Category: Marriage

Grow in Gratefulness for Your Family

For years I’ve assigned a thankfulness project to counselees where they write down reasons they are grateful for their present circumstances or for a particular person. It’s something I’ve used in my own life too. The first time I did it with my family was about 15 years ago. It’s become an annual event that I normally finish around Christmas. It started with 10 one-word descriptions and has morphed into a short paragraph for each of 10 reasons I’m thankful for each member of my family. This year I presented it to my kids and their spouses on a Facetime call on December 25.

The Apostle Paul is my example—he was quick to express thankfulness for his ministry colleagues and the churches he wrote. He even noticed reasons to praise the more difficult churches. And since these were letters that were read in church, his praise was public.

Philemon 4, 7 (NASB 2020) I thank my God always, making mention of you in my prayers… For I have had great joy and comfort in your love, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you, brother. [speaking of Philemon]

Philippians 2:25 (NASB 2020) But I thought it necessary to send to you Epaphroditus, my brother and fellow worker and fellow soldier, who is also your messenger and minister to my need… [Epaphroditus carries this letter back to Philippi where his praise is read publicly.]

The title of this blog is a made-up word that I want to mean 10 Thanks or 10 Blessings. It’s just what we have always called it. How does it happen? During the year I notice reasons to be thankful for my family and I write them down—normally with an example of that reason. The list below might fuel some of your own reasons for thankfulness. While God has blessed Laura and I with great relationships with all of our kids and spouses, this might even be a more necessary exercise in a difficult relationship.

Other than my wife’s name, the rest are identified only by a number. That’s why it might sound a little impersonal. It’s not impersonal when I read it to them. This list includes my own children and my children’s spouses. I don’t expect you to read them all; just breeze through it, but I hope it’s an encouragement to you to do something similar. God is sovereignly behind the composition of your family, and it’s good to express gratefulness for them. Start it now and you’ll be ready by Christmas 2026 or even earlier!

Laura

1. You love your kids well. Your speech about our son at his rehearsal dinner was saturated with love. All the kids know and feel your love.
2. You are a problem-solver. When life hands us lemons, you figure out a way to make lemonade. I’m thinking of our daughter trying to get out of Spokane on standby last January. You just think of all the angles and come up with a good solution. I love that you are good at solving problems.
3. You are my biggest cheerleader. You love every sermon I preach and find it very difficult to be objective, and I love that. You encourage me in ministry over and over. You comfort me when I’m discouraged and point me to Christ.
4. Genesis 2 tells us that Eve was created to be Adam’s helper and you are an incredible helper to me. You look for ways all the time to make ministry easier for me, like driving the car, so I can work. Or doing minor home maintenance, so I have more down time. You often do things just to make my life easier. You make appointments for me, coil up the hoses for the winter, etc. You look for ways to give me more time for ministry and more time to relax at home.
5. You are the glue that keeps the family together. Yes, it is Christ, but you point us to him. And you’re the one that is most like Christ. You draw us all in.
6. I loved how you served our daughter for her wedding—especially during the outdoor pictures. It was so hot and humid, and you stayed out there with her until the end. You just serve so well.
7. You are so thoughtful. You justified a lot of expenses in preparation for the kids coming at Thanksgiving. I love that you made that big closet so comfortable for our single daughter. I love the little extra things like giving all the girls money for shopping and slippers for everyone.
8. You are so physically affectionate and our entire family benefits, but me most of all. My family hugged, but it wasn’t really our first language. You massage hands and heads, play with hair, and give hugs to your children. You sit close to me, and I like it.
9. You are a great hostess; very hospitable. You are the sole reason I can meet that qualification in 1 Tim 3:2. For our Deacon-Staff Christmas Party you planned everything—even the games! You had cutely wrapped gifts for all the deacon couples. The house was beautifully decorated. It was very comfortable for everyone. You host baby showers at our house, and everyone feels so comfortable.
10. You forgive well which shows that you know and love the gospel. I’ve needed forgiveness from you thousands of times and you always give it. You know the definition so you don’t say it without also doing it. You don’t hold sin against me.

#1

1. You jump in where needed. You organized your brother’s Top Golf event after the rehearsal on the fly even though you were not the Best Man. And he loved it. We all loved it. You knew that could be a special memory for him and you made it happen. It’s a sign of your willingness to take on responsibility, even if it’s not yours.  
2. You have talents that come out so quickly. You started crocheting and produced a gift-worthy hat in a week! You get an interest and before long you’ve become adequate and then eventually skilled. You started the guitar during Covid and are good enough to play accompaniment at church. You just have surprising talents. You can get skilled in a hobby faster than anyone I know. You started whittling and I could recognize what you were carving very quickly. You sewed a canopy for your beach cover. You got into 3-D printing and made useful stuff. I started guitar and never got any good at it. You’ve moved on after getting skilled in more hobbies than I’ve ever even started.
3. You work hard behind the scenes. You received a Navy Achievement medal (gold star) because you worked with the Naval Reservists. A thankless job that required lots of work. You don’t care about getting noticed.
4. You are a people person; you enjoy being with other Christians at church, a park, a home, and a restaurant. You enjoy people and Christ loves people too so you’re in good company.
5. You pursue Christ well. You know you need to grow and you want to grow. You go to small groups and men’s groups and read books and have devotions. You love Jesus.
6. You enjoy serving others by being tech research. Maybe it’s just me, I don’t know if others take advantage of this. But I will have a question about a technology, and you will get busy figuring out if it’s a wise purchase, change, or help to me. You think of things that I don’t even know exist. You got me a hub for my MacBook when I didn’t even know that was something to buy. It’s made my work easier at church.
7. You were sick over Thanksgiving, but didn’t let that stop you from enjoying the time. You were up with all of us even though you didn’t feel well. You made very few compromises (e.g., not hiking).
8. We played your Nintendo Switch a lot. You knew it would be enjoyable and both the guys (golf) and the girls (Just Dance) enjoyed it. You thought about what would make our family time more enjoyable. I wouldn’t have thought of that, but it was a blast. You want to maximize the fun we have.
9. You are generous. You value loving others more than not spending money. You’re quick to buy a gift or pick up a bill. You value the right things.
10. You are creatively thoughtful. Your 3-D printed gifts for each of us were fun for you as you thought of what each of us would appreciate. They were just fun, simple gifts that took into account our varied interests.

#2

1. You love your family and think the best about them. I noticed this again when you spoke at your brother’s rehearsal dinner. You went long because you had a lot to say. You say nice things because you think nice things.
2. You are grateful. Mom and I gave our meager contribution to finance your wedding and you were thankful for it. In fact, you were amazed and grateful.
3. You are an excellent English teacher. Your students love you; you have great rapport. And you also expect them to work hard. Your school is fortunate to have you.
4. You have always been a great babysitter because you love kids and they love you. You have a knack for getting to them. Some children are standoffish and shy and you just take that as a special challenge. It can be such a tangible way of loving others that are ignored by some.
5. You value motherhood. That’s not rare in our family, but in the modern world it is. You love the idea of being a mother, and in part, that’s because you had such a wonderful Mom and you want to be like her. But also it’s because you value what God values.
6. You are a thoughtful gift giver. Your Mom and your Grandma were the same. It’s a selfless, generous quality. The obvious example is when you organized the photo shoot at Thanksgiving. While you were doing that behind the scenes, I expressed interest in the same idea on my own initiative with the same photographer! I had no idea you were making this happen, but you knew I would really like that. AND I DID!
7. You know your Mom very well. You call her regularly and enjoy shopping with her. You are my go to for gift ideas for Mom. And you have good ideas because you know her interests.
8. You are so involved in your church. I still love that you essentially moved to FL for the church and found a job to match. That’s opposite of almost all Christians.
9. You are spontaneous. I called you during my church’s ABF hour and you were willing to be put on speakerphone with the 150 people that were there. You’re up for spontaneity.
10. You don’t fear being in front of people. (See number 9 ;). You are on the regular rotation for music ministry at your church. You speak publicly at small groups and at your siblings’ weddings. That can be a very vulnerable and selfless trait.

#3

1. You adore your wife. You look at her with such love, and that is a wonderful trait. No one can doubt that you enjoy her. That’s loving like Christ loved the church.
2. You apply truth to your life. Our guy’s conversation about the latest chapter in a book often reveals how you’re trying to live it.
3. You like to be productive. If your job isn’t very demanding at the time, you will get your realtor’s license. You actually did that! You don’t waste a lot of time.
4. You have become quite the encourager. On our backpacking trip you were regularly telling your sister that she was doing great. And she was, but none of us were going as fast as you and your wife could have gone by yourselves. Yet, you were encouraging.
5. You get stuff done in a purposeful way. You don’t wander around in your life; you’re always working towards something. You’ve thought through reasons to do what you do.
6. I think you are the most disciplined in the family. I look at Garmin and you run three miles like clockwork. You apply the same discipline to your spiritual disciplines. It doesn’t matter if you’re on vacation, you are still going to get your Bible out and spend time with God.
7. You love your wife so well. I said earlier that you adore her and you do. But biblical love is more than just adoration. You are sacrificial and sensitive. You had a hard trial this year, and we saw you at Thanksgiving just loving your wife with such comfort. You gave her what she needed.
8. You are driven by the right things. It warmed my heart that you had a personal mission statement that became your family one. You like to live with eternity in mind.
9. You are insistent on serving God at your church. You and your wife were involved in the youth ministry in MN and after moving to Ohio, you quickly got involved with Awana. God is worthy of our service, but many young couples are too busy to serve. I’m glad this is a priority for you.
10. You love the gospel. All of us were crying as you extemporaneously gave the gospel at your reception. It was sweet and Christ-honoring. I’ve watched that video a couple of times since then because it just encapsulates your heart for the gospel.

#4

1. You are fine with being in the background. You don’t have to have the spotlight. You are spotlight-worthy (as all my kids are ;), but you don’t need it. I asked you to sing at Christmas and you are willing, but you would be fine letting someone else do it.
2. You are a servant. You rode back with us to WA after your brother’s wedding and helped us drive. 1500 miles is a long trip! You serve. I loved your story of offering to sing specials at the churches in Peru at 9:30am and Barb said, “How about this morning?” And you did! And every Sunday and Wednesday afterwards you sang.
3. You’re willing to have uncomfortable conversations. When that young driver hit your car, his Dad wanted to talk to me about your accident, and you were okay with that. But you told him how you wanted it handled. You are not afraid to talk to people. You stayed with the Missionaries in Seattle when you hadn’t met them before.
4. You have an international heart; I think a missions heart. You do enjoy international travel, but you enjoy having a purpose in it. Helping medical missions in Peru this summer is an example. Your Bibles International internship in Mexico a few years ago is another. Your desire to do something like that every summer shows you love the lost of the world.
5. You love your family and don’t find it hard to express that in really meaningful words. Your speech at your sister’s reception was outstanding. It was the best one I think. Very thoughtful.
6. You are careful with finances. You’ve been able to save money because you can say no to yourself. You actually have an impressive amount saved considering your income. You don’t spend more than you have.
7. You are quick to use your musical talents. You were involved in your church cantata. John H. asked you to sing with him a week before it was due and you quickly agreed. God is pleased with singing for him.
8. You are thoughtfully creative. We’ve probably all received your thoughtful, artistic cards. You’ve drawn a joke or something that is personal to each of us. That takes time and care.
9. You are humble. You enjoyed your little closet bedroom at Thanksgiving more than even I thought you would. Your Mom did a lot of work, but it was still a closet. You didn’t mind.
10. You are not a shopper. I like shopping with you because you enjoy it as much as I do. I just like being with you and you like being with me. You became my ski partner when I couldn’t keep up with your brothers anymore.

#5

1. You have a self-deprecating sense of humor. You and your husband wore those shark pajamas from your parents and sent the family text chain a picture. It was cute.
2. You also have a surprising sense of humor. It catches me off guard, and I cannot stifle my laughter. Your “Stepping into a person” at the December wedding made me laugh. I’ve been using it since then.
3. You are full of life. You enjoy life. Your laugh and smile fill a room with joy. People feed off of your energy. You make things more fun.
4. You are a fun artist. Yes, you’re skilled, but you also add fun to many of your drawings. A bit of whimsy some might say. I just call it fun.
5. You are leisurely or something like that. I don’t think anyone enjoyed the actual hiking part of our backpacking trip more than you. You stopped for pictures—getting down and getting pics of individual flowers. You seemed thrilled to just take your time.
6. I do know this: Nobody enjoyed the rainbow on our backpacking trip more than you. Your joy was contagious.
7. You are hospitable. You had houseguests for about two weeks, and made them welcome the entire time. I think they were family or something like that, but still, that’s a long time. And you were welcoming.
8. You are so kind to Laura and me. God has blessed us with fantastic in-laws. You fit into our family so well, and you are so involved. You respond to family texts quickly with emojis and memes.
9. You’re very crafty. The gifts you sewed you could sell. They looked really good. You are creative and talented.
10. Your joy in receiving a gift is very satisfying. Not just the Alberta mug, but also watching you open Mom’s gifts was so fun. You make it very enjoyable with your clear joy. That’s an unsung aspect of giving gifts—the joy on the recipient’s face. You make it worthwhile.

#6

1. You are all in with whatever you do. You took a week to spend with your sisters-in-law and Mom. You could have felt like the odd person out, but you knew you were loved and just jumped in.
2. You are organized. You make plans like for your husband’s graduation. You think through events. It was very well done. I always knew what was happening next and where.
3. You love Jesus. I think of that mostly with you which is probably the best thing that could be thought about any of us. You have pursued him through college and after.
4. Your dancing with your husband at the June wedding was so fun to watch. Neither of you seemed self-conscious at all, not that you should have been. It seemed like pure joy.
5. You serve so well. At the cabin Laura and I were responsible for breakfasts, but we could hardly do one without you helping us either cook or clean up.
6. You are thoughtful and you act on it. You bought flowers for a couple whose pet squirrel died, and I know some might laugh, but you recognized their sorrow and loved them.
7. You work hard at your job. While we were all sleeping in at Thanksgiving, you were getting up even earlier and getting to work.
8. You work a job you don’t like. I didn’t know that until your husband mentioned it at our “5 Smooth Stones to Kill the Giant of Ingratitude” activity. 😉 It’s not easy to work a job like that. You’ve hung in there when so many workers quit at the first sign a job won’t be enjoyable. I know this job is not forever, but it’s still impressive that your first job after getting a degree is not one you like.
9. You love Mom and me so well. We know we aren’t your actual Mom and Dad, but you call us that and treat us so warmly. We love it. You are always on the call too when your husband calls us. You don’t leave that to him.
10. You helped the entire family at the Thanksgiving meal by suggesting the 5 stones activity. That was a very meaningful time together as we expressed genuine thankfulness to God. Mom and I loved hearing everyone’s thoughts.

#7

1. You listen well. I mentioned it last year, but I keep seeing examples of it. Of course you listen to your wife, but you listen to the rest of us too. When I start a story, you sometimes interject a detail that shows you were listening at another time.
2. You are a hard worker. Scripture commends the diligent worker (2 Tim 2:4-6). You work your job and then side jobs. You’re not afraid of hard work. I get the idea that vacations are not as fun for you if you don’t have a project—especially if it’s a way to serve others. Helping with the pellet stove is an example.
3. You are a servant. That is an especially Christ-like virtue. You like to serve others. Laura mentioned all the little projects we’ve done around the house lately, and you said you hoped we saved some for you to do when you got here. And you meant it.
4. You must be sentimental. No one took as many pictures on our backpacking trip as I did except you. you wanted to remember the beauty and the memories.
5. You don’t take yourself too seriously, which is to say that you are okay with being razzed. That shows humility.
6. You don’t place a value on stuff like a lot of young men do. I know that because most men that get married today put off having children for a long time and maybe even permanently. Kids are expensive. But you value them and that’s God honoring.
7. But you also like quality stuff—especially if it’s American made. And stuff with a story. I’ve heard the story of your boots at least twice (although I forget it). You appreciate quality. You don’t want something that just barely works, but something that will last.
8. You serve your wife really well. You are a husband that goes the extra mile for her comfort. I saw you repeatedly rubbing her feet on the couch.
9. You are investing in your spiritual growth. I talked to your mentor/discipler before you married your wife and he described what I thought was true—that you are a young man putting effort into your growth. That pleases God.
10. You are willing to be uncomfortable to love your wife. You went to the H.S. Formal as chaperones because that’s something Jessica enjoys. I know you danced with her and the kids even though I don’t think that’s your first love. She stretches your comfort zone and you do it.