Author: Kraig

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Overcoming Evil in Marriage

I was miserable in the rain. We owned a Ford Aerostar minivan, and one of the sliding glass windows was leaking. It was our first ministry job, and while we could afford a house (barely), we didn’t have a garage. I had just gotten back from a ministry trip, and Laura told me about it then. She had noticed it leaking during the week, but didn’t have a way of fixing it. Now during this unexpected thunderstorm rain was coming inside the van in bucketfuls. I was upset; I questioned her care of the family. I lashed out in anger at her—openly accusing her of not caring for our vehicle. I don’t remember all that I said to my wife at that time, but I know it was hurtful, accusatory, and condescending—a too common trinity of evil speech from me to her.

I grabbed some caulk and went outside trying to fix our minivan’s window frame. It was rainy, and I was steaming. I was angry at my wife, angry at my circumstances, and angry that one of my idols—our minivan—was being damaged on the inside by the rain.

My wife came out and gave me something I didn’t deserve—grace. She told me later that she wanted to come out and yell at me—I deserved it, but instead she was kind. As we stood there in the rain she asked, “Kraig, how can I help you with this?” with a sweet, loving tone, and she meant it! The Spirit used her kindness to lead me to repentance. I asked her forgiveness and she graciously gave it.

Not all sin in marriage ends with forgiveness, does it? God was gracious to me that day. I wish I could say that I haven’t sinned against my wife or kids since then with my speech, but that’s far, far from the truth.

My wife was applying truth found in Romans 12. And when I say she was applying it, I mean it wasn’t accidental. She thought about how she should respond to me and knew what Scripture said. 

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Rom 12:21 (ESV)

I had treated her sinfully–very wickedly, but she responded with good. You see, the good overcomes the evil. It destroys the evil. It’s not how any of us naturally respond. We want our revenge–something also condemned in Romans 12. But revenge extends the evil. It prolongs the evil. It feeds it.

Anybody can give back evil for evil. That’s easy. That’s natural. What my wife did that day was something that only those empowered by the Spirit can do. Giving good for evil kills the evil.

Husbands and wives must overcome evil with good. But you cannot do it in your own strength. The gospel changes us into people that can do what comes unnaturally. We give back good for evil.

Maybe your marriage is stuck right now, and it’s stuck because neither of you will give in. Neither will do good when sinned against. Trading verbal blow for verbal blow accelerates quickly. It harms your marriage. Evil for evil hasn’t worked very well, has it? Make the first move. Be gracious and kind to your spouse especially when they don’t deserve it.

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“Judge Not”

This Sunday my pastor asked me to teach in our Community Service, and he–probably unwisely ;)–gave me total freedom as to subject. I’m going to look at Matthew 7:1-5 both this week and probably next. It’s a passage I often use in my counseling ministry; it reminds us of our bias towards self. We really think the other person in conflict is wronger than us, but we are hobbled in making that judgment because of our inability to see ourselves clearly.

Verse 1 tells us not to judge others, but it doesn’t mean what most unbelievers think it means. It’s not a blanket condemnation of making evaluations about others. We know this because in the same chapter we are told that we can make some evaluations of others (7:6, 19-20). It is a command not to sinfully judge or condemn others.

Years ago I developed this chart to help me understand the difference. Hopefully it helps you too.

By the way, I hesitated to call it discernment because of the misuse of that word by so-called discernment ministries online. However, it’s a biblical word that should be rescued, and maybe by emphasizing grace, I will contribute to a more accurate understanding of it.

Sinfully JudgingGraciously Discerning
Defined
To condemn someone (often based on personal opinion). To act in the place of God.
Rom 14:3–4 (ESV) Let not the one who eats despise the one who abstains, and let not the one who abstains pass judgment on the one who eats, for God has welcomed him. 4 Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand.		To see things as they really are, as God describes them in His Word.
Phil 1:9 (ESV) And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, Heb 5:14 (ESV) But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.    
Characteristics
Will be spiritually blind to my own lack in the same area (Mt 7:3-4).Will thoroughly examine myself first (Mt 7:3-4; Gal 6:1).
Will be eager to tell about another’s failure.
1 Cor 13:6a (ESV) [Love] it does not rejoice at wrongdoing….		Will deal with the matter as privately as possible (Mt 18).
Will feel superior because of their failure. “I’m better than that.”Will grieve because of their failure. “I’m very much like that.”
Will base opinions on hearsay.
John 7:24, 51 (ESV) Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” 51 “Does our law judge a man without first giving him a hearing and learning what he does?”
Jam 4:11 (ESV) Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge.		Will be concerned with accuracy.
Prov 18:13 (ESV) If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.  
Will go to him to get the story straight (Mt 18).
Luke 17:3 (ESV) Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, [Has the idea of rebuking tentatively. You might not have the whole story.]
Rejects a sinning brother.
2 Cor 2:6–8 (ESV) For such a one, this punishment by the majority is enough, 7 so you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. 8 So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him.		Restores a sinning brother (Mt 18; Lk 17:3; Gal 6:1).

Here are the differences I see. Are there any contrasts that you would add?

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Message to Garcia

All four of my children spent a week at the United States Naval Academy the summer before their senior year for the USNA Summer Seminar. It’s an opportunity for students to experience a little of the Naval Academy to help them decide if they want to pursue a nomination and appointment. While there, they heard a story that the Navy has used for almost 100 years. It’s summarized as “Message to Garcia.”

It was a published essay that claims that just before the beginning of the Spanish-American War, President McKinley needed to get a message to the head of the Cuban insurgency, Calixto Garcia. Unfortunately, no one knew where he was in the interior of Cuba. But, he was told, a man named Rowan could find him if anyone could. So the President dispatched Lt. Andrew S. Rowan to find Garcia and deliver the message, and Rowan didn’t ask any questions. He just did it.

One part of the essay summarizes Rowan’s task this way.

How “the fellow by the name of Rowan” took the letter, sealed it up in an oilskin pouch, strapped it over his heart, in four days landed by night off the coast of Cuba from an open boat, disappeared into the jungle, and in three weeks came out on the other side of the Island, having traversed a hostile country on foot, and delivered his letter to Garcia—are things I have no special desire now to tell in detail. The point that I wish to make is this: McKinley gave Rowan a letter to be delivered to Garcia; Rowan took the letter and did not ask, “Where is he at?” By the Eternal! there is a man whose form should be cast in deathless bronze and the statue placed in every college of the land. It is not book-learning young men need, nor instruction about this and that, but a stiffening of the vertebrae which will cause them to be loyal to a trust, to act promptly, concentrate their energies: do the thing—“Carry a message to Garcia.” [1]Elbert Hubbard, A Message to Garcia (East Aurora, NY: Roycrofters, 1914) https://www.gutenberg.org/files/17195/17195-h/17195-h.htm, Accessed on May 11, 2021.

The essay encourages initiative, determination, and independent action to solve problems. The author took quite a bit of historical liberty with it and that and being told “Message to Garcia” when you ask any questions about a task you’ve been given have contributed to the cynicism with which many regard it today. Sometimes it’s a way to cut off discussion and accuse the questioner of lacking initiative.

But “Message to Garcia” is probably what some of us need to hear in our ministries. The average pastor, the average volunteer, and the average servant find it too easy to quit whenever they face any opposition. Christian ministry is not without hazards and difficulties. Probably some of us do need a stiffening of the vertebrae.

A friend of mine used to humorously claim that “Real men quit.” He based that assertion off the KJV translation of 1 Cor 16:13. “Watch ye, stand fast in the faith, quit you like men, be strong.” “See,” he would say, “Real men quit. We’re commanded to quit like men” he would say with a wink. Of course the Apostle Paul is saying the opposite—he wants us to act like men. And real men don’t quit. Or at least they don’t quit easily, right?

I don’t know what opposition your ministry is experiencing. There are a lot of difficult situations that pastors can experience. Not every person you serve acts like Jesus. But don’t give up just because it’s hard. Hard is not bad, hard is just hard. Embrace a little of the “Message to Garcia” and fight through the obstacles. God will give you daily sustaining grace.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9–10 (ESV)

References

References
↑1 Elbert Hubbard, A Message to Garcia (East Aurora, NY: Roycrofters, 1914) https://www.gutenberg.org/files/17195/17195-h/17195-h.htm, Accessed on May 11, 2021.
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Know Your Wife

According to some polls, there is a certain percentage of men who cannot remember the date of their marriage. You would think the percentage would be zero, but it’s a range that is much larger than that. I can remember not only our anniversary (will be 29 years on May 29th! Is there such a thing as a Golden Anniversary—besides the 50th—like your Golden Birthday?) but I can also remember the date when I asked Laura to marry me. I’d prove it to you, but I also use it in some passwords, so you’ll just have to trust me. I know I’m congratulating myself on something that is possibly the lowest bar for fulfilling 1 Peter 3:7, but apparently some husbands cannot meet even that low standard.

What’s in 1 Peter? A Christian husband probably knows in the Apostle Paul’s writings that he is commanded to love his wife in the Apostle Paul’s writings, but tucked in 1 Peter 3:7 is another command that is ignored to his marriage’s harm.

1 Peter 3:7 (ESV) Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way….

This phrase has a variety of translations.

(NKJV) Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding….
(NIV84), Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives….
(NASB95) You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way….
(NRSV), Husbands, in the same way, show consideration for your wives in your life together….
(HCSB), Husbands, in the same way, live with your wives with an understanding of their weaker nature….

You can see that some translations think it means to be considerate of your wife, and others—most—think it means live with her with knowledge. Some Bible scholars take it to mean be considerate, or use your authority considerately.[1]Edmund Clowney and Peter Davids

However, I agree with most that it means live knowledgeably with your wife. It is translated as a command because of 1 Peter’s specific grammatical rules [2]It’s a participle, but in 1 Peter participles are often considered imperatives.

So what does it mean to live with your wife according to knowledge? Peter doesn’t say what kind of knowledge is needed. A bit surprising I think, but several commentators believe it has special reference to the marital sexual relationship. The word was certainly used that way in the LXX—the Greek translation of the Old Testament. The word is sunoikeo [συνοικέω], and it’s used in each of these passages.

Deuteronomy 22:13 (NKJV) “If any man takes a wife, and goes in to her, and detests her,
Deuteronomy 24:1a (NKJV) “When a man takes a wife and marries her….
Deuteronomy 25:5 (NKJV) “If brothers dwell together, and one of them dies and has no son, the widow of the dead man shall not be married to a stranger outside the family; her husband’s brother shall go in to her, take her as his wife, and perform the duty of a husband’s brother to her.

So this word in 1 Peter 3:7 at least means don’t be a brute in your sexual relationship. Be considerate. It’s more than just maintaining an intimate relationship with your wife as the Apostle Paul commands in 1 Cor 7. It’s more than fulfilling your sexual duty to your wife. It means to do so with understanding. Husband, are you a selfish lover? Are you only interested in your pleasure, or do you make sure your wife enjoys this part of your relationship? Do you know what she likes? What gives her pleasure? Whatever dwelling with your wife according to knowledge means, it includes the sexual relationship.

But it’s also more general knowledge too. It means to have knowledge in all areas of your wife’s life.

You need to have a curious mind about your wife. What are you supposed to know? The cynic says, “Who can figure out women?” Well, there is one that you better figure out—your wife. You need to be a student of your wife. You can’t throw up your hands and say, “I’ll never figure her out.” You need to be proactive in trying to know her. What intrigues her? What discourages her? What are her dreams? What are her strengths, weaknesses? What are her goals? What does she enjoy? What does she dislike? How can you encourage her? What does she want to change in your marriage? What does she struggle with? What sins continually tempt her? How can you help her grow?

When we were engaged, I use to kid my wife about “Laura Logic.” These were humorous statements that made sense to Laura, but not necessarily to me. But rather than laughing, I should be working toward a doctorate in Laura Logic. I need to understand her.

The purpose of this knowledge isn’t to win some contest—like a Christian version of the old show, The Newlywed Game. It should be insight that leads to loving and considerate care. You cannot cherish someone that you don’t know. So to cherish your wife, as every Christian husband must, you need learn about her.

This command requires effort. This isn’t knowledge that just comes by living with a person. We wouldn’t need to be commanded to do it if that were the case. That would come over time, naturally.

And notice nowhere in Scripture are we told to dwell with our kids or parents according to knowledge. That might be wise, but it’s not commanded. No, it’s specifically your wife. It wouldn’t be unusual in counseling for me to find a husband that lived with his wife for years and didn’t really know her. He never put in the effort.

A couple of decades ago a friend of mine was getting married. He and his fiancé were getting discouraged because a few older couples in the church were telling him that marriage is great at the beginning, but eventually you develop different interests and you become roommates, not best friends. That’s sad, and not at all what God intended.

Husband, you should enjoy obeying this command to know your wife. Put some effort into knowing her, and you will also be cherishing her. A cherished wife is a blessed wife.

References

References
↑1 Edmund Clowney and Peter Davids
↑2 It’s a participle, but in 1 Peter participles are often considered imperatives.
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Do I Forgive the Unrepentant Offender?

Today my wife and I were getting in our 30 minutes of walking on a beautiful day here when a student stopped me and asked a question about forgiveness. His question was theoretical—he didn’t have a particular person in mind, but he asked whether Christians need to forgive someone that has not admitted their sin.

Forgiveness and Biblical Counseling go together like peanut butter and jelly. Of course, it’s been decades since I enjoyed that sandwich combination, but I hear people still like them. You can’t think of peanut butter without jelly and it’s the same with forgiveness and Biblical counseling. If I want to get onto a profitable rabbit trail in any of my counseling classes, I just have to present some question about forgiveness and the entire hour will be gone quickly. The question this student asked me is a frequent one, and good people take opposite positions on it.[1]Jay Adams in From Forgiven to Forgiving, says that forgiveness is only transactional as does Chris Brauns in his more recent book, Unpacking Forgiveness. John MacArthur in his book, The Freedom and … Continue reading

There are lots of passages on forgiveness in the New Testament that are relevant to this question, but first a definition. When I talk about forgiveness I mean a promise not to talk about his sin to his face, not to talk about it behind his back, and not to think on it.

Those that see conditionality as important to forgiveness can point to Eph 4:32.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (ESV)

What does it mean to forgive as God forgives us? God certainly never forgives a person that doesn’t admit their sin; therefore, we shouldn’t forgive someone that doesn’t admit his sin—he doesn’t ask for forgiveness. You can add to this argument Luke 17:3-4 where Christ says,

Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” (ESV)

These two passages seem to indicate that forgiveness is not offered to an unrepentant offender, and those that believe this consider horizontal forgiveness (person to person) to be a transaction. If the offender doesn’t repent, the transaction of forgiveness cannot be completed. I don’t argue that ideally forgiveness should be a transaction between offender and offended, but the question is how does the offended respond when the offender doesn’t repent and the transaction cannot be completed? Luke 17:3 seems clear—if the offender just says he’s repentant (seven times in a day would indicate that probably the first time at least he wasn’t repentant), then you are supposed to forgive him. And it seems clear that the offender stating his repentance is required.

However, Eph 4:32 is not as helpful to their position as those that see forgiveness as a transaction seem to believe. Eph 4:22-24 talks about sanctification as putting off and putting on with renewed thinking and then the following verses give examples of what that looks like. So, put off lying and put on speaking the truth. Why? Because we are members of the same body. By verse 31 we have a list of sins that should no longer characterize us. We should be putting them off. Verse 32 then tells us what we should put on as corresponding virtues. The emphasis of Eph 4:32 is not on how stingy we can be with our forgiveness, but how generous we should be. As John MacArthur says,

“To make conditionality the gist of Christlike forgiving seems to miss the whole point of what Scripture is saying. When Scripture instructs us to forgive in the manner we have been forgiven, what is in view is not the idea of withholding forgiveness until the offender expresses repentance.” And, “The attitude of the forgiver is where the focus of Scripture lies, not the terms of forgiveness.”[2] John MacArthur, The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books, 1998), 118, 119.

I agree and I would add the entire story of Mt 18:21-35. Christ’s response to Peter’s question in that passage is that Peter isn’t being nearly generous enough with his forgiveness if he’s refusing to forgive after 7 offenses. That’s being a stingy accountant, not a generous forgiver. And notice that Peter’s question doesn’t assume that the person you are forgiving is even asking for it. They might not be admitting their sin 7 times in the day, but Christians reflect on God’s great forgiveness of them and forgive others. They realize that compared to their sins against God, any, ANY sin against them is small and should be easy to forgive. The emphasis is on being generous with our forgiveness.

Sometimes forgiveness is transactional (ideally) but it’s always attitudinal. Sometimes it can only be attitudinal when the offender refuses to repent. I should work towards having an attitude of forgiveness toward my offenders whether they admit their sin or not.

Something Luke records in his gospel is important.

“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. Luke 6:27–29 (ESV)

Imagine a person that is hated, cursed, abused, punched, and stolen from, and all by the same person. How does a Christian respond to that? They love them. And in this passage love looks a lot like not holding their sin against their enemy, doesn’t it? I mean you’re blessing them, praying for them, and giving them your tunic. That sounds a lot like an attitude of forgiveness.

We can actually see this attitudinal forgiveness demonstrated by Jesus on the cross. When they reached Calvary and Jesus was crucified, Luke records Jesus saying,

And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Luke 23:34a (ESV)

Was Jesus actually forgiving the sin of people that hadn’t repented? No. Christ was praying that they would be brought about to a position of repentance. Christ was not forgiving their sins, but He was demonstrating a forgiving attitude, an attitude that longs to complete the transaction if repentance is offered.

Does a Christian need to forgive someone that has not admitted their sin? They need to have an attitude of forgiveness while they pray for the offender to repent so that the transaction of forgiveness can be completed. But if the offender never repents, the Christian can follow the example of Jesus and maintain a forgiving attitude towards those that have sinned against him. From the offender’s perspective, it’s indistinguishable from transactional forgiveness. In other words the offended Christian can forgive him.

References

References
↑1 Jay Adams in From Forgiven to Forgiving, says that forgiveness is only transactional as does Chris Brauns in his more recent book, Unpacking Forgiveness. John MacArthur in his book, The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness, says forgiveness is conditional sometimes and unconditional other times.
↑2 John MacArthur, The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books, 1998), 118, 119.