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It Kinda Looks Like Biblical Growth, but…

My oldest daughter famously found her mother’s lipstick when she was about two years old, and she thought she knew what to do with it. I remember sitting in front of my desktop computer as she glided into the den with lipstick approximately on her lips. Clearly she didn’t know exactly where her lips were. She thought she looked so growny (a Southern expression that means grown up), but she actually looked like a cute little kid. It kinda looked like growth, but it wasn’t.

For the biblical counselor, not just any change will do. It’s possible for your counselee to experience change that doesn’t glorify God but does kinda look like real spiritual growth. It happens all the time with unbelievers. AA does help many quit drinking which is a net benefit to society. I’m thankful for every drunk that quits drinking. But it isn’t change that glorifies God.

And our change does need to honor God. Listen to how Paul prays for the Philippian believers.

Philippians 1:9–11 (ESV) And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, 10 so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, 11 filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.

Paul expected Christians to grow (cf. Col. 1:9-11). He says in verse 11 that the type of change that he is praying for results in the glory and praise of God. It’s possible for your counselee to change in a way that doesn’t glorify God. There are all sorts of ways to change that don’t result in praise and honor for God. Here are some examples.

Substitutes For Biblical Change

Change by willpower—I can do it myself. Lots of Christians attempt to change themselves this way, and some succeed. But it’s not change that glorifies God. Pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps glorifies you, not God. Some very disciplined counselees seem to accomplish this. However, when you change by your own willpower, you proclaim that you don’t need God’s grace.

Change through circumstances—I will be different if I am in a different situation. “If my wife would get off of my back, I wouldn’t get so angry.” “If we just had separate bank accounts, my wife and I wouldn’t argue about the finances.” Changing jobs, changing churches, or changing families doesn’t change you.

Change by spookiness—“I will just let go and let God. I don’t have to do anything; God will magically change me.” Hmm…I think God gave us a lot of commands in the New Testament that he expects us to work at obeying. Another more subtle version might be, “I will pray really hard that God would change me.” Good, but not enough.

Change by decision—I lay it all on the altar. I make a series of decisions during revivals or missions conference or other special services at my church. But a decision is just the beginning of the change process. It is not change itself.

Change by man-centered means—self-esteem or other worldly theories. “If I just felt better about myself, I wouldn’t do that.”

Change by exchange—This is a popular one. This is where you just trade one idol for a more socially acceptable one. You quit finding your comfort in food and now you find it in eating right and dieting. You’re the poster boy for good health, but all you’ve done is rearrange the furniture of your life. You quit finding your comfort in shopping and now you find it in how well you manage your finances. You quit finding your escape in alcohol, and now you find it in mindlessly watching YouTube videos. You’ve exchanged one way of obtaining your idol for another one, but you haven’t given up your idolatry.

None of these methods are the story of sanctification. Most of them are unbiblical. Therefore, we cannot use them to change ourselves or our counselees.

So what is God-glorifying spiritual growth? Well that needs to be the subject of another blog, but what we can say is there is a human-divine dynamic in spiritual growth. God prunes us (John 15:2), but growth is not one-dimensional—it’s not all about what God does. Every Christian has a responsibility too; we must put effort into our growth. Always being dependent upon God to change us, but it only happens as we work at it. You work hard, but you have never changed yourself. It’s always been God’s work in you. It’s responsible dependence.

We see that clearly in Colossians 1:29 (cf. Phil 2:12-13) where Paul says, For this I toil, struggling with all his energy that he powerfully works within me. (ESV)

Christian growth is never the two things we want it to be: fast and easy. And maybe that’s why some of those substitutes are so tempting. They promise a quicker route to growth. But it takes hard work. Why else would the Christian life be described as a walk (Gal 5:16), a race (1 Cor 9:24-27), a wrestling match (Eph 6:10-12), and a fight (2 Tim 4:6-7)? Each of those metaphors pictures struggle and difficulty and effort.

Don’t take shortcuts to spiritual growth that aren’t really growth after all. Make sure your counselees understand their dependence upon God and their responsibility to God.

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Young Man, Pursue Holiness; Pursue Humility

As I’ve prayed for my two adult sons over the past few months, my main requests have been alliterated: that they will grow in holiness and humility. My premise is that these two virtues are especially necessary in young men today.

Of course pride and lust are not just the temptations of young men, but they do seem to be especially prevalent in young men. When I was a temptable teen, it was hard to get pornography, and the few times I was exposed to it weren’t enough to develop an ungoverned habit. While sexual lust is a temptation for me—I doubt I’ll ever outgrow that in this life, I have a decades-long habit of fighting it. Young men today are exposed to pornography earlier and longer than I was at that age.

That’s why today no one is surprised when a young man is snared by internet pornography. In fact, it’s the rare young man that isn’t. He’s the oddity. So holiness might seem an obvious prayer for young men.

But I also pray for my sons to grow in humility. I don’t think this is nearly as important to most parents as it should be. We fear our child being caught by pornography, but we don’t care that much about pride. In Scripture, pride seems the bigger concern of God. He hates it (Prov 6:16-19). It’s interesting that in that list sexual sin isn’t even mentioned. It’s sin so surely God hates it too, but it didn’t make the top seven of that list in Proverbs. Pride did.

In one epistle we find both holiness and humility commanded.

1 Peter 1:14–16 (ESV) As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, 15 but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, 16 since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”

The Apostle Peter tells us that children of God shouldn’t pursue their former lusts. That means more than just sexual lust, but it means that as well. Looking at pornography in a darkened room by the light of a screen is not holy conduct. It’s anti-holy behavior. Instead, pursue holiness because God is holy.

Later, Peter also talks about humility.

1 Peter 5:5–6 (ESV) Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” 6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,

Here Peter addresses young men specifically and tells them to be clothed with humility. In fact, they are commanded to humble themselves. There’s a warning and a promise. The promise is that at the right time, God exalts the humble. The warning is that God is opposed to the proud. To the degree that a man is proud, to that degree God resists him.

I believe pride is linked to pornography in two ways: First, the young man given to porn imagines that others exist to please him with their bodies. He’s the sun in his universe. But others don’t exist for you; they exist for God’s glory. Porn is selfish, not selfless.

Second, the lustful man doesn’t get help unless he humbly admits his sin to someone else. Those that try to fight porn in the dark, don’t win. The shame of this sin prevents many proud young men from ever getting victory. Growing in humility helps growing in holiness.

That’s backed up by a helpful phrase in 5:5 that says God gives grace to the humble. Do you need grace to fight porn? Then humble yourself under God’s mighty hand. He lavishly gives grace to the humble.

So, young man, pursue holiness and humility.

The young Christian man that is both holy and humble will be refreshing to his pastor, his friends, and his family. But mostly, he will be pleasing to his God.

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Moses on Leadership

It seems that there are just a few weeks, maybe months, between evangelical leaders being exposed for tragic sins. The latest is just the latest, not the last. Dig into them and there always seems to be some combination of unaccountable authority, overweening pride, and presumed entitlement—the unholy trinity of sinful leadership.

And those faults are as old as leaders in Scripture. But there is at least one man that is recognized for his humility. “Now the man Moses was very meek, more than all people who were on the face of the earth” (Num 12:3 ESV).

Recently a godly man who greatly influenced my ministry philosophy received a leadership award for his lifetime of service in Christian ministry. One comment made in his tribute video was that he was talking about servant leadership before it was popular. And that’s so true. He was talking about it in the ’80s, and he got pushback from some ministry leaders then that thought authoritarian leadership was necessary in evangelicalism. Sadly, conservative evangelicalism is still in awe of those leaders with big personalities and big results. The meek man, the humble man, the servant, well… he’ll often get passed over.

This description of Moses occurs in the context of his authority being criticized by siblings, Aaron and Miriam which makes it especially noteworthy. How many Christian leaders respond with meekness when being unjustly criticized? In light of all the moral failures of evangelical mega-ministry leaders, Moses’ meekness is surprising. We don’t promote many meek men. Humble men don’t rise to the top of our churches and evangelical institutions.

It has been God’s grace to me that I never pastored a large church, nor led a large ministry, nor had a big name in conservative evangelicalism. I believe the list of men who can handle that is far smaller than the list of men that want it. Like most seminarians, I dreamed of importance. One of my college professors said of Diotrephes in 3 John, “The loving of prominence and the longing for preeminence is in every one of us.”

I was thrilled to hear that this man received an award for his lifetime of humble service. But I also felt something else for a brief moment. I was disappointed that I would never get an award like that. That no one would ever recognize me as a servant leader–because I’m not one. And I want the recognition. The longing for preeminence indeed.

Moses’s meekness isn’t just in contrast to mega-ministry leaders, it’s also in contrast to me. I want glory; I want importance. But being known as a meek, humble leader, well, really, what could be better than that?

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The Hidden Life Is Not the Godly Life

My children are all adults now, but I remember when the younger two went through a period where they liked my wife to play hide and seek with them. It was a fun game that was made more fun by the fact that my two youngest were such lousy hiders—like all little kids are. They loved to hide in plain view. They loved to get caught.  They giggled when you got near them. They hid in the very last place my wife hid in. And of course, they wanted all the lights on when they played. Basically, every rule that makes a good hider they violated.

It’s okay because it’s just a game of hide and seek.

Too often in marriage counseling I encounter the couple that hides things from each other. In fact, occasionally they want to include me in their deceit. “Now don’t tell my wife this, but….” Some couples hide things big and small from each other. It’s one reason why their marriage is a mess. They’re adversaries, not teammates. But other couples, many couples, hide small things from each other. It’s the belief that a small lie is not harmful to a relationship.

I see it in couples I counsel, but I also see it in myself. In my first pastoral position I was an assistant pastor in a suburb of Denver. My wife and I normally went to bed at the same time, but occasionally, as we were about to get into bed, I would tell my wife I needed to do something quick in the home office. I would do it and then get in bed.

When my wife would ask what I was doing, I would say something non-committal.

Want to know what I was doing? It’s probably not what you think. I was reading my Bible. I would go to the office, open my Bible, read a verse or maybe two, close it, and go back to the bedroom. I was ashamed that I was an assistant pastor that had managed to go the entire day without reading the Bible at all. I didn’t want my wife to know I was that kind of guy; that some days I didn’t read God’s Word. It was hiding and it was wrong, so I eventually told her.

I didn’t want her to know who I really was. But choosing dishonesty pushed us farther apart, not closer together.

The hidden life, no matter how small, is not the godly life.

In a passage where the Apostle John talks about God’s essence being light and uses that to encourage us to walk in the light, he drops this.

1 John 1:7 (ESV) But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.

We would expect in this passage that John would say that walking in the light leads to greater fellowship with God, and that’s true (1 John 1:9). But isn’t it surprising that this passage says walking in the light leads to greater fellowship with other believers?

Walking in the light means not hiding or evading. it means being honest about who and what I am. Dishonesty moves us away from people. Walking in the light moves us closer. So no small amount of hiding is insignificant.

The recent revelations about Ravi Zacharias have saddened us all. But one part of it didn’t surprise me. When the board examined the initial accusations against him in 2016, it’s been widely reported that he had 3 phones and wouldn’t turn any of them over to the board. It happens over and over again with unfaithful spouses. A spouse that doesn’t let the other spouse see their phone is a bad sign. What is he hiding on his phone?

That’s the dramatic example, but what small, seemingly insignificant thing are you hiding from your spouse? Is it the pre-supper Big Mac (probably the greatest sandwich American ingenuity has ever developed)? Is it a conversation you had with one of your kids? Is it an Amazon purchase? Is it a traffic ticket? Is it a show that you stream until she walks in the room? Every choice to hide is a choice to move further from your spouse, not closer.

Our God is light and he wants us to walk in the light (1 John 1:5-2:2). Come out into the light. You’ll enjoy more genuine fellowship with other believers–especially those closest to you.

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Creatively NOT Trusting God

What Are Our Substitutes? What Are Our False Remedies? What’s the Almost Right Answer?

Christians know that trusting God is both important and hard. It’s a daily struggle in the little and big ways that our plans go awry. So we do some things that are the almost right answer, but we convince ourselves that they are the right answer. What are some of those? Here’s my observations.

I’m Not Worried, I’m Just Concerned–A Healthy Concern (Ps 20:7)

Psalm 20:7 (ESV) Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.

Some will claim that they aren’t worrying, they just have a “healthy concern.” What does that mean? I want control. When I don’t have control over something, I worry about it. If I can get myself to a place where I have control, then I don’t have to trust God for it anymore. When I can pay my bills, I am tempted to quit trusting God for them. I see this in the Christian that does all they can do and then trusts God for what they cannot do. They don’t have control over what they cannot do, so they trust God for that limited part.

Here’s the problem: I need to trust God for even the part that I can do. I may do it wrong. I might not be as wise as I think I am. It might turn out differently than I planned. My circumstances might change, so I’m not able to do what I did before. I trust God for all of it. This is the “God helps those that help themselves” philosophy. No God doesn’t. He helps those that cannot help themselves.

So even that which I think is within my power and control, I must trust God with. I cannot depend upon my own efforts for any of it.

Any time I take the situation into my own hands and determine that I must solve this, I am in danger of not trusting God. I do need to make plans, but I cannot trust my plans (Jam 4:13-17). When I start thinking that my effort and plans are foolproof and I just need God to do the part I cannot do, I’m no longer trusting God. It might look like I am, but I’m really not.

God Will Take Care of It; I Can Sit Back–Pious Fatalism (Ps 127:1)[1]Jerry Bridges discusses this in his excellent book, Trusting God Even When Life Hurts (Colorado Springs: Navpress, 1988), 107, 112-113.

This is another thing that looks like trust, but really isn’t. If God’s going to get done what He wants done anyway, then I don’t need to do anything goes the thinking. I don’t need to witness to my co-workers. If God wants them to get saved, they will get saved anyway. So I do nothing, but I claim that I’m doing nothing because I’m trusting God. I make no plans. I’m negligent with my responsibilities, but I claim it’s because I’m trusting God.

“But the knowledge of His sovereignty is meant to be an encouragement to pray, not an excuse to lapse into a sort of pious fatalism” says Jerry Bridges. Because God is sovereign, He is able to answer our prayers. He is able to use our weak efforts to accomplish great things for His glory.

God’s sovereignty is not an excuse for us to do nothing. We don’t know what God’s sovereign plan is in a specific situation; therefore, we should use all biblical means at our disposal to work towards what we believe to be a good result. While we do that, we recognize that His sovereign plan will be accomplished with or without our efforts. God’s control over all things is not an excuse to shirk our responsibilities.

Trusting God is a razor’s edge balancing act. I do need to plan for retirement for example, but I cannot trust my plans. I also can’t do nothing (unless God hasn’t provided me the opportunity to do anything) and call that trust either.

Psalm 127:1 (ESV) Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.

Psalm 127: 1 reminds us that it’s not if God blesses their efforts that the house will be built and the city will be secure. The psalmist speaks as if God must do it all. Yet the builders and the watchers would be negligent if they did nothing. They must do something. Bridges says, “We must depend upon God to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. We must, to the same degree, depend on Him to enable us to do what we must do for ourselves.” “There are times when we can do nothing, and there are times when we must work. In both instances we are equally dependent upon God.”

I’m Trusting God for My Preferred Result–A False Savior (Is 45:9; Rom 9:21)

Isaiah 45:9 (ESV) “Woe to him who strives with him who formed him, a pot among earthen pots! Does the clay say to him who forms it, ‘What are you making?’ or ‘Your work has no handles’?

Romans 9:21 (ESV) Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use?

This looks like I’m trusting God. I will pray really hard that what I think needs to happen will happen. I will say that I’m trusting God to see my preferred result. But I’m not really trusting God because I will be discouraged if I don’t get my result.

Anytime I am trusting God only for a specific outcome, I’m not trusting God. I am trusting what I think will save me in this circumstance. That’s why I call it a false savior.

What does this look like?:

  • We’re trusting God that He will heal our relative’s cancer. What if it’s not his will? Some Christians die of cancer? Can you trust God with that outcome?
  • I’m trusting God to provide me a husband. What if He doesn’t?
  • I’m trusting God that I will get that job. What if God wants you to have a different job?
  • I’m trusting God that this conflict with my parents will be worked out. What if it isn’t (Rom 12:18)?
  • I’m trusting God that we’ll be able to get a house closer to the church? What if you can’t?
  • I’m trusting God that we’ll be able to have children some day. What if you can’t?
  • I’m trusting God that my brother will trust Christ some day. What if he doesn’t? Is God still good?

This really looks like trusting God to us. In fact, we even say that we’re trusting God. But what we’re really saying is that we know what the right outcome is in this circumstance and God is the One that can provide that outcome; therefore, we’ll trust Him to provide that outcome and that outcome alone. But really trusting God means I accept any outcome as coming from His all wise, loving, and sovereign hands, not just the outcome I prefer.

So I can certainly pray for my preferred outcome. But am I trusting God if I’ll only accept that outcome from Him? He knows best, and I must submit to his will; not He to mine.

In my ministry these are some of the false substitutes for trusting God that I’ve seen in my heart and in others that I have counseled. They’re deceitful because they are the almost right answer. They sound like trusting God, but they are really trusting our own efforts, or trusting our plans, or just pious laziness.

Are there any you would add to this list?

References

References
↑1 Jerry Bridges discusses this in his excellent book, Trusting God Even When Life Hurts (Colorado Springs: Navpress, 1988), 107, 112-113.