Category: Counseling

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Is Forgiveness Conditional or Unconditional?

Or a Case for Attitudinal Forgiveness

A friend asked me a question about forgiveness and while I’ve blogged on this before, I wanted to take another run at this question. I have no illusions that this will put this question to bed, but I hope it is faithful to the Bible and gives some truth to consider. There are good Christians that disagree on this very issue. 

So the question is, if God’s forgiveness is our pattern (Eph 4:32), is His forgiveness unconditional? And the clear answer is no. Jesus doesn’t save everybody; only those that repent. So if that’s the pattern, then should my forgiveness of others also be conditional? Should I expect repentance before I forgive them?

We can put this in the form of a syllogism.

•          Major Premise: We are to forgive as God forgave us. 
•          Minor Premise: God only forgives those that repent.
•          Conclusion: We only forgive those that repent.

That’s the set up for the question, but there are other passages that can make us lean one way or the other. For example, there are incidents in Scripture that would indicate forgiveness is unconditional.

Acts 7:60 (NASB95) Then falling on his knees, he cried out with a loud voice, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them!” Having said this, he fell asleep. 

If their sin is not held against them, then they are forgiven. That’s what Stephen is requesting.

Luke 6:27–28 (NASB95) “But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 

These are Christ’s words in the Sermon on the Mount. Wouldn’t an enemy receiving this kind of love think his sin has been forgiven by you? What’s the difference between this kind of love and actual forgiveness if there is a difference?

Luke 23:33–34 (NASB95) When they came to the place called The Skull, there they crucified Him and the criminals, one on the right and the other on the left. But Jesus was saying, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.” And they cast lots, dividing up His garments among themselves. 

Jesus on the cross is asking the Father to forgive men who didn’t repent and didn’t request forgiveness.

But there are also passages that indicate forgiveness is conditioned on the other person’s repentance.

Luke 17:3–4 (NASB95) “Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. “And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.” 
“Forgive as Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:13).

Those who understand forgiveness to be conditional normally look at forgiveness as a transaction between two parties. They claim if the person hasn’t asked forgiveness, it would be meaningless to make a promise not to bring it up. The offender never requested that. And they base this on Eph 4:32.

I like what John MacArthur says about Eph 4:32, 

To make conditionality the gist of Christlike forgiving seems to miss the whole point of what Scripture is saying. When Scripture instructs us to forgive in the manner we have been forgiven, what is in view is not the idea of withholding forgiveness until the offender expresses repentance. 
The attitude of the forgiver is where the focus of Scripture lies, not the terms of forgiveness. [1]John MacArthur, The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness (Wheaton: Crossway Books, 1998), 118, 119.

There are more passages that help me lean towards attitudinal forgiveness. 

Matthew 6:12–15 (ESV) and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Our forgiveness from God depends upon us granting forgiveness, and there is no mention of whether the person repented or not. I need to lean towards forgiveness with those that sin against me.

James 2:13 (ESV) For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.

We need to be merciful people. Those that aren’t merciful will receive merciless judgment.

Matthew 18:35 (ESV) So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.” 
Luke 6:36–38 (ESV) Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”

God wants us to be forgiving, merciful people. 

Mark 11:25–26 (NASB95) “Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions. “But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your transgressions.”

Forgive even if they haven’t asked for it. Just have a desire to forgive. There is no mention of confrontation.

So I ride the fence and say forgiveness is conditional and unconditional. The reality is that some forgiveness is offered unilaterally and without conditions, while at other times it is a two-way transaction and is only offered when requested. 

Some Sins Are Confronted in Love

In Luke 17:3 and Matthew 18:15-17 there are specific steps to be followed in confronting the offender and at each step if the person repents, the person is forgiven. The final step for the unrepentant is discipline from the church. This is obviously conditional forgiveness.

But not every offense calls for confronting the offender. The Bible gives us another procedure for handling offenses, and this procedure helps me have a forgiving attitude. 

Some Sins Are Covered in Love 

Proverbs 10:12 (NASB95) Hatred stirs up strife, But love covers all transgressions. 
Proverbs 17:9 (NASB95) He who conceals a transgression seeks love, But he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends. 
1 Peter 4:7–8 (NASB95) The end of all things is near; therefore, be of sound judgment and sober spirit for the purpose of prayer. Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. 

And I believe when 1 Cor 13:5 says love doesn’t keep account of a wrong suffered that’s an example of forgiveness without conditions also.

In other words, some sins you choose to forgive without confronting because of your love. When you do this, you are making the same promise (not to bring it up to them or others and not to dwell on it) even though they are not aware of it.

The word cover (kalupto, καλύπτῶ) in 1 Peter 4:8 means to cover up or to remove from sight (BAG and Liddell & Scott). This is what forgiveness does. Covering sin in 1 Peter 4:8 is the same as forgiveness. We know this because of the definition of the word but also because covering sin is equated with forgiveness in other passages.

Psalm 32:1 (NASB95) How blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, Whose sin is covered! 
Psalm 85:2 (NASB95) You forgave the iniquity of Your people; You covered all their sin. Selah. 
James 5:20 (NASB95) let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins. 

“A lost sheep is saved from destruction and his sins (the sins of the restored one, not the restorer) are covered as if a veil were thrown over them. He can move ahead again on the path toward spiritual maturity.” [2]Walvoord, John F., Roy B. Zuck, and Dallas Theological Seminary. The Bible Knowledge Commentary : An Exposition of the Scriptures. Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1983-c1985.

So if in this situation you are actually forgiving the person, then we know that forgiveness is sometimes unconditional (attitudinal) and not conditional (transactional). We are to be forgiving people. In fact, our forgiveness from God is dependent on our forgiving others (Mark 11:25). In this passage forgive is an imperative. Forgiveness is an issue of obedience; it is a choice. There is no mention of confrontation and repentance in this passage.

I believe forgiveness is both conditional and unconditional or transactional and attitudinal. The Bible says both. Ideally the offender admits his sin and seeks forgiveness. But if he doesn’t, I still love my enemies. I overcome evil with good. I cover his sin with love. What does that look like to the offender? It probably looks like forgiveness, right? [3]There’s great stuff on forgiveness in John MacArthur’s book, The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness, and Chris Braun’s book, Unpacking Forgiveness. Chris Braun says it’s only transactional. An … Continue reading 

References

References
↑1 John MacArthur, The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness (Wheaton: Crossway Books, 1998), 118, 119.
↑2 Walvoord, John F., Roy B. Zuck, and Dallas Theological Seminary. The Bible Knowledge Commentary : An Exposition of the Scriptures. Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1983-c1985.
↑3 There’s great stuff on forgiveness in John MacArthur’s book, The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness, and Chris Braun’s book, Unpacking Forgiveness. Chris Braun says it’s only transactional. An offender that never repents and asks for forgiveness can’t be forgiven. MacArthur says at times it’s attitudinal. You need to cultivate a forgiving spirit towards the offender even if he never admits his sin.
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“I Don’t Deserve This”

How do I know if I am self-righteous? I’m concerned with Christian counselees that are focused on their own good deeds, but don’t realize it. For this blog I’m defining self-righteousness as the belief that I have earned some favor with God through my behavior, character, thoughts, or deeds. So how would I know if I’m self-righteous? What would one symptom be?

There might be a few tests, but one is this: do you believe you don’t deserve your past or present suffering? Let me clarify. I’m not saying that if you were sinned against by another person, that you must agree that you deserved that from them. “Kraig, my friend betrayed me and stabbed me in the back. I didn’t do anything to them. I didn’t deserve that.” Yes, on a human scale—peer-to-peer—there are things that we don’t deserve. That happens all the time. A husband may yell at his family when it’s completely unprovoked. An employer may fire you just because he can and you didn’t deserve that. You could even be accused of a crime and go through the court system when you are not guilty.

But if you look at your past or present trials and believe that you don’t deserve them, then you are probably self-righteous. Here’s why I believe I can say that. In order to think that you don’t deserve what has been providentially brought into your life, you must believe also that you have lived in a way that deserves better from God. You are living by a spiritual formula that says good Christians don’t suffer the way you’re suffering. You’re a good Christian, so God owes you the easy, blessed life. God has disappointed you.

But that’s incorrect. What do each of us deserve because of our sin? We deserve hell. Isn’t anything less than hell—even suffering and trials—better than what we deserve? So God owes you nothing. And God has given you a lot! He’s already given you everything in Christ. You have all spiritual blessings in Christ.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, Eph 1:3 (NASB95)

Any good, and I mean any good thing in your life has come from God.

Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow. Jam 1:17 (NASB95)

So he’s given you a lot of good that you don’t deserve. You cannot plead that you don’t deserve this or that suffering.

Now maybe you object that King David seemed to plead with God in several psalms that he didn’t deserve what he was facing. It does seem that way. But I think we find that David pleads for God’s mercy. Mercy by definition is undeserved.

David pleaded God’s mercy after his adultery with Bathsheba. Of course this is David’s psalm of repentance so he was acknowledging his sin. He knew he didn’t deserve God’s mercy.

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. Psalm 51:1 (ESV)

But we see other examples of David pleading for mercy. David prayed for God’s mercy when he fled from Saul. He didn’t claim that he didn’t deserve this since he was God’s servant and therefore God should change his circumstances. No, he asked God for mercy.

Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by. Psalm 57:1 (ESV)

In Psalm 86 David prays for God’s mercy.

But You, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, Slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness and truth. Turn to me, and be gracious to me; Oh grant Your strength to Your servant, And save the son of Your handmaid. Psalm 86:15–16 (NASB95)

David seems to do both in this psalm: point out he deserves help and also pray for mercy.

Preserve my soul, for I am a godly man; O You my God, save Your servant who trusts in You. Be gracious to me, O Lord, For to You I cry all day long. Psalm 86:2–3 (NASB95)

So David claims he is a godly man, but he also asks God for grace. His godliness didn’t mean he was undeserving of his circumstances. He knew he needed God’s mercy, and he asked for it.

Jeremiah hoped in God’s mercy after describing his own suffering in poetic detail.

This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope. The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. Lam 3:21–23 (NASB95)

Can you ask God to end your trial? Of course you can. But we don’t demand anything from God as if we deserve better than what we’re facing. We cannot make that claim. Thankfully God is abundantly merciful, and it’s his mercy we plead when we pray, not our deserving better circumstances.

So if your regular thought has been how you deserve better than what you’ve experienced, maybe you’re self-righteous. At least consider that you might be. And if so, you should repent of your self-righteousness. It’s better to plead God’s mercy anyway. His compassions fail not Jeremiah tells us. His mercies are renewed every morning. And we can come confidently to him and ask for mercy. Confidently?! Yes, confidently!

Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Heb 4:16 (NASB95)
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What a Blanket Taught Me About My Heart

Have you heard of Pendleton Blankets? I hadn’t until a few weeks ago. Laura and I were at a regional pastors conference in Cannon Beach, OR. It was our first time to this conference and we met another couple who had been in this church association in the Pacific Northwest for about a year—just like us. While talking about places to see, the wife mentioned that Pendleton Blankets were made in Oregon. We hadn’t heard of them, so she told us how they are American-made wool blankets with creative designs that sell for $300 to $550 and are made by Pendleton Woolen Mills in Pendleton, OR. It’s a company that has a history in the Pacific Northwest—they’ve been making blankets since 1909, and they have a special niche for National Park blankets. Their Glacier National Park blanket began production in 1916. You’ve probably seen it on TV or in a movie.

It was an interesting conversation, but, honestly, I’ve never thought about the blankets we have in our house probably ever.  

We were driving home and serendipitously saw a Pendleton Outlet so we stopped. We saw the blankets (and shirts, coats, and sweatshirts, but especially the blankets). The sales lady offered to roll out any blanket we wanted. This is not the type of store where you can unroll a blanket yourself. We left the store without spending any money. That was a victory.

I don’t think I’ve ever coveted a blanket before. As long as it kept me warm, I’ve never given it a thought. My wife has wanted a particular duvet or quilt or bedspread because it fit the aesthetic she has created in a particular room, but that’s not really been of interest to me.

Until now. As we drove away I really, really wanted a Pendleton blanket. I settled on the Zion National Park one because I liked the colors, the simple design, and our family has visited that park.[1]I’ve since changed my mind and coveted another design. My heart got me again! When our kids were in our house, we visited lots of National Parks. I wanted that one, but I would have been “happy” with the Glacier NP or the Grand Canyon NP or even one of their other designs. I could see it nonchalantly tossed across our downstairs sectional, beckoning to be used on a cold winter night.

We had a several hour drive to get back home, and after I imagined how I would get one, I started to reflect. I went from never having heard of a Pendleton blanket to coveting one pretty quickly. Literally a fortnight ago I didn’t know they existed; 13 days ago I had to have one!

My heart, like yours, is discontent and covetous. Now maybe you’re still not tempted by Pendleton blankets. Good for you. But I know you have your custom designed desires too. I know this because James says so.

But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. James 1:14 (NASB95)

“His own” translates the Greek word from which we get our English word, idiot. It doesn’t mean stupid in Greek. No, it means a person that goes their own way. James is saying that we have designer desires. Things that tempt us that don’t necessarily tempt others. Maybe you live for respect and affirmation more than your spouse does. Maybe you love custom cars. Lots of people couldn’t care less about custom cars. Maybe you like Pendleton blankets. Turns out I do.

And what’s amazing is my heart can go from apathetic/content to covetous in about 90 seconds. Jesus is good, but a Pendleton blanket seems even better. I know it’s silly, but that’s how my heart is wired by my sin. Yours is too.

Haven’t you heard about the accomplishment of a child in another family and suddenly you wanted your kid to accomplish that too? Maybe you never thought about your kid winning the Inter-Oregon Cheese Princess title before (I made it up), but now you want the acclaim that comes with having a Cheese Princess in the family. Only you’re saddled with a talentless kid that could never be a Cheese Princess. 😉

Or maybe another mother is relating the thoughtfulness of one of her children, and you want that same thoughtfulness to come from your own child. But your child isn’t that thoughtful. In fact, he seems especially selfish. He would never do what this other kid did, but now you want that. And you’re soon discontent with your child–you know, the one God gave you.

Or it’s a vacation in a location you never even heard of before but one of your Facebook friends posted her pictures, and now you can’t be content with going to Wisconsin again. I don’t know what your Pendleton blanket is—I didn’t even know what mine was until two weeks ago, but I know you will have one. You will be tempted. Your heart is wired for greed, for covetousness, just like mine. The only difference, according to James 1:14, is what we covet.

My heart is twisted. When I covet a Pendleton blanket, my heart doesn’t find satisfaction in what Jesus has already provided me. It doesn’t find satisfaction in Jesus. I forsake the fountain of living water and pursue a broken cistern that can’t hold any water (Jer 2:13).

Father, help me find satisfaction in Jesus. May my quickly covetous heart remind me that Jesus is better. May Pendleton blankets remind me that I have all I need in Jesus.

…In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever. Psalm 16:11a (NASB95)

References

References
↑1 I’ve since changed my mind and coveted another design. My heart got me again!
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Getting Hangry

My wife has accused me of getting hangry. I thought it was a more recent word, but its first recorded use was over 100 years ago. It’s an example of a portmanteau—a blending of two words to create a new word. It’s someone that gets irritated when they get hungry.

She sees it before I do, but I know when she sees it because in the midst of my “impassioned” words she says something like, “Well, let’s get you some lunch.” Which normally is not a response that would be expected to the topic of discussion. 😉 And, ironically, is sometimes something that I get angry about.

So… is my problem my hunger? I don’t normally eat breakfast, so I do get hungry by lunch. But is my problem hunger? Or is it that my hunger exposes my heart?

This is an actual picture of my wife and me having dinner in the ’50s. 😉

Pretty much anything Paul David Tripp writes I want to read. He communicates biblical truth so clearly and practically that all of us can understand it. This is never more true than in his 22-year-old book, Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands. In preparing for a discussion group this week I read this quote again.

Why do people do the things they do? Is my problem fundamentally an informational one? Will a well-researched, logical set of insights provide the solution? Or is my problem fundamentally experiential? Will dealing with my past solve my problem? Is my problem fundamentally biological? Will helping me achieve chemical balance solve my problem? Or is there something beneath all these things that is more deeply wrong with me? Scripture’s answer to this last question is a clear, resounding, “Yes!”[1]Paul D. Tripp, Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands: People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R, 2002), 9.

And of course our problem is sin—sins done by us, done to us, and the effects of sin in our world. We are sinners and sufferers.

But what I love about this quote is how he addresses several popular models of counsel. Some think you just need the right information to change. If you just know certain things, you will be different. This is how our world thinks about the sin of racism. Just know that our differences are really only skin deep and you will treat that other person with kindness. And certainly information can help. There is no virtue in ignorance.

But racism is sin so just more information isn’t enough to change us. That actually diminishes our need of Jesus. We have to be changed by Him.

Or is your problem your past? Well biblical counselors believe that the past can influence your present. We’re not robots going through life unaffected by what we’ve experienced. We just don’t believe that Freud was right in putting all the emphasis on your past. That’s not where the action is according to Scripture. The action—why you do what you do—is in the heart (Mk 7:14-23).

Or is your problem medical? Do you struggle with life because your brain is wired wrong and needs some chemical intervention? Whether that’s helpful or not is a question for another blog, but that’s not your fundamental problem. Biology cannot make you sin. If it could, then why did Jesus need to die for you?

All of those (ignorance, experience, biology) are actually outside influences on your soul. They can influence you, but they cannot control your response of right or wrong. They can make obedience harder, but they don’t make it impossible.

Just like my hunger doesn’t make kindness impossible. It’s important that we realize our fundamental problem is sin. When we do, the gospel becomes more and more precious to us.

References

References
↑1 Paul D. Tripp, Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands: People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R, 2002), 9.
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Just Smile More

I was greeted in the dining hall line that day at Bible College by a friend who was smiling big. That was notable because she wasn’t really known for her smile. That’s not a criticism. Some people, like my wife, have a beautiful, sparkling smile that they share with everybody. [That’s her in this blog.] Others are more like me—I have to think about smiling. My resting face is a scowl. This friend’s smile was between my wife’s smile and my own. Maybe the reason we were friends is because we shared similar senses of cynicism and sarcasm.

But she was smiling brightly and told me why. “A friend told me that I needed to smile more and be happier and so I am.” I probably said something like, “Oh, sounds good” and we got our food. On the inside I might have been thinking, “good luck with that.”

I’ve thought about that simple exchange over 30 years ago just recently. Some Christians—I am one of them—have the tendency to mistakenly believe we can change ourselves with just the right amount of willpower. Not smiling enough? Just work at smiling more. Spending too much time on social media? Just stop it. You can do it. Struggling with pornography? You don’t need to tell anyone. You can defeat this on your own. And wouldn’t that be better than admitting your sin to a friend and asking for help?

We do need to put effort into our growth. The New Testament is clear on that.

Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure. Phil 2:12–13 (ESV)

Work out your salvation means to put effort into your growth; to work hard at change. But it’s always God’s work in you that actually results in your work making you more like Christ. 

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me. 1 Cor 15:10 (ESV)

Paul gives us a grace sandwich. It was God’s grace—but he worked harder than anyone—but it was the grace of God. The lazy Christian is not a growing Christian. We have to work.

But you have never changed yourself. It is always the Spirit through Scripture that changes you. So if you’re struggling with a besetting sin, it’s better for you to pray more than to work more. Prayer shows dependence upon God. Of course you need to do both: pray and work. But it’s God’s work that makes your work effective. We don’t even want to change (Phil 2:13) unless God changes us. He has to give us even the desire to change (“to will and to work”).

Why is this so important? Why write a blog on a smile from 30 years ago? Because this view of sanctification emphasizes me and my work, not God and his work. It’s a gospel problem because the gospel doesn’t go far enough. It gives me a future, but I don’t really need it right now. I’m able, through my own willpower, to change myself. Not very happy; decide to be happy and presto, I smile more.

You and I need the gospel for our salvation, but also our sanctification. Your salvation should work out in your sanctification. The gospel changes you (2 Cor 5:17) and keeps changing you. Are you stuck? Don’t put on a big smile. Work hard and ask God to make your work effective.

I’ve written on imitations of biblical growth that aren’t real growth here.