Category: Counseling

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The Happiest Place on Earth!

Disneyland in California has had the slogan of “The Happiest Place on Earth” for years. I’ve never visited Disneyland, but we took our kids to Disney World twice. The first time was when three were in elementary school, and one was in junior high. If you’ve been to a theme park before, you know that you don’t have to wait very long for a child within hearing distance to have a meltdown. On this particular visit whenever we would hear a child losing it around us, I would lean over and whisper in my wife’s ear, This is the happiest place on earth. I thought it was pretty funny, but my wife didn’t seem to agree.

I think about the theological implications of that slogan once in a while. Disney is selling the perfect circumstances to young parents. Imagine you could take your children to a place where everything is carefully curated, presented, and always exactly right. Wouldn’t your children have the best time possible? Well, every screaming child proves that slogan wrong.

How could you not be happy here? 😉

Turns out better circumstances don’t make a better me. The Bible tells us this.

The Perfect Environment Didn’t Prevent Sin (Gen 3:6)

So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. Gen 3:6 (ESV)

Adam and Eve had the best circumstances ever—far better than anything that Disney can offer—and sin still intruded. So if Adam and Even sinned in the Garden of Eden, then there must be something fundamentally wrong with us—not our environment—that produces sin. And that’s exactly what Scripture teaches.

Your Desires Are Insatiable (Prov 27:20; 30:15-16)

Sheol and Abaddon are never satisfied, and never satisfied are the eyes of man. Prov 27:20 (ESV) The leech has two daughters: Give and Give. Three things are never satisfied; four never say, “Enough”: Sheol, the barren womb, the land never satisfied with water, and the fire that never says, “Enough.” Prov 30:15–16 (ESV)

Our lusts can never be fed enough even when we’re only a few years old. So Disneyland with it’s helpful employees and amazing rides and fun shows cannot satisfy the heart of a five year old—or a 35 year old! All of us want more even after we’ve been given more. What does a child say after opening the last Christmas present? “Is that all?” or “Is there any more?” That child might be more honest about his insatiable desires, but I have them too. “Give and Give” are in my heart; they’re in your counselees’ hearts as well.

What’s Inside of Us Is More Important than What’s Around Us (Mk 7:20-23)

And he said, “What comes out of a person is what defiles him. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.” Mark 7:20, 23 (ESV)

I really want to believe that if my circumstances were different, I would be different. But it’s just not true. What is going on inside of me is more significant than what is happening around me or to me. No circumstance can guarantee my happiness if my heart is wired for more: more lust, more stuff.

This is a very persuasive lie—that better circumstances would make me better. It shows up in the spouse who imagines that being married to a different person would make him different. It is in the heart of the pastor who dreams that a different church would display his Christlikeness so much easier. It is in the heart of the teenager that believes that she would not respond with anger if she had someone else’s parents. It’s a convincing untruth.

It’s easy to believe this about my own heart, but it’s also easy to believe about my counselees. I will hear terrible stories of tragic sin that make me want to rescue this person. And sometimes I think rescue equals fixing their circumstances.[1]Certainly there are some situations that require immediate intervention: abuse, suicidal ideation, potential criminality, etc. In those cases immediate help is getting the oppressed out of those … Continue reading But most often a person’s greatest need is being rescued from their sin. They need help to please Christ in the middle of their circumstances.

The Happiest Place on Earth? Well it can be anywhere that your heart is satisfied with Christ. Daydreaming about changed circumstances won’t lead to happiness. A changed heart can.

As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness; when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness. Psalm 17:15 (ESV)

References

References
↑1 Certainly there are some situations that require immediate intervention: abuse, suicidal ideation, potential criminality, etc. In those cases immediate help is getting the oppressed out of those circumstances.
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Is Separation Appropriate in Cases of Emotional/Verbal Abuse?

One of the most difficult questions I face when counseling an emotionally abused woman is whether or not she should temporarily separate from her husband. More conservative evangelicals are suggesting that abuse counts as abandonment or desertion of the marriage or that it’s a third reason for divorce besides adultery and abandonment, but it’s not a slam dunk debate.[1]Denny Burk and His book, What is the Meaning of Sex? Page 135. Wayne Grudem and a second article specifically including verbal abuse. David Schuman, Russell Moore, and Darby Strickland, Is It Abuse?: … Continue reading All counselors, secular and Christian, recommend separation when physical abuse is alleged, but because of our high view of marriage, it’s a more difficult question for biblical counselors.

Consider two Scripture passages.

Romans 12:18 (ESV) If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Proverbs 22:3 (ESV) The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.

It’s not always possible to live peaceably with someone, and a prudent person gets away from evil. They hide. These verses aren’t specifically on marriage, but they speak to the realities of some marriages. Some wives no matter how hard they try cannot live peaceably with their abuser. He won’t allow it. And in those cases, even if only for verbal assaults, it may be prudent for her to get away from the danger.

Some counselors that work through the difficulty of this question claim that the safety of the victim is more important than maintaining the marriage. Diane Langberg says, “We have misled people with our very narrow, limited interpretation of what God hates. We respond as if God hates the dissolution of a marriage but can tolerate abuse, harshness, manipulation, and threats in a relationship that is meant to look like his relationship to his bride!”[2]Diane Langberg, Redeeming Power: Understanding Authority and Abuse in the Church (Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos Press, 2020), 95. Darby Strickland, “The Littlest Victims” CCEF National Conference … Continue reading Is the sanctity of marriage more important to you than the safety of the wife and children?[3]Al Miles, Domestic Violence: What Every Pastor Needs to Know (Minneapolis, MN: Fortress Press, 2000), 68.

I don’t believe advocating divorce in these circumstances is what a biblical counselor should do, but a temporary separation can be helpful. John Piper says, “Let me say at the outset that I am aware—painfully aware—that there are sins that spouses commit against each other that can push forbearance and forgiveness across the line into the assisting of sin and may even warrant a redemptive separation—I choose the words carefully: a redemptive separation.”[4] John Piper, This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2009), 53.

But, it’s not a simple decision especially when considering emotional abuse where no physical or sexual abuse has been alleged. However, verbal abuse can be as destructive as physical abuse. Bethlehem Baptist has developed a statement on domestic abuse that sees an equivalence between four types of abuse:

We, the council of elders at Bethlehem Baptist Church, are resolved to root out all forms of domestic abuse (mental, emotional, physical, and sexual) in our midst. This destructive way of relating to a spouse is a satanic distortion of Christ-like male leadership because it defaces the depiction of Christ’s love for his bride. The shepherds of Bethlehem stand at the ready to protect the abused, call abusers to repentance, discipline the unrepentant, and hold up high the stunning picture of how much Christ loves his church.[5]Jason Meyer, “Fooled by False Leadership,” Bethlehem Baptist Church, April 25/26, 2015

More Christians are recognizing the devastation that verbal/emotional abuse cause. They recognize that sometimes it’s necessary for the victim to get away from the perpetrator. Indeed, it may be the prudent decision.

John 2:24 (ESV) But Jesus on his part did not entrust himself to them, because he knew all people

Jesus has done miracles in Jerusalem during the Passover, and some have believed in His name (2:23). Not saving faith, but some type of belief in his healing powers. But Jesus doesn’t entrust himself to them. As D.A. Carson says, “Unlike other religious leaders, he cannot be duped by flattery, enticed by praise or caught off-guard in innocence.”[6]D.A. Carson, The Gospel According to John (Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 1991), 184. So Jesus doesn’t give the benefit of the doubt when he knows that is misplaced. Jesus doesn’t put himself in their care. Brad Hambrick says of this verse, “Jesus was exceedingly gracious but no doormat.”[7]Brad Hambrick, Making Sense of Forgiveness: Moving from Hurt toward Hope (Greensboro, NC: New Growth Press, 2021), 18. By telling women to go back to their abusive husband, are we encouraging them to be doormats for further abuse?

In an article specifically addressing verbal abuse Leslie Vernick, a Christian counselor, says,

Why would we advise a woman or man who is being emotionally abused that he or she must stay in their marriage because being pummeled by words is not serious enough to justify a biblical separation? If this same person were being regularly pummeled by fists or stabbed by their spouse, most pastors and church leaders would not only allow for biblical separation, they’d advise it.[8]Leslie Vernick, “Is Emotional Abuse Ever Grounds for Biblical Separation?,” accessed April 7, 2015, www.leslievernick.com.

Separation is a no-brainer when talking about the physically or sexually violent spouse; I think most, if not all, pastors would agree. However, many pastors would not encourage a temporary separation for verbal abuse like I’m suggesting. One reason might be that they really don’t think verbal abuse is all that serious or that it’s as destructive to the husband-wife relationship as it really is. However, it really is devastating to a wife. Many victims claim that verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse. Physical bruises heal, but verbal wounds last a lot longer.

I believe that a temporary separation in cases of verbal abuse can be a wise, prudent, and biblical action. And I believe it has at least two benefits.

It Can Help the Abuser See His Sin.

It seems to take some extreme event before an abuser wakes up and realizes how awful his sin is. For physical abuse or sexual abuse that event could include arrest (legal consequences can wake him up). For emotional abuse that event could be church discipline and/or separation (often the wife walking out is what drives the abuser to seek help).

The husband’s response to separation is typically surprise because he sees separation as going from 0 to 60 in three seconds. “How did we end up at a temporary separation?” he says. “It seems so sudden.” But that’s because at 10, 20, 30, 40, and 50 miles per hour he wasn’t paying attention. He never understood how damaged his marriage was. He always thought his wife was overplaying it. He is characteristically blind, and when separation is the obvious next step to protect her and wake him up, he thinks it’s the first step. That’s because he hasn’t been paying attention to all the other steps.

The fog of a verbal abuser’s sin is so thick that it seems a dramatic step is needed to clear it away. Verbally abusive Christian husbands often don’t get serious about their sin—in fact they don’t even see it—until their wives leave the home for a period of time. Until then the husband goes through the motions of getting help and participating in counseling, but he really believes that his sin isn’t that bad and his wife is more at fault.  

Leslie Vernick says, “At other times, separation may be implemented as a severe consequence for certain sinful behavior. As a Christian counselor I do not say this lightly. Yet at times this is the only gift of love that convinces a spouse to consider his or her destructive behaviors seriously.”[9]Leslie Vernick, How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong (Colorado Springs, CO: Waterbrook Press, 2001), 178.

It Can Help the Victim Exit a Fog of Confusion.

A wife that is so confused she cannot make decisions or cannot understand truth is often indicative of emotional abuse. An abuser gaslights his wife so that the victim is in a state of confusion, and he controls and keeps her from family and friends. Her world gets shrunk down to just her husband.

The victim’s confusion is frustrating to those around her, including you as a friend or counselor. You will point her to God’s Word, but she will seem to be in a fog. Even the most sensible suggestions will be difficult for her to process. She cannot seem to make the most basic decision for her safety. It’s pretty amazing how long term abuse can disorient a woman.

Separation can help lift this fog. You can actually see pretty significant improvement in her understanding and decision-making when she no longer is under his verbal assaults.

I pray God gives you wisdom if you are experiencing verbal abuse (I’ve written on it here and here). But I especially hope that if you are helping someone that is being emotionally abused, you at least consider the help a temporary separation could offer. It’s easier to send her back to her abuser, but she’s the one that has to live there. Are you really expecting her to endure it?[10]Brad Hambrick has an excellent blog where while talking about a safety plan, he defines the types of separation.

References

References
↑1 Denny Burk and His book, What is the Meaning of Sex? Page 135. Wayne Grudem and a second article specifically including verbal abuse. David Schuman, Russell Moore, and Darby Strickland, Is It Abuse?: A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R, 2020), 41.
↑2 Diane Langberg, Redeeming Power: Understanding Authority and Abuse in the Church (Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos Press, 2020), 95. Darby Strickland, “The Littlest Victims” CCEF National Conference 2019, Friday, October 11, 2019. And Darby A. Strickland, Is It Abuse?: A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R, 2020), 127.
↑3 Al Miles, Domestic Violence: What Every Pastor Needs to Know (Minneapolis, MN: Fortress Press, 2000), 68.
↑4 John Piper, This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2009), 53.
↑5 Jason Meyer, “Fooled by False Leadership,” Bethlehem Baptist Church, April 25/26, 2015
↑6 D.A. Carson, The Gospel According to John (Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 1991), 184.
↑7 Brad Hambrick, Making Sense of Forgiveness: Moving from Hurt toward Hope (Greensboro, NC: New Growth Press, 2021), 18.
↑8 Leslie Vernick, “Is Emotional Abuse Ever Grounds for Biblical Separation?,” accessed April 7, 2015, www.leslievernick.com.
↑9 Leslie Vernick, How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong (Colorado Springs, CO: Waterbrook Press, 2001), 178.
↑10 Brad Hambrick has an excellent blog where while talking about a safety plan, he defines the types of separation.
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Decaeuxarista [Deca-eucharista] 2023—Ten Thanks?!

A boss of mine in college memorably said, “Never squelch praise.” Since 2009 I have compiled an annual list of 10 reasons I’m thankful for each member of my family. I think it began as a project I might assign to certain counselees to help them grow in gratefulness for people around them that they struggled with. When I started doing it in this format (2009), my children were 8 to 14 years old. They are all adults now, and they still look forward to my sharing it with them. It’s similar to a family practice we do for every family birthday–we each share why we appreciate this person. We lately have added telling a fun story about the birthday person too. These are just some ways to keep from squelching praise.

I call this my Decaeuxarista–I’m not a Greek scholar, but it’s my attempt at making up a word that means Ten Thanks (and my kids know it by this made-up name. They expect it around Christmas). It’s good for me to intentionally think about why I’m grateful for each family member. This is the list I shared with them this year. May this list encourage you to edify your family members too.

Laura [1]I’ve included my wife’s name, but not my kids’ names.

  1. I probably often start with some variation on the theme of you being so kind or easy to like. It’s because it’s the trait that I experience most often. Your kindness often softens the prickly parts of my personality—or should I just say my prickly personality—no parts to it; it’s all prickly. (Thanks for the cactus by the way.) But next to you even I appear at times to be likable. Your kindness rubs off on me.
  2. I’m thankful for how committed you are to our marriage. We celebrated our 30th this year, and you have always been faithful and trustworthy. I’ve never doubted that you loved me. That’s given us security in our relationship. Some of our acquaintances have marriages that have been a struggle or have even dissolved. You have fought for our marriage.
  3. You enjoy it when your kids and I gang up on you in a humorous way to joke about some of the funny things you say and do. Some people cannot be teased, but you actually often enjoy it.
  4. I really appreciate your sense of humor. We were at the Laramie Jubilee Days Parade and you yelled at your nieces as they marched with a banner, “You guys are awesome!” in that funny, overly enthusiastic voice you use sometimes. It makes me laugh. You give me some funny comebacks at times and make me laugh. Sometimes, you know this, you whisper a joke to me and I steal it by making it public.
  5. You love your kids well. From your thoughtful gifts that you gather throughout the year for stocking stuffers, Christmas and birthday gifts, to your kindness in person with them, to your joy every time they call. You also speak biblical truth to them as they need it. You challenge me to love our kids better.
  6. #3 was right when he said on your birthday that you soften me. I have become more gracious and kind through your influence. God’s Spirit has used you to help me grow that way.
  7. You love me well. It’s probably selfish for me to mention this as something I appreciate about you, but it’s true. You know when I’m down, and you make extra time for me. You are quick to rub my hand or just be with me since you know I enjoy time with you. You are thoughtful in how you spend your time when we’re home together. Even if you have stuff to do, you think about how we can be together while you do it. I am a well-loved husband.
  8. I appreciate your spiritual courage. You flew out and spent 10 days with your Dad when your family needed help. You loved him so well even when he was opposing you because of his Alzheimer’s. You were gracious and kind and firm even though he misunderstood.
  9. You challenge yourself to grow. Taking Expository Teaching is an example of this. You could have just audited it, and it would have been so much easier. After all, you’re not working towards a degree anyway. But you wanted to get better at speaking, to understand God’s Word and have confidence when you teach. It was a lot of work. You accepted the Assistant Dean of Women position knowing it would stretch you. You’re not afraid of that. You work for growth in your spiritual life and in your ministry abilities.
  10. I know it was hard for you, but I’ve really appreciated how you have related to your dad this year. Several times we’ve visited him with his Alzheimer’s, and you are patient with him. You repeat who you are and remind him of his interests like cars and his pets. You smile brightly and tell him clearly that you love him. I’ve just sat in awe sometimes at how tender you are with him. I get there and don’t know what to do. You look like you were gifted for this. 
  11. And one extra: You asked for prayer when we were with all the family for Dad’s funeral that you would redeem the time for God’s glory (my words). You wanted not just to fellowship, but to investigate where your nephews and nieces and cousins were with Christ. You made your conversations purposeful because you love Jesus and love people.

#1 Child

  1. You are a social person. We got an extra week with you after New Year’s and you enjoy people. You went to the college retreat with me and two different parties at the Capons that week. And you met new people and got to know them. Being social is a tangible way of loving others, and I think you love others purposely.
  2. I appreciate your steadiness. I used to tell you as a teen that you only had one speed and it wasn’t normally urgent which was a pessimistic way to state what I’m trying to say. You don’t tend to be frantic or panicky. Your steadiness is comforting to people around you. It lowers stress and anxiety for others. That’s nice.
  3. You are generous, or another way of saying it is that money doesn’t seem that important to you. You are quick to give it away and to use it to serve others, and not just your family members. I think your friends and roommates experience this side of you too. Generosity is a great Christlike trait that is evident in your life.
  4. Your sense of humor is MOSTLY a welcome release in a stressful situation. 😉 You are like me in that your response to stress is often humor. I think it’s a benefit to you and to those you’re around. It can help people relax and give them perspective.
  5. I like that you share funny work stories with us. Your fellow pilots and enlisted do some funny things and you love laughing with us, but also about your own funny things. You do some humorous things at work, and you’re willing to share them even when they are embarrassing. That’s humble.
  6. You are responsible in your job. I think Chris R. told us that it only takes a few years to figure out if a Navy officer is just putting in time or if he is actually someone that you can count on. The latter get more and more responsibility. That’s been you. You are giving the US government what they paid for and more. I think that work ethic honors God.
  7. I was reminded today when I was reviewing my devotions from 2012 how graciously you have responded to me throughout your life. You’ve treated me far better that I treated my own father—especially when I was sinfully angry or annoyed with you. You have been gracious and kind in spite of my sin. That’s overcoming evil with good (Rom 12), and you have done that well with me in your teenage years.
  8. You call your Mom regularly even when you are extremely busy like you are on deployment. You have a great relationship with her that I think foretells a little about what kind of husband you will be someday. I love that you love your Mom so much.
  9. You have faced some disappointments in your life and career that have knocked you off balance, but you always ultimately get righted as you contemplate good theology—what you know about God. You are comforted by his sovereignty, his wisdom, and his care for you. I’m grateful that when we talk about these things, you are working hard to trust God. You recognize his plan is sometimes different than yours.
  10. You love Jesus and the gospel. You are committed to your church which is shown by attendance and service. I enjoy our conversations on biblical topics, and you often initiate them because you want to know God’s Word well.

#2 Child

  1. You are a thoughtful person—a lot like your Mom. I received a thoughtful Father’s Day card from you in my luggage. It was long and sweet. That’s normal for you. I think every family member has gotten a “wordy” letter or card from you over the years because you are so thoughtful.
  2. I don’t think I would have asked Trevor Lawrence for his picture. You have grown so much in overcoming your fear of man, and that is one example. You are willing to take risks, and you’re okay if they don’t pan out, which is, I guess, the definition of taking risks. Fear doesn’t keep you on the sidelines.
  3. You embrace your nerdiness, your geekiness. Some are not that confident in it, but you normally don’t seem to mind that you are a bit dorky. And I use all those words with love. I haven’t seen you on the dance floor, but from your description I think there is more confidence than skill. 😉 And confidence is attractive.
  4. You call your Mom and share funny stories, you ask her advice, and you have sweet mother-daughter conversations (I assume since I’m sometimes not invited into them). I appreciate how you open up to her and listen to her. Your mom loves that.
  5. You love to laugh, and I like that especially. And you have a pretty good laugh. Mostly you don’t take yourself too seriously. While you enjoy laughing at the funny antics of your roommates and family members, you are also happy to laugh at your own mistakes. Laughing is a disarming trait; it’s a welcoming characteristic.
  6. You have started running which shows self-discipline. Maybe you’ve let off a little recently but you did it for months and being self-disciplined with physical exercise is hard. It shows a willingness to start something difficult.
  7. You have graciously responded throughout your teen years and young adult years to your Dad when I have been obviously wrong and sinful. That’s a wonderful response to my anger. It pleases God.
  8. You are an inclusive person. What I mean is you include others. You introduce yourself to visitors at your church I think. You love social events and you want others even on the margins to come to them. You look for those that feel outside, and you love them.
  9. You are teachable. You respond to my or your Mom’s rebukes with grace normally. You actually seek out advice on spiritual and practical issues. You call us when you have decisions to make or when you just need advice with a friend or with a car. Both show a heart that is willing to listen. Proverbs says that’s a good trait of a wise person. You are growing in wisdom.
  10. You have a sweet relationship with #4 that is a neat sister bond. I could hear you laughing with each other when you visited at Thanksgiving after Mom and I went to bed. You are different personalities but clearly are really good friends. Not all sisters get along, but you do. You both put effort into it, but I think when you were cool in high school, and let’s face it, #4 wasn’t,;) you loved being with your sister and including her. It’s a sweet relationship that will hopefully last a lifetime.

#3 Child

  1. You don’t know how to do anything halfway. You cannot be partially committed to something. Whatever you do you try to do it with excellence. You’re not a guy that does enough to get by. I admire that.
  2. You have a good sense of humor that loves to push buttons for us. I like that sense of humor since it matches mine. But you are willing to ask forgiveness when you hurt someone with your sense of humor. That’s growing maturity.
  3. I enjoyed watching the process of you buying your Toyota Rav 4. You were careful, sought advice, got a mechanic to look at it, prayed, sought to make a wise decision. I was impressed. It seems a mature way to make financial decisions.  
  4. It was fun to hear the USAFA Women’s Basketball coaches gush over your work as the manager while we were there for Parents’ Weekend. At least three of them, including the head coach, talked about how happy they were that you were doing it. One mentioned your interview process as so impressive to her. If you commit to a job, you do it seriously and thoroughly. That’s a great character trait.
  5. You are disciplined in talking to your family. Mom expects your call every Sunday after church. I know you call your siblings regularly too. You put effort into family relationships and that’s unusual for your age group. It’s a good trait for a future family. I think you thought all your siblings were just as disciplined and were surprised to find out they are more spontaneous than disciplined callers, but it doesn’t stop you from consistently calling.
  6. You like to be active. Actually three of you kids enjoy running, but you’re probably the most passionate about it. You’ve always been a mover; early on maybe it kept you from studying or reading like you should. That’s not the case anymore. You’re not a couch potato. You have a good balance between physical exercise and intellectual growth.
  7. You love your family. Some cadets get to USAFA and don’t care about their families anymore. They are happy to get away. You have always been glad to see your geeky parents whenever we’ve come out for Parents Weekend or other times. You enjoy coming home and seeing your siblings. You’ve visited #1 on your own while at the academy. You’ve even considered graduate school in FL because it is closer to #2 and possibly even #1 if he gets moved there. Loving your family is an unusual trait in your environment, but you don’t care.
  8. You are far more gracious and thankful than I was as a young man. You share several heartfelt and thoughtful things you appreciate about each one of us on our birthdays. That shows a growing thankfulness. Growth in gratefulness shows growth in humility and contentment.
  9. I think you work to share Christ with other students at USAFA. You’ve told us of conversations you’ve had. You are active in Navigators and have talked to some attendees that seem not to understand the gospel. Having Christian friends that can encourage your faith is important to you, and God has provided them for you.
  10. I appreciate how your relationship has grown with your Mom. You really enjoy her. You call her every week. You love having your Mom rub your hair because it feels good, but also because you love your Mom.

#4 Child

  1. You are not a complainer. Mom says that you don’t feel good about 75% of the time, but you don’t complain, and you never have. You just endure it.
  2. You love me and show it whenever you see me. You hold my hand or give me a hug and often tell me that you love me. Normally in a passive aggressive way like, “Do you know that I love you?” I’m kidding on the passive aggressiveness.
  3. You are good relationally, and all ages like you. Jessica S. told us humorously that you’re the “favorite daughter” of John and Shelley—your Minnesota parents. You have your senior saints that you go to lunch with on Sunday. Some your age might not be comfortable going to lunch with their own grandparents, but you enjoy your senior saints. You are earnest in your interest in others because you love others.
  4. You have a heart for ministry. You took a missions trip even though it was six weeks where you couldn’t earn money for school. And even thought it was in the jungle with outdoor bathrooms; I know you adapted well. You love Jesus and serve him. You intentionally build friendships with unbelievers to share Christ.
  5. You work hard to build relationships. You are intentional with time and money to love your family members and your friends. Even when others are not that responsive, you still pursue friendship. You’ve had relationships in high school and college where most of the relational heavy lifting fell on your shoulders, and you willingly did it. If you hadn’t maintained the relationship, it wouldn’t have existed. And you’re slightly introverted 😉 so this is actually a big deal. You work on your friendships.
  6. I tease you and mostly you are okay with it. 😉 You respond with laughter and kindness. You are able to laugh at some funny things about yourself.
  7. You are good with children. Andrew and Jessica S. told us that their kids love you; they have to be careful to keep them from bothering you because their kids like coming down to your room and interrupting you. Their kids were impressed with us because we were “#4’s mom and dad.”
  8. You love your church, and you have relationships with all ages. I especially enjoy that you have friends that are retired. It’s a mark of your love for CLBC. But even your joy in texting us about 17 members joining in October is a sign of your love for that group of believers.
  9. You are loyal to your friends. You defend them, and not just your Christian friends. You even push back against me when I razz you about them. You don’t join others in gossip or slander. You have a backbone to stand up against it.
  10. You are a grateful child. You appreciate the little ways Mom and I try to help with some of your living expenses, and I know this because you tell us. You don’t assume that we will pay for a meal or your phone or car expenses. You don’t fail to say thank you for stuff like this.

References

References
↑1 I’ve included my wife’s name, but not my kids’ names.
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A Simple Mark of Biblical Wisdom

For five summers during and after college I worked at a Christian camp in northern Wisconsin. The staff were mainly other single college kids like me, and we had plenty of energy by the weekend. One time a friend and I came across an old mining cave in a town not far from the camp. The fact that it had a fence around it with a No Trespassing sign just made it more tempting to us. It wasn’t a huge cave; it went in probably 50 feet, but it was a neat find that had an element of danger to it that was attractive to two young men.

My friend, Will, and I came up with a plan for showing some fellow camp counselors the cave on the next weekend and making it even more exciting. We decided we’d bring four or five female staff members there and stage a hold up with some guy staff members playing the role of hoodlums. To say this was not wise is an understatement; however, at the time it seemed like a surefire, exciting experience for us.

The first indication that this wasn’t a good idea was that several of the girls didn’t like the idea of climbing a barb wire fence with a No Trespassing sign on it. We convinced them it was okay and kept going into the cave. A second indication was just inside the entrance there was a huge boulder that wasn’t there the first time we came. It fell out of the ceiling in the intervening time! But we pressed on.

Soon our friends came into the cave behind us with ski masks on and started threatening Will and me. I was further in the cave and coincidentally had my girlfriend on one side and my ex-girlfriend on the other side of me. Both grabbed my closest arm, and they were both crying. My ex was whispering, “Dear Jesus please protect us” over and over and over. My girlfriend was shaking which I mistook at the time for sobbing. This was when it finally dawned on me that this was a dumb idea. I literally had no idea up to that point that some girls’ greatest fear is being assaulted.

The “hoodlums” demanded money and pushed Will around. At that point my girlfriend grabbed the stocking cap off of one of them and said, “Is this Danny?” What I thought was my girlfriend sobbing was actually her stifling giggles.[1]That girlfriend eventually became my wife and has been for 30 years. 🙂 But she was the only one. The rest of the girls did not forgive Will and me for quite a while.

That was a foolish idea from beginning to end. It was illegal (climbing over the fence), unsafe physically, unsafe emotionally, and unkind.

You know what Will and I didn’t do? We didn’t run this idea past our Camp Director, or Program Director, or really anyone that might have told us no. Why? Well we really didn’t want to hear anyone that would push back on our idea. We didn’t want to listen. We had a week to plan this, and at no time did we ask a more mature person what they thought of this idea.

There’s one chief characteristic of the wise person over the foolish person in the Book of Proverbs, and it’s simply this: wise people listen. Foolish people don’t listen. You can really summarize Proverbs that way. A wise son or daughter listens. That is taught by how often Solomon tells his sons to hear him. [2]All passages from the ESV.

Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching…. Prov 1:8
My son, be attentive to my words; incline your ear to my sayings. Prov 4:20  (cf. 4:1, 10; 5:1; 5:7; 7:24; 23:19)

We’re taught this when wisdom is personified in chapter eight and tells the naive to hear her.

Hear, for I will speak noble things, and from my lips will come what is right, Prov 8:6
Blessed is the one who listens to me, watching daily at my gates, waiting beside my doors. Prov 8:34  

We’re taught this truth generally.

The ear that listens to life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise. Prov 15:31 
Incline your ear, and hear the words of the wise, and apply your heart to my knowledge, Prov 22:17 (cf. 23:9; 25:12)

But most clearly it’s taught when fools and wise people are contrasted.

The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice. Prov 12:15  
A wise son hears his father’s instruction, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke. Prov 13:1  

There are other marks of wisdom in Proverbs—the fear of the Lord is the foundation of wisdom for example (Prov 1:7). But the primary mark is a wise person listens.

It’s easy for us forget this simple lesson. Give me a little ministry success, a little success in my family, maybe some actual spiritual growth over a besetting sin, and I start to think that I don’t have to listen. I can become less teachable. Not really unteachable, but I’m less teachable. I start to pick and choose whom I hear. Those that I think are spiritually less than me I ignore. I think “What could they teach me?” I become more defensive. I don’t hear rebukes (Prov 13:1) because I don’t think I could need them.

Are you in a spiritual place where you can listen to others? The foolish son doesn’t listen. Neither does the foolish parent. He’s condescending to those that share truth with him. Heed the Book of Proverbs. You must be a person that hears wisdom, that seeks for wisdom. Be a listener; be teachable, and you will also be wise.

My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding…. Prov 2:1–6

References

References
↑1 That girlfriend eventually became my wife and has been for 30 years. 🙂
↑2 All passages from the ESV.
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Five Solid Reasons to Trust God

When you are battling doubt, when you’re anxious, when you question God’s ways, when you cannot see God in your circumstances (Job 23:8-10), you need reasons to trust God. Here are five from Scripture that have ministered to my soul. I’ve listed them mostly without additional explanation.

“Behold, I go forward, but he is not there, and backward, but I do not perceive him; on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him; he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him. But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold. Job 23:8–10; cf. 9:11 (ESV)

1. Because We Are Commanded to Trust God (Ps 37:3; cf. Prov 16:20; Jer 17:7)

Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Ps 37:3 (ESV)

Trusting in God isn’t just a command to be obeyed with drudgery. Trusting God leads to happiness. The doubting, anxious, fretful Christian is not happy. That’s a miserable way to live. I know. I live there too often.

2. Because God Is Trustworthy (Ps 27:1-3; 1 Cor 10:13; cf. Dt 33:26-28; 1 Sam 12:11)

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who stumble and fall. Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident. Ps 27:1–3 (ESV)
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful…. 1 Cor 10:13 (ESV)

Every other place we put our trust is not worthy of our trust. God is sovereign and all-powerful, He is loving and good, and He is all-wise (Trust Triangle). He is trustworthy.

3. Because Anything Else Is Not Trustworthy[1]Gleason Archer, R. Laird Harris, and Bruce Waltke, Theological Wordbook of the Old Testament, Revised. (Moody Publishers, 2003).

Look at some of the places we put our trust.

Man (Ps 118:8; Jer 17:5; cf. Ps 146:3; Prov 25:19)

It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man. Ps 118:8 (ESV)
Thus says the Lord: “Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord. Jer 17:5 (ESV)

Riches (Prov 11:28; cf. Ps 52:5-7)

Whoever trusts in his riches will fall, but the righteous will flourish like a green leaf. Prov 11:28 (ESV)

Idols (Isa 42:17; Hab 2:18; cf. Ps 31:6; 115:8)

They are turned back and utterly put to shame, who trust in carved idols, who say to metal images, “You are our gods.” Isa 42:17 (ESV)
“What profit is an idol when its maker has shaped it, a metal image, a teacher of lies? For its maker trusts in his own creation when he makes speechless idols! Hab 2:18 (ESV)

Military Power (Isa 31:1; cf. Dt 28:52; Ps 44:5-6; Jer 5:17; Hos 10:13)

Woe to those who go down to Egypt for help and rely on horses, who trust in chariots because they are many and in horsemen because they are very strong, but do not look to the Holy One of Israel or consult the Lord! Isa 31:1 (ESV)

Your own righteousness (Ezek 33:13)

Though I say to the righteous that he shall surely live, yet if he trusts in his righteousness and does injustice, none of his righteous deeds shall be remembered, but in his injustice that he has done he shall die. Ezek 33:13 (ESV)

Your own understanding (Prov 3:5)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. Prov 3:5 (ESV)

Where else can you go? These and any other place you put your trust are unworthy of it. They will fail and disappoint. God cannot.

4. Because Those That Have Trusted God Have Not Been Disappointed (Ps 22:4-5; cf. Isa 28:16; Rom 9:33; 10:11; 1 Peter 2:6)

In you our fathers trusted; they trusted, and you delivered them. To you they cried and were rescued; in you they trusted and were not put to shame. Ps 22:4–5 (ESV)

God has a track record. Many Christians have trusted God, and they have not regretted it. They weren’t shamed or embarrassed that they trusted God. No Christian ultimately regrets trusting God. It’s always the right way to relate to God—with trust.

5. Because of the Results of Trusting in God (Ps 40:4; 84:12)[2]Gleason Archer, R. Laird Harris, and Bruce Waltke, Theological Wordbook of the Old Testament, Revised. (Moody Publishers, 2003).

Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust, who does not turn to the proud, to those who go astray after a lie! Ps 40:4 (ESV)
O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you! Ps 84:12 (ESV)

Trusting God leads to the blessed life. It’s more than happiness, but it’s not less than that. The truly blessed believer trusts in God.

There are certainly more reasons to trust God, but meditating on these five alone should strengthen your soul and encourage your heart in the dark times when doubt and fear seem so much easier than trust.

References

References
↑1, ↑2 Gleason Archer, R. Laird Harris, and Bruce Waltke, Theological Wordbook of the Old Testament, Revised. (Moody Publishers, 2003).