments among themselves. 

Jesus on the cross is asking the Father to forgive men who didn’t repent and didn’t request forgiveness.

But there are also passages that indicate forgiveness is conditioned on the other person’s repentance.

Luke 17:3–4 (NASB95) “Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. “And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.” 
“Forgive as Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:13).

Those who understand forgiveness to be conditional normally look at forgiveness as a transaction between two parties. They claim if the person hasn’t asked forgiveness, it would be meaningless to make a promise not to bring it up. The offender never requested that. And they base this on Eph 4:32.

I like what John MacArthur says about Eph 4:32, 

To make conditionality the gist of Christlike forgiving seems to miss the whole point of what Scripture is saying. When Scripture instructs us to forgive in the manner we have been forgiven, what is in view is not the idea of withholding forgiveness until the offender expresses repentance. 
The attitude of the forgiver is where the focus of Scripture lies, not the terms of forgiveness. [1]John MacArthur, The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness (Wheaton: Crossway Books, 1998), 118, 119.

There are more passages that help me lean towards attitudinal forgiveness. 

Matthew 6:12–15 (ESV) and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Our forgiveness from God depends upon us granting forgiveness, and there is no mention of whether the person repented or not. I need to lean towards forgiveness with those that sin against me.

James 2:13 (ESV) For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.

We need to be merciful people. Those that aren’t merciful will receive merciless judgment.

Matthew 18:35 (ESV) So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.” 
Luke 6:36–38 (ESV) Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”

God wants us to be forgiving, merciful people. 

Mark 11:25–26 (NASB95) “Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions. “But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your transgressions.”

Forgive even if they haven’t asked for it. Just have a desire to forgive. There is no mention of confrontation.

So I ride the fence and say forgiveness is conditional and unconditional. The reality is that some forgiveness is offered unilaterally and without conditions, while at other times it is a two-way transaction and is only offered when requested. 

Some Sins Are Confronted in Love

In Luke 17:3 and Matthew 18:15-17 there are specific steps to be followed in confronting the offender and at each step if the person repents, the person is forgiven. The final step for the unrepentant is discipline from the church. This is obviously conditional forgiveness.

But not every offense calls for confronting the offender. The Bible gives us another procedure for handling offenses, and this procedure helps me have a forgiving attitude. 

Some Sins Are Covered in Love 

Proverbs 10:12 (NASB95) Hatred stirs up strife, But love covers all transgressions. 
Proverbs 17:9 (NASB95) He who conceals a transgression seeks love, But he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends. 
1 Peter 4:7–8 (NASB95) The end of all things is near; therefore, be of sound judgment and sober spirit for the purpose of prayer. Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. 

And I believe when 1 Cor 13:5 says love doesn’t keep account of a wrong suffered that’s an example of forgiveness without conditions also.

In other words, some sins you choose to forgive without confronting because of your love. When you do this, you are making the same promise (not to bring it up to them or others and not to dwell on it) even though they are not aware of it.

The word cover (kalupto, καλύπτῶ) in 1 Peter 4:8 means to cover up or to remove from sight (BAG and Liddell & Scott). This is what forgiveness does. Covering sin in 1 Peter 4:8 is the same as forgiveness. We know this because of the definition of the word but also because covering sin is equated with forgiveness in other passages.

Psalm 32:1 (NASB95) How blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, Whose sin is covered! 
Psalm 85:2 (NASB95) You forgave the iniquity of Your people; You covered all their sin. Selah. 
James 5:20 (NASB95) let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins. 

“A lost sheep is saved from destruction and his sins (the sins of the restored one, not the restorer) are covered as if a veil were thrown over them. He can move ahead again on the path toward spiritual maturity.” [2]Walvoord, John F., Roy B. Zuck, and Dallas Theological Seminary. The Bible Knowledge Commentary : An Exposition of the Scriptures. Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1983-c1985.

So if in this situation you are actually forgiving the person, then we know that forgiveness is sometimes unconditional (attitudinal) and not conditional (transactional). We are to be forgiving people. In fact, our forgiveness from God is dependent on our forgiving others (Mark 11:25). In this passage forgive is an imperative. Forgiveness is an issue of obedience; it is a choice. There is no mention of confrontation and repentance in this passage.

I believe forgiveness is both conditional and unconditional or transactional and attitudinal. The Bible says both. Ideally the offender admits his sin and seeks forgiveness. But if he doesn’t, I still love my enemies. I overcome evil with good. I cover his sin with love. What does that look like to the offender? It probably looks like forgiveness, right? [3]There’s great stuff on forgiveness in John MacArthur’s book, The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness, and Chris Braun’s book, Unpacking Forgiveness. Chris Braun says it’s only transactional. An … Continue reading 

References

References
↑1 John MacArthur, The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness (Wheaton: Crossway Books, 1998), 118, 119.
↑2 Walvoord, John F., Roy B. Zuck, and Dallas Theological Seminary. The Bible Knowledge Commentary : An Exposition of the Scriptures. Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1983-c1985.
↑3 There’s great stuff on forgiveness in John MacArthur’s book, The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness, and Chris Braun’s book, Unpacking Forgiveness. Chris Braun says it’s only transactional. An offender that never repents and asks for forgiveness can’t be forgiven. MacArthur says at times it’s attitudinal. You need to cultivate a forgiving spirit towards the offender even if he never admits his sin.
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“I Don’t Deserve This”

How do I know if I am self-righteous? I’m concerned with Christian counselees that are focused on their own good deeds, but don’t realize it. For this blog I’m defining self-righteousness as the belief that I have earned some favor with God through my behavior, character, thoughts, or deeds. So how would I know if I’m self-righteous? What would one symptom be?

There might be a few tests, but one is this: do you believe you don’t deserve your past or present suffering? Let me clarify. I’m not saying that if you were sinned against by another person, that you must agree that you deserved that from them. “Kraig, my friend betrayed me and stabbed me in the back. I didn’t do anything to them. I didn’t deserve that.” Yes, on a human scale—peer-to-peer—there are things that we don’t deserve. That happens all the time. A husband may yell at his family when it’s completely unprovoked. An employer may fire you just because he can and you didn’t deserve that. You could even be accused of a crime and go through the court system when you are not guilty.

But if you look at your past or present trials and believe that you don’t deserve them, then you are probably self-righteous. Here’s why I believe I can say that. In order to think that you don’t deserve what has been providentially brought into your life, you must believe also that you have lived in a way that deserves better from God. You are living by a spiritual formula that says good Christians don’t suffer the way you’re suffering. You’re a good Christian, so God owes you the easy, blessed life. God has disappointed you.

But that’s incorrect. What do each of us deserve because of our sin? We deserve hell. Isn’t anything less than hell—even suffering and trials—better than what we deserve? So God owes you nothing. And God has given you a lot! He’s already given you everything in Christ. You have all spiritual blessings in Christ.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, Eph 1:3 (NASB95)

Any good, and I mean any good thing in your life has come from God.

Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow. Jam 1:17 (NASB95)

So he’s given you a lot of good that you don’t deserve. You cannot plead that you don’t deserve this or that suffering.

Now maybe you object that King David seemed to plead with God in several psalms that he didn’t deserve what he was facing. It does seem that way. But I think we find that David pleads for God’s mercy. Mercy by definition is undeserved.

David pleaded God’s mercy after his adultery with Bathsheba. Of course this is David’s psalm of repentance so he was acknowledging his sin. He knew he didn’t deserve God’s mercy.

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. Psalm 51:1 (ESV)

But we see other examples of David pleading for mercy. David prayed for God’s mercy when he fled from Saul. He didn’t claim that he didn’t deserve this since he was God’s servant and therefore God should change his circumstances. No, he asked God for mercy.

Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by. Psalm 57:1 (ESV)

In Psalm 86 David prays for God’s mercy.

But You, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, Slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness and truth. Turn to me, and be gracious to me; Oh grant Your strength to Your servant, And save the son of Your handmaid. Psalm 86:15–16 (NASB95)

David seems to do both in this psalm: point out he deserves help and also pray for mercy.

Preserve my soul, for I am a godly man; O You my God, save Your servant who trusts in You. Be gracious to me, O Lord, For to You I cry all day long. Psalm 86:2–3 (NASB95)

So David claims he is a godly man, but he also asks God for grace. His godliness didn’t mean he was undeserving of his circumstances. He knew he needed God’s mercy, and he asked for it.

Jeremiah hoped in God’s mercy after describing his own suffering in poetic detail.

This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope. The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. Lam 3:21–23 (NASB95)

Can you ask God to end your trial? Of course you can. But we don’t demand anything from God as if we deserve better than what we’re facing. We cannot make that claim. Thankfully God is abundantly merciful, and it’s his mercy we plead when we pray, not our deserving better circumstances.

So if your regular thought has been how you deserve better than what you’ve experienced, maybe you’re self-righteous. At least consider that you might be. And if so, you should repent of your self-righteousness. It’s better to plead God’s mercy anyway. His compassions fail not Jeremiah tells us. His mercies are renewed every morning. And we can come confidently to him and ask for mercy. Confidently?! Yes, confidently!

Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Heb 4:16 (NASB95)