Category: Counseling

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Should I Pause a Difficult Conversation with My Spouse?

I’ve been asked this question, and I suppose some might say the obvious answer is yes, and that’s often true. A pause can allow both spouses to collect their thoughts. It can be a useful tool to prevent further sinning in a conversation. If we’re not finding a solution, it can give us time to brainstorm other ideas. Those are all good uses of a conversational pause.

But we are sinners and certain dynamics in some marriages make this a more complicated question. A hypothetical Christian couple can do this. However, an actual Christian couple brings their conversational history into it, so they may not be able to do it.

Our sin is so deceptive. We can justify it at times as if it’s actually godliness. So we pause a conversation ostensibly to help us both get control of our emotions and keep from sinning against each other, but maybe it’s actually a way of exiting a difficult conversation when I’m not getting the agreement I want. So I’m claiming the pause is to edify, but it’s actually to control.

Let’s talk about some dangers first.

Dangers:

  • You pause so that you can prove to be the better person.

It’s not your struggle; it’s hers. Beware of anything that puts you in the place of the superior person. Beware of how subtle pride can be. Pride is the sin we are most blind to (1 Cor 10:12; Rev 3:17).

  • It could be a way of controlling the discussion and your spouse.

If you’re the one predominantly calling for the timeouts, it puts you in the driver’s seat. You are controlling if, when, and how you talk about difficult topics. You are a conversational dictator.

  • It can be a way of preventing your spouse from disagreeing with you and/or speaking freely to you.

Any time the conversation gets too personal, or gets too close to your sin, you put a halt to it. You might claim that your spouse is getting upset and it’s for her good. It becomes a conversational weapon rather than a tool to edify.

If you honestly think through your motivations (maybe asking your spouse for her input), and these dangers don’t apply, then consider how best to institute a pause.

Guidelines for Pausing Conversations:

These are just practical tips. I hope they are a help.

  • It’s understood to be an unusual activity. It cannot be a regular discussion tool.

If you cannot get through a difficult conversation with your spouse without pausing, then you probably need the assistance of a wise mentor, pastor, or biblical counselor. Habitually pulling this card will likely be seen as condescending or controlling. You’re ending conversations when you sense sin in your spouse. It’s very convenient because it also allows you to avoid difficult topics that might expose your heart (Mt 15:18; Mk 7:20-23).

  • The process is described beforehand and agreed to by both.

For example, I will raise my hand when I think we might need to pause. The other person talking will stop and give me a chance to explain why I want a pause. If the non-pausing spouse has sinned, they will admit and ask forgiveness.

I’m not necessarily suggesting these; but you need some guidelines for how to pause.

  • No pausing to avoid disagreement. That’s not a reason to pause.

 Just because you don’t like the topic or it is an area of regular disagreement in your marriage, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about it. Those are the types of conversations that spiritually mature couples should be able to have.

  • The person sinning ultimately calls the timeout. Not the person sinned against. And especially not the person presuming the other will sin before they’ve sinned.

If you are consistently pausing when you notice sin in your spouse, it will appear condescending and it probably is. It’s as if you are saying, “I have the discernment to see where you are headed; you don’t. I’m level-headed and you are emotional and headed towards anger.” So you  cut her off before she sins. It’s better for the sinning spouse to call for a pause to avoid further sin.

  • You have to be willing to have difficult conversations with heightened emotions. Your spouse must know that you will let her disagree.

I’m not saying that yelling and name calling are acceptable in a conversation with your spouse. They never are. I am saying that just because one or both of you is passionate/emotional is not a reason to stop talking. You’re different personalities. One of you might get more passionate, but passion alone doesn’t mean we are sinning in how we speak. Follow through as long as it is heading towards a solution.

We have to talk to solve problems. It’s not an option to sweep stuff under the rug. We cannot pretend problems don’t exist. And we must not use pausing a conversation to avoid difficult topics. A pause can be a helpful, occasional tool if we’re honestly trying to edify each other.

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What Does It Mean to Own Your Sin?

My bike got stolen. When I was a kid my Dad bought a new 24” bike for me from Kmart with only a few stipulations. I was supposed to lock it up each night in the garage. This was the era when Huffy made bikes that looked like dirt bikes. Mine was black and had racing numbers on it. It was cool!

Well, I didn’t lock it up every night. I left it in the yard overnight regularly, and one night it disappeared. A second stipulation was that if it got stolen, my dad wouldn’t buy me another one. I was on my own. I spent a summer running everywhere and earning money for a new bike. Finally I had enough to buy a 10-speed. I didn’t lock it in the garage; I brought it into the house, down the stairs, and into the basement every night. Yes, every night. And it never got stolen. I still had it when I went to college. I was responsible for that bike. I owned it. You could say I owned the one that was stolen, but I violated the first rule of ownership—I didn’t take responsibility for it.

What does it mean to own your sin? Someone asked me this. I told them that owning his sin would make his marriage better, and he thoughtfully asked what does that mean?

I’ve also had a Christian not like that word. They told me that their sin doesn’t identify them anymore, and it’s forgiven, so why should they own it? I’m using the word not as an identity statement, but referring to responsibility. Do you take responsibility for your sin?

And I think owning is an illustrative metaphor for that idea. If you own a car, you are responsible for it. You have to make the payments, get the insurance, and get it new tires when it needs them. No one else is responsible for your car, only you. No one else is responsible for your sin, only you are.

Ezekiel taught us this in a graphic way.

“The person who sins will die. The son will not bear the punishment for the father’s iniquity, nor will the father bear the punishment for the son’s iniquity; the righteousness of the righteous will be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked will be upon himself. Ezekiel 18:20 (NASB95)

So if owning my sin is taking responsibility for it, then what are some signs I’m owning my sin?

You Don’t Point Fingers

There is no sin against me that excuses my sin. There are some awful, tragic ways that sinners sin against each other. I’m not dismissing those at all. But I cannot excuse my sin because of someone else’s sin. No sin against you justifies your sin.

So owning my sin means I don’t point fingers at others. I don’t look at their sin against me or their “worse” sin as making mine acceptable.

This is especially tempting in marriage. Families like to point fingers at each other and justify themselves. The husband says he wouldn’t be sarcastic if his wife didn’t embarrass him in front of others. She says she wouldn’t yell if her kids would just do what they’re told. And the kids claim they wouldn’t be so disrespectful if their dad wasn’t so passive. Everyone is pointing fingers at someone else. Every family can become the Spider-man Pointing meme.

So where are you pointing fingers at others?

You Don’t Resent Accountability

We need accountability. We need another Christian to care enough to tell us that we are wrong in a gentle but firm way. We need intervention. We need other believers.

But we don’t like accountability. We don’t want to be asked tough questions. We don’t want others intruding into our lives and expecting us to change. But God expects us to change. He commands intervention (Gal 6).

Accountability doesn’t work if the person being held accountable doesn’t want it. Paul Tripp has said that you cannot hold a runner accountable. They need rebuke. A sinner that owns their sin doesn’t run. They expect to be called on their sin. They hate their sin and want to be rid of it.

The sinner that owns their sin will appreciate, yes appreciate, accountability.

So where are you resisting accountability? Where do you think accountability is good for others, but not for you?

You Don’t Fight Consequences

Often when we fight consequences we are downplaying how serious our sin is. This is why the formerly adulterous husband can cringe when his wife asks where he’s been. This is why the teen who has asked for help with his pornography can still fight losing his phone privileges. This is why the addict can fight giving up his credit cards and cash and living on an allowance.

We all like to believe that when others commit the same sin, their version of it was worse than ours and deserves consequences. But our sin… no way. Why can’t those around you see that you’ve changed and remove the consequences? That’s how we like to think. But when I own my sin, I know there are consequences. And I’m okay with that. I’ve earned them.

Where are you fighting consequences? Where do you think your consequences are too harsh?

You Don’t Completely Forget the Past

The Apostle Paul did tell us that he forgot those things behind (Phil 3:13-14), but he couldn’t have meant that he forgot all about his past at all times. We know this because he’s also the apostle that told us about his life before Christ. His forgetting didn’t mean never remembering it. 

Paul also regularly reminded us of who we were (Eph 2:1-3; Col 1:13, 21, etc.) before Christ. Why would he do that if we’re supposed to completely forget the past?

So the Christian that owns their sin doesn’t completely forget the past. They don’t live in it, but they also know that remembering who they were humbles them. Remembering how they blew it can protect them from it happening again. After all, without God’s grace it could happen again. In your own strength, you are the person that could commit that sin.

Where are you desperately trying to forget the past? Where are you too quick to believe you are not at all that person anymore?

I’m sure there are more signs of owning our sin, but these are enough to challenge me. Do you own your sin?

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Are There Gendered Sins?

My Bible College president scared me in dorm devotions. I think my Bible College experience was fairly typical for the time (late ‘80s early ‘90s) in this respect: consistently the guys were warned in chapels and dorm devotions about the dangers of pornography. In fact, it was presented as a characteristically male sin—women didn’t struggle with it. I never heard of a girl student at our college that was into pornography, but too many guys were. Of course it was less available then than it is now. We were warned about magazines, which were more difficult to get and keep hidden. But I remember our college president righteously indignant—probably over hearing of another pastor friend’s moral failure—speaking in our dorm devotions and shocking me about the dangers of porn. It was so formative and shaping that I told my Dad about that dorm devotional. He responded by writing a letter to the college president thanking him for scaring me!

Youth pastors were told that porn is something you must confront for the guys in your youth group, and really only the guys. Teen boys, they were taught, in general were tempted by sight, and teen girls were tempted by touch. It was taught as if it were pretty much an exclusively male temptation, and I believed it was then.

However, for the past three years my wife worked in Student Life at a Bible College counseling young women, and she was surprised how many girls struggled with sexual sins. Others have seen this change too. One of my good ministry friends preaches at Christian Camps and he says it’s almost an equal percentages of males to females who struggle with porn. It turns out it’s not exclusively a male temptation—maybe not even a greater temptation for men than for women. All it took was easy availability on phones for women to struggle with this temptation too. So it was really never a sin that was just for men. Apparently with opportunity it was actually a fairly equal problem.

Yet the Apostle Paul warned Timothy, a young man, to “flee from youthful lusts” (2 Tim 2:22) Does this indicate it’s more a male problem? They weren’t described as “Timothy lusts” but “youthful lusts.” It still seems to me that men are more wired this way than women even though women seem to be catching up.

During this same time in the ‘80s and ‘90s women would be warned about immodesty much more than men. Is immodesty more a female temptation than a male temptation? I would have thought so then. Is it true (as I would have been taught in my college days) that men stumble easier visually than women do? Maybe it’s so, but I’m not sure this is as good an example of a gender-specific sin (either the women’s immodesty or the men’s leering) as I would have believed then. Christian women do think about modesty more than Christian men do. Christian men need to think about it; women struggle with sexual lust too.

Another example from the ‘80s is gossip. I heard preaching then as if gossip were mostly a female temptation, but I’ve attended enough pastors conferences to know that gossip isn’t just for women. Men like gossip too.

So are there some sins that are more tempting to one sex than the other? I’m not asking if men or women are the greater sinners. Scripture doesn’t differentiate between the sexes that way; both sexes struggle with sin equally. I’m asking if some sins are more tempting to men than women and vice versa?

Each Sex Has Role-Specific Temptations

I am a complementarian so I believe that men and women are equal but have different God-given roles in marriage. Genesis 3 teaches us that women and men will struggle with sins specific to their roles.

To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.” Genesis 3:16 (ESV)

The wife will be tempted to resist her husband’s leadership, and the husband will be tempted to be oppressive in leadership. And probably every pastor’s experience bears this out. They counsel women who are not satisfied with how their husbands are leading their families, and they resist the husband’s leadership. But of course submission is not the main problem in those marriages. A wife’s submission almost never is. It is almost always a husband that is an insecure leader, or too controlling, or too passive–a failure to spiritually lead as he’s called to do. The wife’s unsubmission often indicates a husband’s unbiblical leadership.

But even under the best leadership, Genesis 3:16 teaches us that wives at times will struggle to follow their husband’s leadership. And it teaches that men will be tempted to use their role to oppress wives. But even these are not exclusively male or female sins. Men often struggle with submission to authority (think government, employers, and to pastors [Heb 13:17]), and women can be tempted with abusing power they have over others (think children or authority in employment).

Each sex has role-specific temptations that are exclusive to the commands of Scripture. That makes them a kind of gender-specific temptation. It’s not that women can’t be tempted to oppress and men can’t be tempted to be unsubmissive, but those temptations are not natural to their roles. They occur outside of their biblical roles in the family.

And in the sins that are not just sins but also illegal, men are “leaders” in all of them. Men are way more likely to rape, sexually assault, verbally abuse, and murder. None of those are common sins for all men (other than as a form of oppression, which does tempt men), but when those sins are committed, it’s disproportionately by men. So some men are more tempted by those sins than women are. That’s an example of men using their physical strength to oppress others. They have greater opportunity because of their physical power and they use it not to serve, but to abuse.

Men and women both serve lusts but men are more likely to use physical strength/intimidation to serve them and women are maybe more likely to use softer means since they don’t have physical strength.[1]I hesitate to mention examples of those softer means for fear of being misunderstood. However, I’ll let John Piper say it. 😉 “…you might say that both men and women have sexual … Continue reading

All People Have Custom, Individual Temptations

In a section on temptation James says…

But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. James 1:14 (ESV)

“His own” is a translation of a Greek word whose root is idios (ἴδιος). It’s the word we get “idiot” from, but it doesn’t mean stupid in the New Testament text. It means one’s own possession or property. James is saying that we have custom temptations that are individual to each of us. James doesn’t distinguish between men and women even though he claims we have customized desires. The Apostle Paul concurs.

For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. Titus 3:3 (ESV)

We weren’t slaves to the same passions and pleasures. They were individual; they were designer lusts. So each of us has customized temptations. There are things that tempt me that may not tempt you at all, or don’t tempt you in the same way, or don’t tempt you with the same intensity. And that has nothing necessarily to do with gender.

So I am tempted with sins that are different than tempt my wife, but that’s not because of our genders. Don’t read this as me trying to tear down distinctions between the sexes because I also believe we are tempted with sins that are rooted in our gender-specific God-given roles. And those necessarily require them to be gender-specific temptations.

This is barely a beginning word on this, much less a final word. Use the comments to help me refine this.

References[+]

References
↑1 I hesitate to mention examples of those softer means for fear of being misunderstood. However, I’ll let John Piper say it. 😉 “…you might say that both men and women have sexual longings. But their peculiarities will tempt them to pursue those in sinful ways that are different. The man’s superior strength might tempt him to use force to get what he wants sexually (called rape) instead of using his strength to protect and to care for the woman. And the woman, being the “weaker vessel,” as Peter describes it (1 Peter 3:7), might be tempted to be more subtle and manipulative to get what she wants sexually. So, there are differences between male and female. And there are, therefore, different temptations that they might face. Ask Pastor John, Episode 1836, September 16, 2022, https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/whos-more-sinful-men-or-women, Accessed July 28, 2023
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Easy Christlikeness

Some Christians think that because they love those that like them, they are being Christlike. And probably they are. In fact, some Christians outside of Christ would be unkind even to those that like them—they would give evil for good. They are rascals. I was one of those rascals before Christ. That is a change that the gospel makes in us.

But that’s the low hanging fruit of sanctification. Jesus said that even unbelievers love those that love them (Luke 6:32). It’s not that hard.

It’s much more difficult to be Christlike with those that dislike us.

Once I saw a social media post where some friends in a ministry I love were slandered quite unjustly. I knew all the players on both sides of the issue. I’m unfortunately thoroughly up to speed on the attacker (and those that commented approvingly) and on those being attacked.

My response? To think angry thoughts towards the poster. And it was easy for me to excuse. I justified it because of their sinful life.  

But how quickly my thoughts turn to anger rather than love. How quickly I become defensive of the people I love (or myself) with nary a thought of praying for the attacker. In these situations the Spirit has used Romans 12 to convict me many times.

Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Rom 12:17–21 (ESV)

This is one reason I know I am far, far from becoming like Christ. I find it very difficult to repay good for evil. I don’t have it in me to love my enemies, but Jesus said that is what I must do.

“But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. Luke 6:27–28 (NASB95)

The next verse tells me to turn the other cheek when someone strikes me and to give him my shirt after he stole my coat. If I cannot pray for those that mistreat me, I won’t ever give away my shirt.

You cannot minister long and well without some that you have tried to help turning on you unjustly. The Apostle Paul had both Demas and Alexander the Coppersmith, John the Apostle had Diotrephes who unjustly accused him, and Jesus had Judas. You and I will not fare any better than they did if we are faithful in ministry.

So… The Spirit brings me to my knees for confession and repentance. I need Christ to change me. Loving enemies is not natural to me. It is not easy to be Christlike. If it were easy, then I really wouldn’t need Christ, would I?

You will have a Diotrephes someday if you don’t have one right now. Will you overcome evil with good? Will your Diotrephes prove how much you still need Christ to change you?

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Playing with a Tiger

How Does Sin Deceive?

But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. Hebrews 3:13 (ESV)

Siegfried and Roy made careers out of performing with their white tigers for the entertainment of Las Vegas tourists. And they were unique in that these were dangerous wild animals, and the audience wasn’t separated from these big cats. They performed thousands of times with 1500 people in the audience without incident until a show in 2003 when Roy was mauled and carried off stage by one of the tigers. He never performed again. You can treat tigers like pets, and they certainly did have amazing success with them for decades, but they were still wild animals. Watching the show an audience member could probably have believed that they were just big, impressive house pets. But they were not.

Sin is like that wild tiger.

This image was generated by AI.

I was counseling a man once, and I spent some time in Hebrews 3:13 talking about how our sin deceives us. We need other believers to help us see what we cannot see. He asked why I thought to talk on this, and I told him it’s because his sin deceives him (and my sin deceives me). It’s a regular occurrence for us, and realizing it helps unmask it.

What makes sin’s deception worse is you also conspire with your sin. Your sin is not some outside enemy trying to breach the walls of your heart. It’s in your heart, and you like to live in darkness. We are natural-born hiders. We love having a reputation that we don’t deserve. We love pretending we’re something we are not. So your sin deceives you, but it often has a willing accomplice in you.

So how does our sin deceive us? The author of Hebrews claims it does and that we need other Christians to help us see it. In fact, we need their intervention on a daily basis. But what does that deception look like? Hebrews 3:13 doesn’t get specific, but I believe there are several ways that sin deceives us.

Your Sin Deceives You About Its Existence

You sin in ways that you don’t even know. There are things that are sin in your life, but you don’t know they are there yet. We’ve probably all had this experience when reading God’s Word or hearing a sermon in church—our eyes are opened by the Holy Spirit to a sin that we never saw before. It reminds me of Psalm 19.

Who can discern his errors? Declare me innocent from hidden faults. Psalm 19:12 (ESV)

We have hidden faults that are hidden from us. Sin is happy to hide in plain sight in our lives. It’s happy to hide in the dark in our lives. Sin just loves to hide and make us believe that it’s not there at all.

Your Sin Deceives You About Its Extent

Sin lies to you. Even when you see your sin, your sin is working to deceive you. It’s only admitting what you see. It’s saying, “Nothing else to see here. Keep walking.” So you see your problem with authority at work, but you don’t see it in how you ignore city ordinances about your yard. You are aware of your selfishness in serving around the home, but you don’t see it in your lack of financial generosity. You see how your fear of man has kept you from sharing the gospel, but you don’t see how it has kept you from ministry in the church. You see how your anxiety has made you sick, but you don’t see how it has led you to doubt God’s goodness.

The sin that you do see is far more pervasive and extensive than you know. Your sin has roots throughout your heart. Sin deceives you.

Your Sin Deceives You About Its Seriousness

We downplay our sin. I don’t believe that my sin is that serious. Yours probably is, but I’ve got mine under control.

Sin is always serious. Jesus had to die for it. God’s wrath was justly applied to Jesus for your sin. That means that your light besetting sin is not something that doesn’t matter. It does. And it’s our familiarity with certain sins that probably leads us to downplay how severe they are. If there is an eternal penalty for it, it’s not a mild thing. Sin hides in plain sight by pretending to be docile and meek when it’s actually deadly.

Your sin wants you to think it’s no big deal. Let it live a while longer. Play with it. No! John Owen was right when he said, “Be killing sin, or sin will be killing you.” You need to kill it. It is serious.

Your Sin Deceives You About Its Effects or Consequences

This is an especially popular lie of sin in an age when we believe that our sin only affects us. If it’s a private sin, then what harm is it actually doing? The young person soaking up pornography night after night doesn’t see how it distorts his view of people. He no longer loves his neighbor, he only lusts after his neighbor. The husband who silently stews over offenses rather than yelling doesn’t think that the silent treatment harms his family relationships, but it does. His wife and children live fearful and wondering why dad is so mad. Many marriages have seen a creeping distance develop because one or both spouses didn’t think this or that sin was that important. They weren’t relentless in killing sin.

And where sin most lies to us about its effects is in our relationship with God. Our sin pushes us away from intimacy with the One who created us.

If I had cherished iniquity in my heart, the Lord would not have listened. Psalm 66:18 (ESV)

Our sin lets us pretend that everything is fine with God when it is absolutely not fine. This is why some that quit attending church during Covid have said “I’m doing better spiritually now than I was when I was attending church.” That’s not possible (Heb 10:25), but sin is a deceiver. It makes you believe that your sin has had no effect on your closeness with God.

Your Sin Deceives You About Its Danger

This is where sin is most like playing with a wild animal. It’s as if we’re all playing with full grown tigers. Just because the tiger hasn’t turned on us yet doesn’t meant it’s not dangerous. It doesn’t mean it’s not deadly.

The iniquities of the wicked ensnare him, and he is held fast in the cords of his sin. Prov 5:22 (ESV)

I’ve always imagined sewing thread being wrapped around us one strand at a time as a picture of Prov 5:22. Sure three, four, maybe even eight strands I can break. But even sewing thread wrapped around you enough times will bind you. That’s the danger of sin. It lets you believe that you’re in control while it slowly strangles you. When you finally realize it, it could be too late.

Jesus in his Sermon on the Mount said,  

If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell. Matthew 5:29–30 (ESV)

Your sin is so dangerous according to Jesus, that it requires radical steps to deal with it.

Your sin lies to you. And here’s a prime example of its deception. It’s when you read this entire blog, and you think of others that need to hear this. Not you. You don’t need this, but that other Christian you’re thinking of does.

Is there some sin that you’ve been playing with? Have you been deceived?

God wants you to be holy (1 Peter 1:14-16). Sin is serious. It’s not a trifling matter. Put your sin to death. Kill it or it will kill you.

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