Category: Sanctification

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Decaeuxarista (Deca-eucharista) 2025

Grow in Gratefulness for Your Family

For years I’ve assigned a thankfulness project to counselees where they write down reasons they are grateful for their present circumstances or for a particular person. It’s something I’ve used in my own life too. The first time I did it with my family was about 15 years ago. It’s become an annual event that I normally finish around Christmas. It started with 10 one-word descriptions and has morphed into a short paragraph for each of 10 reasons I’m thankful for each member of my family. This year I presented it to my kids and their spouses on a Facetime call on December 25.

The Apostle Paul is my example—he was quick to express thankfulness for his ministry colleagues and the churches he wrote. He even noticed reasons to praise the more difficult churches. And since these were letters that were read in church, his praise was public.

Philemon 4, 7 (NASB 2020) I thank my God always, making mention of you in my prayers… For I have had great joy and comfort in your love, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you, brother. [speaking of Philemon]
Philippians 2:25 (NASB 2020) But I thought it necessary to send to you Epaphroditus, my brother and fellow worker and fellow soldier, who is also your messenger and minister to my need… [Epaphroditus carries this letter back to Philippi where his praise is read publicly.]

The title of this blog is a made-up word that I want to mean 10 Thanks or 10 Blessings. It’s just what we have always called it. How does it happen? During the year I notice reasons to be thankful for my family and I write them down—normally with an example of that reason. The list below might fuel some of your own reasons for thankfulness. While God has blessed Laura and I with great relationships with all of our kids and spouses, this might even be a more necessary exercise in a difficult relationship.

Other than my wife’s name, the rest are identified only by a number. That’s why it might sound a little impersonal. It’s not impersonal when I read it to them. This list includes my own children and my children’s spouses. I don’t expect you to read them all; just breeze through it, but I hope it’s an encouragement to you to do something similar. God is sovereignly behind the composition of your family, and it’s good to express gratefulness for them. Start it now and you’ll be ready by Christmas 2026 or even earlier!

Laura

  1. You love your kids well. Your speech about our son at his rehearsal dinner was saturated with love. All the kids know and feel your love.
  2. You are a problem-solver. When life hands us lemons, you figure out a way to make lemonade. I’m thinking of our daughter trying to get out of Spokane on standby last January. You just think of all the angles and come up with a good solution. I love that you are good at solving problems.
  3. You are my biggest cheerleader. You love every sermon I preach and find it very difficult to be objective, and I love that. You encourage me in ministry over and over. You comfort me when I’m discouraged and point me to Christ.
  4. Genesis 2 tells us that Eve was created to be Adam’s helper and you are an incredible helper to me. You look for ways all the time to make ministry easier for me, like driving the car, so I can work. Or doing minor home maintenance, so I have more down time. You often do things just to make my life easier. You make appointments for me, coil up the hoses for the winter, etc. You look for ways to give me more time for ministry and more time to relax at home.
  5. You are the glue that keeps the family together. Yes, it is Christ, but you point us to him. And you’re the one that is most like Christ. You draw us all in.
  6. I loved how you served our daughter for her wedding—especially during the outdoor pictures. It was so hot and humid, and you stayed out there with her until the end. You just serve so well.
  7. You are so thoughtful. You justified a lot of expenses in preparation for the kids coming at Thanksgiving. I love that you made that big closet so comfortable for our single daughter. I love the little extra things like giving all the girls money for shopping and slippers for everyone.
  8. You are so physically affectionate and our entire family benefits, but me most of all. My family hugged, but it wasn’t really our first language. You massage hands and heads, play with hair, and give hugs to your children. You sit close to me, and I like it.
  9. You are a great hostess; very hospitable. You are the sole reason I can meet that qualification in 1 Tim 3:2. For our Deacon-Staff Christmas Party you planned everything—even the games! You had cutely wrapped gifts for all the deacon couples. The house was beautifully decorated. It was very comfortable for everyone. You host baby showers at our house, and everyone feels so comfortable.
  10. You forgive well which shows that you know and love the gospel. I’ve needed forgiveness from you thousands of times and you always give it. You know the definition so you don’t say it without also doing it. You don’t hold sin against me.

#1

  1. You jump in where needed. You organized your brother’s Top Golf event after the rehearsal on the fly even though you were not the Best Man. And he loved it. We all loved it. You knew that could be a special memory for him and you made it happen. It’s a sign of your willingness to take on responsibility, even if it’s not yours.  
  2. You have talents that come out so quickly. You started crocheting and produced a gift-worthy hat in a week! You get an interest and before long you’ve become adequate and then eventually skilled. You started the guitar during Covid and are good enough to play accompaniment at church. You just have surprising talents. You can get skilled in a hobby faster than anyone I know. You started whittling and I could recognize what you were carving very quickly. You sewed a canopy for your beach cover. You got into 3-D printing and made useful stuff. I started guitar and never got any good at it. You’ve moved on after getting skilled in more hobbies than I’ve ever even started.
  3. You work hard behind the scenes. You received a Navy Achievement medal (gold star) because you worked with the Naval Reservists. A thankless job that required lots of work. You don’t care about getting noticed.
  4. You are a people person; you enjoy being with other Christians at church, a park, a home, and a restaurant. You enjoy people and Christ loves people too so you’re in good company.
  5. You pursue Christ well. You know you need to grow and you want to grow. You go to small groups and men’s groups and read books and have devotions. You love Jesus.
  6. You enjoy serving others by being tech research. Maybe it’s just me, I don’t know if others take advantage of this. But I will have a question about a technology, and you will get busy figuring out if it’s a wise purchase, change, or help to me. You think of things that I don’t even know exist. You got me a hub for my MacBook when I didn’t even know that was something to buy. It’s made my work easier at church.
  7. You were sick over Thanksgiving, but didn’t let that stop you from enjoying the time. You were up with all of us even though you didn’t feel well. You made very few compromises (e.g., not hiking).
  8. We played your Nintendo Switch a lot. You knew it would be enjoyable and both the guys (golf) and the girls (Just Dance) enjoyed it. You thought about what would make our family time more enjoyable. I wouldn’t have thought of that, but it was a blast. You want to maximize the fun we have.
  9. You are generous. You value loving others more than not spending money. You’re quick to buy a gift or pick up a bill. You value the right things.
  10. You are creatively thoughtful. Your 3-D printed gifts for each of us were fun for you as you thought of what each of us would appreciate. They were just fun, simple gifts that took into account our varied interests.

#2

  1. You love your family and think the best about them. I noticed this again when you spoke at your brother’s rehearsal dinner. You went long because you had a lot to say. You say nice things because you think nice things.
  2. You are grateful. Mom and I gave our meager contribution to finance your wedding and you were thankful for it. In fact, you were amazed and grateful.
  3. You are an excellent English teacher. Your students love you; you have great rapport. And you also expect them to work hard. Your school is fortunate to have you.
  4. You have always been a great babysitter because you love kids and they love you. You have a knack for getting to them. Some children are standoffish and shy and you just take that as a special challenge. It can be such a tangible way of loving others that are ignored by some.
  5. You value motherhood. That’s not rare in our family, but in the modern world it is. You love the idea of being a mother, and in part, that’s because you had such a wonderful Mom and you want to be like her. But also it’s because you value what God values.
  6. You are a thoughtful gift giver. Your Mom and your Grandma were the same. It’s a selfless, generous quality. The obvious example is when you organized the photo shoot at Thanksgiving. While you were doing that behind the scenes, I expressed interest in the same idea on my own initiative with the same photographer! I had no idea you were making this happen, but you knew I would really like that. AND I DID!
  7. You know your Mom very well. You call her regularly and enjoy shopping with her. You are my go to for gift ideas for Mom. And you have good ideas because you know her interests.
  8. You are so involved in your church. I still love that you essentially moved to FL for the church and found a job to match. That’s opposite of almost all Christians.
  9. You are spontaneous. I called you during my church’s ABF hour and you were willing to be put on speakerphone with the 150 people that were there. You’re up for spontaneity.
  10. You don’t fear being in front of people. (See number 9 ;). You are on the regular rotation for music ministry at your church. You speak publicly at small groups and at your siblings’ weddings. That can be a very vulnerable and selfless trait.

#3

  1. You adore your wife. You look at her with such love, and that is a wonderful trait. No one can doubt that you enjoy her. That’s loving like Christ loved the church.
  2. You apply truth to your life. Our guy’s conversation about the latest chapter in a book often reveals how you’re trying to live it.
  3. You like to be productive. If your job isn’t very demanding at the time, you will get your realtor’s license. You actually did that! You don’t waste a lot of time.
  4. You have become quite the encourager. On our backpacking trip you were regularly telling your sister that she was doing great. And she was, but none of us were going as fast as you and your wife could have gone by yourselves. Yet, you were encouraging.
  5. You get stuff done in a purposeful way. You don’t wander around in your life; you’re always working towards something. You’ve thought through reasons to do what you do.
  6. I think you are the most disciplined in the family. I look at Garmin and you run three miles like clockwork. You apply the same discipline to your spiritual disciplines. It doesn’t matter if you’re on vacation, you are still going to get your Bible out and spend time with God.
  7. You love your wife so well. I said earlier that you adore her and you do. But biblical love is more than just adoration. You are sacrificial and sensitive. You had a hard trial this year, and we saw you at Thanksgiving just loving your wife with such comfort. You gave her what she needed.
  8. You are driven by the right things. It warmed my heart that you had a personal mission statement that became your family one. You like to live with eternity in mind.
  9. You are insistent on serving God at your church. You and your wife were involved in the youth ministry in MN and after moving to Ohio, you quickly got involved with Awana. God is worthy of our service, but many young couples are too busy to serve. I’m glad this is a priority for you.
  10. You love the gospel. All of us were crying as you extemporaneously gave the gospel at your reception. It was sweet and Christ-honoring. I’ve watched that video a couple of times since then because it just encapsulates your heart for the gospel.

#4

  1. You are fine with being in the background. You don’t have to have the spotlight. You are spotlight-worthy (as all my kids are ;), but you don’t need it. I asked you to sing at Christmas and you are willing, but you would be fine letting someone else do it.
  2. You are a servant. You rode back with us to WA after your brother’s wedding and helped us drive. 1500 miles is a long trip! You serve. I loved your story of offering to sing specials at the churches in Peru at 9:30am and Barb said, “How about this morning?” And you did! And every Sunday and Wednesday afterwards you sang.
  3. You’re willing to have uncomfortable conversations. When that young driver hit your car, his Dad wanted to talk to me about your accident, and you were okay with that. But you told him how you wanted it handled. You are not afraid to talk to people. You stayed with the Missionaries in Seattle when you hadn’t met them before.
  4. You have an international heart; I think a missions heart. You do enjoy international travel, but you enjoy having a purpose in it. Helping medical missions in Peru this summer is an example. Your Bibles International internship in Mexico a few years ago is another. Your desire to do something like that every summer shows you love the lost of the world.
  5. You love your family and don’t find it hard to express that in really meaningful words. Your speech at your sister’s reception was outstanding. It was the best one I think. Very thoughtful.
  6. You are careful with finances. You’ve been able to save money because you can say no to yourself. You actually have an impressive amount saved considering your income. You don’t spend more than you have.
  7. You are quick to use your musical talents. You were involved in your church cantata. John H. asked you to sing with him a week before it was due and you quickly agreed. God is pleased with singing for him.
  8. You are thoughtfully creative. We’ve probably all received your thoughtful, artistic cards. You’ve drawn a joke or something that is personal to each of us. That takes time and care.
  9. You are humble. You enjoyed your little closet bedroom at Thanksgiving more than even I thought you would. Your Mom did a lot of work, but it was still a closet. You didn’t mind.
  10. You are not a shopper. I like shopping with you because you enjoy it as much as I do. I just like being with you and you like being with me. You became my ski partner when I couldn’t keep up with your brothers anymore.

#5

  1. You have a self-deprecating sense of humor. You and your husband wore those shark pajamas from your parents and sent the family text chain a picture. It was cute.
  2. You also have a surprising sense of humor. It catches me off guard, and I cannot stifle my laughter. Your “Stepping into a person” at the December wedding made me laugh. I’ve been using it since then.
  3. You are full of life. You enjoy life. Your laugh and smile fill a room with joy. People feed off of your energy. You make things more fun.
  4. You are a fun artist. Yes, you’re skilled, but you also add fun to many of your drawings. A bit of whimsy some might say. I just call it fun.
  5. You are leisurely or something like that. I don’t think anyone enjoyed the actual hiking part of our backpacking trip more than you. You stopped for pictures—getting down and getting pics of individual flowers. You seemed thrilled to just take your time.
  6. I do know this: Nobody enjoyed the rainbow on our backpacking trip more than you. Your joy was contagious.
  7. You are hospitable. You had houseguests for about two weeks, and made them welcome the entire time. I think they were family or something like that, but still, that’s a long time. And you were welcoming.
  8. You are so kind to Laura and me. God has blessed us with fantastic in-laws. You fit into our family so well, and you are so involved. You respond to family texts quickly with emojis and memes.
  9. You’re very crafty. The gifts you sewed you could sell. They looked really good. You are creative and talented.
  10. Your joy in receiving a gift is very satisfying. Not just the Alberta mug, but also watching you open Mom’s gifts was so fun. You make it very enjoyable with your clear joy. That’s an unsung aspect of giving gifts—the joy on the recipient’s face. You make it worthwhile.

#6

  1. You are all in with whatever you do. You took a week to spend with your sisters-in-law and Mom. You could have felt like the odd person out, but you knew you were loved and just jumped in.
  2. You are organized. You make plans like for your husband’s graduation. You think through events. It was very well done. I always knew what was happening next and where.
  3. You love Jesus. I think of that mostly with you which is probably the best thing that could be thought about any of us. You have pursued him through college and after.
  4. Your dancing with your husband at the June wedding was so fun to watch. Neither of you seemed self-conscious at all, not that you should have been. It seemed like pure joy.
  5. You serve so well. At the cabin Laura and I were responsible for breakfasts, but we could hardly do one without you helping us either cook or clean up.
  6. You are thoughtful and you act on it. You bought flowers for a couple whose pet squirrel died, and I know some might laugh, but you recognized their sorrow and loved them.
  7. You work hard at your job. While we were all sleeping in at Thanksgiving, you were getting up even earlier and getting to work.
  8. You work a job you don’t like. I didn’t know that until your husband mentioned it at our “5 Smooth Stones to Kill the Giant of Ingratitude” activity. 😉 It’s not easy to work a job like that. You’ve hung in there when so many workers quit at the first sign a job won’t be enjoyable. I know this job is not forever, but it’s still impressive that your first job after getting a degree is not one you like.
  9. You love Mom and me so well. We know we aren’t your actual Mom and Dad, but you call us that and treat us so warmly. We love it. You are always on the call too when your husband calls us. You don’t leave that to him.
  10. You helped the entire family at the Thanksgiving meal by suggesting the 5 stones activity. That was a very meaningful time together as we expressed genuine thankfulness to God. Mom and I loved hearing everyone’s thoughts.

#7

  1. You listen well. I mentioned it last year, but I keep seeing examples of it. Of course you listen to your wife, but you listen to the rest of us too. When I start a story, you sometimes interject a detail that shows you were listening at another time.
  2. You are a hard worker. Scripture commends the diligent worker (2 Tim 2:4-6). You work your job and then side jobs. You’re not afraid of hard work. I get the idea that vacations are not as fun for you if you don’t have a project—especially if it’s a way to serve others. Helping with the pellet stove is an example.
  3. You are a servant. That is an especially Christ-like virtue. You like to serve others. Laura mentioned all the little projects we’ve done around the house lately, and you said you hoped we saved some for you to do when you got here. And you meant it.
  4. You must be sentimental. No one took as many pictures on our backpacking trip as I did except you. you wanted to remember the beauty and the memories.
  5. You don’t take yourself too seriously, which is to say that you are okay with being razzed. That shows humility.
  6. You don’t place a value on stuff like a lot of young men do. I know that because most men that get married today put off having children for a long time and maybe even permanently. Kids are expensive. But you value them and that’s God honoring.
  7. But you also like quality stuff—especially if it’s American made. And stuff with a story. I’ve heard the story of your boots at least twice (although I forget it). You appreciate quality. You don’t want something that just barely works, but something that will last.
  8. You serve your wife really well. You are a husband that goes the extra mile for her comfort. I saw you repeatedly rubbing her feet on the couch.
  9. You are investing in your spiritual growth. I talked to your mentor/discipler before you married your wife and he described what I thought was true—that you are a young man putting effort into your growth. That pleases God.
  10. You are willing to be uncomfortable to love your wife. You went to the H.S. Formal as chaperones because that’s something Jessica enjoys. I know you danced with her and the kids even though I don’t think that’s your first love. She stretches your comfort zone and you do it.
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A Pastoral Prayer at Christmas

I compose a pastoral prayer each Sunday that I hope teaches my congregation. It hits different emphases each week. We start with a minute of quiet so each attender can confess sin and ask God to prepare his or her heart for worship. It’s been awhile since I’ve done this, but I’ve included a pastoral prayer I prayed at our church in December. Hopefully it encourages you.

Dear Father, We love the birth of Jesus. It reminds us of how humbly he came to earth. The God of the universe robed in human flesh—it’s so far beneath God the Son, but he did it for us. So we celebrate the humble birth of Christ. And not just humble by divine standards; it was also humble by human standards. Jesus was born to a poor family in a small town in a humble stable. That’s not how a king would be born we would think. Yet, Jesus exceeds our expectations in the humility of his birth. Father, thank you for Christ’s birth. He needed to be human so that he could die in our place. Millions of lambs were sacrificed in the years before Christ was born, but not one could ever permanently take our sin away. We needed a human substitute. And Jesus became that human substitute for us. So Father thank you for Christ’s birth.

God, help us to be unselfish this season. We develop such towering and enslaving expectations about what each event should be like, how our family should act and treat us, and how each person should react to our gift giving. There are many more expectations that we can have that we judge others by. They become idols that we serve. We want the perfect Christmas as defined by our expectations. Sometimes they are sinful; other times they are just too big. Most times they are reasonable expectations which makes them so dangerous. We live for them rather than living for your glory. We want others to serve us by meeting our expectations rather than us serving them as Jesus would. You never take a sanctification break on us—even during Christmas. So grant us grace to serve you and not our dreams, desires, and expectations this Christmas.

Father, our country needs Jesus. They need the gospel. So many are lost and blinded by their sin. They pursue what this life has to offer with no concern for its eternal results. There is a real, literal hell of unending pain for those that reject Christ. That is reality. You tell us in Matthew 25:46 that there is both eternal punishment and eternal life. If one is eternal, so is the other. Sins against an infinite God deserve unending punishment. It’s the awful reality of an eternal hell. Please don’t let us get numbed to that reality while we live for the temporal pleasures of this world. Save our relatives, our neighbors, our coworkers, and our friends. If we believe this, then we must obey the Great Commission and tell others about Christ. Give us ample opportunities combined with godly motivation to share the good news—that all can escape hell through Jesus. And may our gospel sharing be fruitful. May we share the gospel because we are so thrilled with Jesus that we cannot help it. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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Why Can’t I Throw Away this Stick?

Nostalgia as Idolatry

Somedays I wish I were more like my youngest son. He seems ruthlessly pragmatic about his possessions. If it’s not helpful… if he doesn’t need it anymore, he gets rid of it. Frankly, it bothers me sometimes. He has thrown away old sports uniforms and Ts from running races. When he graduated from the Air Force Academy, I asked that he give us his Parade Dress uniform since he would probably have chucked it. He was planning to give it to us because he knew Laura and I would want it, but if we didn’t… it would have been in a dumpster at USAFA. (His Parade Pants did end up in the dumpster.)

Maybe he gets it from my wife. Every time we’ve made a ministry move, she has used that to downsize, and I’m thankful for that. I’ve occasionally had to protect some items from her trashing—like a blanket celebrating my sports team’s Super Bowl win! How dare she even consider that! 😉 But mostly I’m thankful that we don’t have a garage full of stuff that we don’t need or use.

I’m not like them. I’m very sentimental. I attach emotional meaning and feeling to objects. I’m nostalgic. Those items represent happy times to me. I have a twig on my shelf that my son (the same son!) carved for me when he was probably 7. He’s 26 now. It’s actually not very good. All he did was sharpen both ends and put some scratch marks on it. And I’ve put it on a bookshelf in three offices I’ve had over the years. I cannot throw it away.

This stick has traveled a thousand miles!

When we vacationed with our kids, we took pictures at state signs and National Park signs. My kids endured that—especially the state signs. Why? Because I’m sentimental. I wanted to remember the good times. We took so many that some we took twice because I didn’t remember we’d already gotten that state sign.

Sentimentality, nostalgia, is not necessarily wrong. I’m glad that I remember fun times with my kids as they were growing up. But I think there can be some problems with being too nostalgic. It can drift into sin.

We remember things as better than they were. I guess that’s a blessing from God that our minds tend to sanitize our memories (one of my seminary professors stated it that way). We remember our family as being happier and our growing up years as being less sinful than they were. But even in the best of families, sin intrudes.

How is this sin? Well, it can be an evidence of pride. I don’t need to change. My family doesn’t need to change. My church doesn’t need to change because everything is great the way it is.

Don’t some churches do this? All the best times are in the past. Every little change (two services, how a classroom is used, what stuff is on the platform, when the offering is taken, and etc.). All of those can trigger people wishing things were the way they used to be. Church members can have an emotional attachment with the way things were. It might be why change is so difficult for some. They just want things to stay the way they were. But maybe you remember them as better than they were. Maybe you need to be uncomfortable for your church to grow.

We neglect enjoying the present OR We are discontented with the present. If I’m always remembering the “good old days,” these present days don’t seem to measure up. I miss out on what God is doing right now. I miss out on how he has showered his grace on me at this moment. It’s an idolatry of the past. I am wired to be very sentimental. I guess you could say that’s a form of gratefulness for the past, but it’s really idolatry of the past. It often means a longing for the past and a discontent in the present. Real gratefulness for life is probably more present tense than past tense.

When my oldest daughter graduated from University, we took dozens of pictures–it seemed every permutation of people possible. After her gown was turned in and on our one thousand mile drive back home, we realized we had not gotten a picture of her with her Mom and me–her parents! My daughter and I cried, yes cried, on the way home. My wife said, “What are you crying about? The entire family is together.” She was content; I was not.

Remembering should lead to gratefulness, not discontent. It did for the Psalmist. 

I shall remember the deeds of the Lord; I will certainly remember Your wonders of old. I will meditate on all Your work, And on Your deeds with thanksgiving. Ps 77:11-12

And it’s one reason why we remember Christ’s sacrifice in the Lord’s Supper.

...and when He had given thanks, He broke it and said, “This is My body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of Me.” 1 Cor 11:24

We get our eyes off Christ. This is the big problem.

Brothers and sisters, I do not regard myself as having taken hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead.... Phil 3:13

Certainly the Apostle Paul forgot past suffering and sin (3:8-10), but he also forgot his past heritage and accomplishments (3:4-7). He forgot the so-called good times so that he could gain Christ. He was running a race; he didn’t have time to look back.

If nostalgia makes me thankful for every perfect gift from God (Jam 1:17), then it’s helpful. If, however, it makes me long for the gift more than the Giver, then it’s taking my eyes off of Christ.

So, Father, help me to be grateful for today. It’s a gift from you. Keep me from idolizing the past. And maybe help me become more like my son and love your Son more.

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Is Forgiveness Conditional or Unconditional?

Or a Case for Attitudinal Forgiveness

A friend asked me a question about forgiveness and while I’ve blogged on this before, I wanted to take another run at this question. I have no illusions that this will put this question to bed, but I hope it is faithful to the Bible and gives some truth to consider. There are good Christians that disagree on this very issue. 

So the question is, if God’s forgiveness is our pattern (Eph 4:32), is His forgiveness unconditional? And the clear answer is no. Jesus doesn’t save everybody; only those that repent. So if that’s the pattern, then should my forgiveness of others also be conditional? Should I expect repentance before I forgive them?

We can put this in the form of a syllogism.

•          Major Premise: We are to forgive as God forgave us. 
•          Minor Premise: God only forgives those that repent.
•          Conclusion: We only forgive those that repent.

That’s the set up for the question, but there are other passages that can make us lean one way or the other. For example, there are incidents in Scripture that would indicate forgiveness is unconditional.

Acts 7:60 (NASB95) Then falling on his knees, he cried out with a loud voice, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them!” Having said this, he fell asleep. 

If their sin is not held against them, then they are forgiven. That’s what Stephen is requesting.

Luke 6:27–28 (NASB95) “But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 

These are Christ’s words in the Sermon on the Mount. Wouldn’t an enemy receiving this kind of love think his sin has been forgiven by you? What’s the difference between this kind of love and actual forgiveness if there is a difference?

Luke 23:33–34 (NASB95) When they came to the place called The Skull, there they crucified Him and the criminals, one on the right and the other on the left. But Jesus was saying, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.” And they cast lots, dividing up His garments among themselves. 

Jesus on the cross is asking the Father to forgive men who didn’t repent and didn’t request forgiveness.

But there are also passages that indicate forgiveness is conditioned on the other person’s repentance.

Luke 17:3–4 (NASB95) “Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. “And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.” 
“Forgive as Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:13).

Those who understand forgiveness to be conditional normally look at forgiveness as a transaction between two parties. They claim if the person hasn’t asked forgiveness, it would be meaningless to make a promise not to bring it up. The offender never requested that. And they base this on Eph 4:32.

I like what John MacArthur says about Eph 4:32, 

To make conditionality the gist of Christlike forgiving seems to miss the whole point of what Scripture is saying. When Scripture instructs us to forgive in the manner we have been forgiven, what is in view is not the idea of withholding forgiveness until the offender expresses repentance. 
The attitude of the forgiver is where the focus of Scripture lies, not the terms of forgiveness. [1]John MacArthur, The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness (Wheaton: Crossway Books, 1998), 118, 119.

There are more passages that help me lean towards attitudinal forgiveness. 

Matthew 6:12–15 (ESV) and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Our forgiveness from God depends upon us granting forgiveness, and there is no mention of whether the person repented or not. I need to lean towards forgiveness with those that sin against me.

James 2:13 (ESV) For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.

We need to be merciful people. Those that aren’t merciful will receive merciless judgment.

Matthew 18:35 (ESV) So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.” 
Luke 6:36–38 (ESV) Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”

God wants us to be forgiving, merciful people. 

Mark 11:25–26 (NASB95) “Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions. “But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your transgressions.”

Forgive even if they haven’t asked for it. Just have a desire to forgive. There is no mention of confrontation.

So I ride the fence and say forgiveness is conditional and unconditional. The reality is that some forgiveness is offered unilaterally and without conditions, while at other times it is a two-way transaction and is only offered when requested. 

Some Sins Are Confronted in Love

In Luke 17:3 and Matthew 18:15-17 there are specific steps to be followed in confronting the offender and at each step if the person repents, the person is forgiven. The final step for the unrepentant is discipline from the church. This is obviously conditional forgiveness.

But not every offense calls for confronting the offender. The Bible gives us another procedure for handling offenses, and this procedure helps me have a forgiving attitude. 

Some Sins Are Covered in Love 

Proverbs 10:12 (NASB95) Hatred stirs up strife, But love covers all transgressions. 
Proverbs 17:9 (NASB95) He who conceals a transgression seeks love, But he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends. 
1 Peter 4:7–8 (NASB95) The end of all things is near; therefore, be of sound judgment and sober spirit for the purpose of prayer. Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. 

And I believe when 1 Cor 13:5 says love doesn’t keep account of a wrong suffered that’s an example of forgiveness without conditions also.

In other words, some sins you choose to forgive without confronting because of your love. When you do this, you are making the same promise (not to bring it up to them or others and not to dwell on it) even though they are not aware of it.

The word cover (kalupto, καλύπτῶ) in 1 Peter 4:8 means to cover up or to remove from sight (BAG and Liddell & Scott). This is what forgiveness does. Covering sin in 1 Peter 4:8 is the same as forgiveness. We know this because of the definition of the word but also because covering sin is equated with forgiveness in other passages.

Psalm 32:1 (NASB95) How blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, Whose sin is covered! 
Psalm 85:2 (NASB95) You forgave the iniquity of Your people; You covered all their sin. Selah. 
James 5:20 (NASB95) let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins. 

“A lost sheep is saved from destruction and his sins (the sins of the restored one, not the restorer) are covered as if a veil were thrown over them. He can move ahead again on the path toward spiritual maturity.” [2]Walvoord, John F., Roy B. Zuck, and Dallas Theological Seminary. The Bible Knowledge Commentary : An Exposition of the Scriptures. Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1983-c1985.

So if in this situation you are actually forgiving the person, then we know that forgiveness is sometimes unconditional (attitudinal) and not conditional (transactional). We are to be forgiving people. In fact, our forgiveness from God is dependent on our forgiving others (Mark 11:25). In this passage forgive is an imperative. Forgiveness is an issue of obedience; it is a choice. There is no mention of confrontation and repentance in this passage.

I believe forgiveness is both conditional and unconditional or transactional and attitudinal. The Bible says both. Ideally the offender admits his sin and seeks forgiveness. But if he doesn’t, I still love my enemies. I overcome evil with good. I cover his sin with love. What does that look like to the offender? It probably looks like forgiveness, right? [3]There’s great stuff on forgiveness in John MacArthur’s book, The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness, and Chris Braun’s book, Unpacking Forgiveness. Chris Braun says it’s only transactional. An … Continue reading 

References

References
↑1 John MacArthur, The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness (Wheaton: Crossway Books, 1998), 118, 119.
↑2 Walvoord, John F., Roy B. Zuck, and Dallas Theological Seminary. The Bible Knowledge Commentary : An Exposition of the Scriptures. Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1983-c1985.
↑3 There’s great stuff on forgiveness in John MacArthur’s book, The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness, and Chris Braun’s book, Unpacking Forgiveness. Chris Braun says it’s only transactional. An offender that never repents and asks for forgiveness can’t be forgiven. MacArthur says at times it’s attitudinal. You need to cultivate a forgiving spirit towards the offender even if he never admits his sin.
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“I Don’t Deserve This”

How do I know if I am self-righteous? I’m concerned with Christian counselees that are focused on their own good deeds, but don’t realize it. For this blog I’m defining self-righteousness as the belief that I have earned some favor with God through my behavior, character, thoughts, or deeds. So how would I know if I’m self-righteous? What would one symptom be?

There might be a few tests, but one is this: do you believe you don’t deserve your past or present suffering? Let me clarify. I’m not saying that if you were sinned against by another person, that you must agree that you deserved that from them. “Kraig, my friend betrayed me and stabbed me in the back. I didn’t do anything to them. I didn’t deserve that.” Yes, on a human scale—peer-to-peer—there are things that we don’t deserve. That happens all the time. A husband may yell at his family when it’s completely unprovoked. An employer may fire you just because he can and you didn’t deserve that. You could even be accused of a crime and go through the court system when you are not guilty.

But if you look at your past or present trials and believe that you don’t deserve them, then you are probably self-righteous. Here’s why I believe I can say that. In order to think that you don’t deserve what has been providentially brought into your life, you must believe also that you have lived in a way that deserves better from God. You are living by a spiritual formula that says good Christians don’t suffer the way you’re suffering. You’re a good Christian, so God owes you the easy, blessed life. God has disappointed you.

But that’s incorrect. What do each of us deserve because of our sin? We deserve hell. Isn’t anything less than hell—even suffering and trials—better than what we deserve? So God owes you nothing. And God has given you a lot! He’s already given you everything in Christ. You have all spiritual blessings in Christ.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, Eph 1:3 (NASB95)

Any good, and I mean any good thing in your life has come from God.

Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow. Jam 1:17 (NASB95)

So he’s given you a lot of good that you don’t deserve. You cannot plead that you don’t deserve this or that suffering.

Now maybe you object that King David seemed to plead with God in several psalms that he didn’t deserve what he was facing. It does seem that way. But I think we find that David pleads for God’s mercy. Mercy by definition is undeserved.

David pleaded God’s mercy after his adultery with Bathsheba. Of course this is David’s psalm of repentance so he was acknowledging his sin. He knew he didn’t deserve God’s mercy.

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. Psalm 51:1 (ESV)

But we see other examples of David pleading for mercy. David prayed for God’s mercy when he fled from Saul. He didn’t claim that he didn’t deserve this since he was God’s servant and therefore God should change his circumstances. No, he asked God for mercy.

Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by. Psalm 57:1 (ESV)

In Psalm 86 David prays for God’s mercy.

But You, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, Slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness and truth. Turn to me, and be gracious to me; Oh grant Your strength to Your servant, And save the son of Your handmaid. Psalm 86:15–16 (NASB95)

David seems to do both in this psalm: point out he deserves help and also pray for mercy.

Preserve my soul, for I am a godly man; O You my God, save Your servant who trusts in You. Be gracious to me, O Lord, For to You I cry all day long. Psalm 86:2–3 (NASB95)

So David claims he is a godly man, but he also asks God for grace. His godliness didn’t mean he was undeserving of his circumstances. He knew he needed God’s mercy, and he asked for it.

Jeremiah hoped in God’s mercy after describing his own suffering in poetic detail.

This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope. The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. Lam 3:21–23 (NASB95)

Can you ask God to end your trial? Of course you can. But we don’t demand anything from God as if we deserve better than what we’re facing. We cannot make that claim. Thankfully God is abundantly merciful, and it’s his mercy we plead when we pray, not our deserving better circumstances.

So if your regular thought has been how you deserve better than what you’ve experienced, maybe you’re self-righteous. At least consider that you might be. And if so, you should repent of your self-righteousness. It’s better to plead God’s mercy anyway. His compassions fail not Jeremiah tells us. His mercies are renewed every morning. And we can come confidently to him and ask for mercy. Confidently?! Yes, confidently!

Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Heb 4:16 (NASB95)